Where is the getting better

I somehow had sent a picture of KB to one of our bloggers and forgot.

Then I saw her again on my computer.

Which I find good and bad.

Because it still hurts to see her face.

The sting is still there when I see that trashy face of hers.

One day I hope to not call it trashy. One day I hope I see her obituary. One day I hope to outlive my husband as well.

I wonder what I will say when I’m supposed to speak at his funeral if we are still together.

I wonder if I will speak at all.

I have been telling M I cannot wait for our children to grow old and then he can leave me for her. What a story. Also she has to wait so long for him for that to happen. I mean she will be a wrinkled old prune by the time Squish leaves the house.

I cannot believe that is something he and her even talked about. What horrible people to even talk about he says they were joking and not serious. Oh hell even joking.

And as I’m getting rid of textbooks and moving. I have to say am I really stuck in the past?

M says I am, or seems to think so but that man isn’t anyone I would go to for advice on how to live one’s life.

I am thinking about how I’m going to stay married to him and just be happy with myself and our family. How I will just work on myself and probably covet at times happy couples and want that, but that isn’t my story not right now. M says it could be, so strange.

Is it horribly selfish to want to coddle and care for my own heart. Not give it to anyone for a LONG time, and just be kind and loving to me. I see how sad M is with all of this non-touching, no sex, barely even friends thing we have going on.
Is that okay to say that I wonder. Will I be living in mediocrity if I choose not to pursue anyone romantically or even care about this marriage and be happy.

M is no longer an extension of me. He is my husband who I am raising.. OMGoodness amazing little kids.. they are smart, kind, compassionate children, who have a heart for people.

I cannot believe we get to raise them and they have such messed up parents. Makes me ill, but sometimes they are so rotten and irritating that I think yup, you most certainly deserve a mother like me 🙂 M says that’s twisted thinking.

I don’t really bother much with what he’s thinking. I’m curious to what AK will look like, who I will meet, and I wonder who will I befriend, or if I want to be friends with anyone when I get out there. I think I see sad souls so much more than I used to and I just don’t want any part of it.

I am having fun getting rid of things and moving on.

There is so much paperwork I saved and now have no attachment to. Like that stupid marriage certificate.

Makes my blood boil that I wasted so much of my precious time and love on M, but in retrospect I cannot fault myself for loving him and sticking by him when I clearly should have left him.

There is nothing wrong with fighting for the love I had for M.

I gave it my all. Now I just grieve. Not that it wasn’t good enough but the kind of broken fraudulent man I married.

And by grieve I hope to mean it in the healthiest of ways. M is not the love of my life and I’m okay with that.

What I thought is not reality.

The true love, deep commitment in my marriage to one another apparently has been only 1 sided.

Which is fine, hard pill to swallow, but I’m going to live and press on.

The fight for my life, for my kids, for this family will live on.

The relationship between M & I has been a slow death.

I am not going anywhere because there is no where for me to go. This family I helped build it and if he wants to walk away I definitely will not be shocked or appalled.

In fact I look forward to him doing so and leaving me alone.

But for now he chooses to stay. Has hope we can rekindle whatever he lost. Which is odd I mean what does he know about what he lost?? Seriously he had no clue what he had? So I find it odd for him to play the fighter now for this love that I’m not sure ever existed between us.

I know NH is throwing out some big cards on the table but let’s be honest and this goes just solely for my marriage. But if he felt loved as much as I did love him this wouldn’t have happened. He would have been fulfilled. He wasn’t. Which I’m not saying I’m at fault what I’m saying is I loved him the best I knew how and he did the same. But somehow the love I gave him did not click for him and he strayed. Which I am getting over because while it may not be now, he isn’t my only lover of my life and nor do I plan on him being my last ❤ M is a sad stepping stone to NH’s life and I’m sure he won’t be the last person to disappoint me.

My love for him was not expressed to his heart. Sucks for him, sucks for me. So could that love been any good? Does it show him and I are not meant to be? I surely think so, but I refuse for our children to be collateral damage for M’s insane attempts at fulfilling his needs.

I no longer am romantically touched by the man. I do love him but have no desire to do what I think couples who have been married almost 14 years should do.

I want to spread my wings and soar baby without a big set of cement footprints tied to me.

I look forward to eradicating this pathetic relationship and moving on.

How can NH move on while still being married to him?

I mean he wants to stay no one is keeping him here against his will.

So NH says let him stay, let this play out.

Let’s do this.

More to come it always does.. One of our wonderful bloggers has lately ended with affairs suck.

Not only do affairs suck but so does the battle of keeping a family together.

Not easy, not easy at all

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5 thoughts on “Where is the getting better

  1. i know that i must sound like an ignorant idiot to you for i don’t know you at all but what would happen if you wrapped up your kids and walked away from all of this shitfuckery? Is being divorced that big a taboo? Your children will learn about their dad and it won’t scar them if you don’t let it. You will be financially alright, as he will have to pay you alimony. You will also learn to be financially independent, which is something everyone needs to learn in some way or the other. For how long, will you try to live with this? Your pain would lessen perhaps over another few years or so, but it won’t bring back your love, your trust, or your past sense of mental ease. It will perhaps be replaced by indifference but there will always remain a scar, reminding you how you were cut every single time you touch it.

  2. wow that is REALLY healthy view “YOU SHOULD NOT BE GOING TO HIM FOR ADVICE!” I would say get counsel on your feel do not make any rash decisions on your own thinking…put a lot of prayer into staying or leaving and follow the peace…where ever it is, in the marriage or out, God is going to provide for you…mentally, physically, and spiritually. You have been freed by God to make that decision to stay or leave. I does suck to try and keep it together with someone that has been deceitful in EVERY area…when you can think of no other way he could have deceived you. Our stories are some what similar…but 2 years, your best friend, and plans to wait for the kids to be grown to get back together??? And you know him to be a faker…I would seriously take these things to prayer. YOU CAN NOT TRUST HIM OR ANYTHING HE SAYS!!! All you can do is continue to ask for guidance and get counsel from people you trust and see if all the advice is agreeing with each other and lining up with what you are hearing from God. It is so difficult N…I don’t know…I wish I did. I pray God will give you wisdom and direction. Honestly I’ve heard it is worse if you divorce when your kids are older because it shakes the foundation of their beliefs when they should have that set in their lives…and they then have to build and chose for themselves what foundation they are going to live their life off of…it’s harder to adapt when you are older…kids learn, kids see more than we know, kids feel the tension and it causes confusion cause they don’t know what is going on (many times)…when they are younger they can adapt and the truth comes out on the table…either way you have to know and be confident that you are walking in what is most important to you…and from what I’ve heard that is really battling to allow your faith in God conquer this one…again which ever way you are directed.

  3. Collateral damage – that is a great way to describe how I feel. That’s exactly it due to my husbands selfish desires. I didn’t know my children and I could just be thrown away like we were nothing. Please, if you are feeling more hurt staying in the marriage it is probably time to consult someone professional outside of the marriage to help you through this pain. I wish you steadfastness and honor in your journey. You can do this – whichever way it is you choose!

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