This post could be harsh and I know the people who genuinely care about me say this without it meaning how I’m taking it.
But I’m tired of hearing it.
Also I know I have an amazing opportunity here, to move, not every BS gets that to get so far away from her former life, even if it is where there support system is, or where their children have their friends and go to school, their job.
Many things to where even families who don’t experience infidelity don’t get to have their husband’s company move them states away.
I painted my first house yesterday. Sure we are getting the house ready to sell, but I’ve never painted a house and I REALLY enjoyed it. I found it therapeutic. I think I will paint my house from now on. I don’t like painting indoors at least that’s how I remember it. I will of course try it again.
Wherever my new house maybe.
M & I and my FIL worked hard to get most of our home painted and as I painted I envisioned the old us. The one where I couldn’t hold my husband enough. Never get enough of him.
And I thought of us laughing about how hard we worked, having sex, after we relax and feel grateful our children had a parent-free day doing whatever they wanted so we could get our home painted together. I told M my thoughts and he said we could still do that but I choose not to.
Oh hell these comments that keep coming my way.
I choose not to huh?
Yeah choices it’s amazing what some people tell others when they are not experiencing the same thing. Or they act as if they make great choices, or they have made bad choices and don’t want others to fall like they fell. All nonsense and rubbish to me because it doesn’t seem to show me that one cares. Just in my opinion anyway.
Like this whole fresh start business.. Hell it’s been a fresh start for me since April of 2012, then 2014. Being with M seems the most logical step for our children, for our family, yes, I do love him. Right now for our son.
Am I making excuses? Depends on who you talk to 🙂
But for me I’m staying, I’m moving, I’m not screaming at M. I no longer really care to battle with him ever. He used to be a part of a great love that I had for him. He is no longer that. He’s a man who only recognized a fresh start for himself in his own eyes after he betrayed and lied to the people who love him most.
Yes, I understand the theology of Jesus and giving us new mercies everyday and I fully acknowledge that. Because I can laugh and smile. I am able to accomplish tasks without regretting my whole marriage and wanting to die. But a fresh start by moving?? A fresh start pursuing this marriage? No, thank you..
Because the biggest trigger I have right now and forever will be is M. He doesn’t get it. When we are happy, when we are sad. When we share moments with our kids and we get to share them together. He is right now my biggest trigger, oh and another big trigger is close friendship as well. But I try to just let that die because I have awesome close friendships, but they are not her. I thought we got each other.
Sometimes I forget how I thought so wrong. How I thought my husband loved me above himself, how I thought she was a good person, how I thought I married well. I thought I picked someone I would passionately love the rest of my life.
I was wrong. Will I ever love M like before right now I doubt it and that is something him and I are both going to have to decide later in life. I do know I am accepting defeat. Defeat in my marriage, defeat in this relationship, because I love myself and family more than I think I ever will for this marriage. I wish he got it. I wish M got why I no longer feel the want to have sex or touch him unless it’s friendly. That I care so much more for my own being than this marriage. I value my body way too much now to just hand it over casually married or not.
I do get horny (but I just try and focus on other things) and some might even say I’m driving M to have another affair by withholding sex. I don’t know if I’m withholding though. M destroyed our relationship. He wants to build it. I feel like he’s forgotten how long it takes for something to be built and how long it takes for something to come crashing down and attempted at rebuilding again. But if an affair is what he wants, then I’m fine with that.
Good luck to him. I will find out again and his life will be worse just like the last affair he was in.
I am finding my way on my own without emotionally attaching myself to him. We work well together, our children know we are a united team for them and we are. I suppose I understand how some would say but your marriage is crap! Your kids will know. Well define crap? Are we yelling and screaming? Resentful towards each other (ok sometimes it’s farther in between)
Do M & I have different goals for our life? You bet, but goals change life changes with time. But one goal for sure is our kids and Christ.
I mean I think M is following Christ I doubt I ever will believe his words or actions again with sincerity for the pursuit of Our Heavenly Father. But God knows and I know God will not fail me. M will though, he will turn his back on my pain, my heart, what we build, or even rebuild.
M is not a person of trust for NH right now in my marriage. I trust myself to follow God’s will. I am not contacting Shane no matter how much I want to. I am working on myself, my home, my parenting, my faith.
M stopped me from doing numerous things on our home. He will never stop me again from siding to painting or whatever the hell I want to do.
We are getting passports for all of the children today, I have to print out a bunch of paperwork. I have no desire to run this life that I lead today.
I have to find my birth certificate and get everything ready.
I am starting SparkPeople again and limiting my food to only calories I can count and working out.
I read a great quote that I can use to my advantage.
I got through everything with my gym. It felt freeing to say I’m powerless over food on Friday at Celebrate recovery.
So once again I’m starting on the Road to my Health. I fell hard yesterday and realized the sad state of affairs my health is in.
A new day, a fresh start indeed
Maybe after going all over in this post.. I kind of understand those statements though..
but just for me..
Can that happen just fresh start for me and M has his own fresh starts. And if we end up passionately married years down the road then so be it?
I would like the love of my life now though please Lord.. but I suppose it was nice while it lasted.
The memories I had of loving someone so much.
I so wanted me to die first because I didn’t think I could bear life without him..
Ugh.. Stupid girl..
2/4 are up time to start the day warranted or not..