I think M is entitled.
But I also think he wants a third chance. I wonder if he’s tired of thinking he’s run out of chances with me and acting accordingly. Probably.
One would think you should be able to talk with your husband in the after-math of all this chaos, but that one would be wrong.
I am unable to talk with him. He is tired. He is lacking love. In recovery it says not to make any decisions with the acronym H.A.L.T (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)
He is short and brief with me.
Our lack of communication only grows worse communication.
When I finally seem to come around M wants no part in it. He seems to know exactly what I’m going to say already, even if he is the one spouting everything is different with him, he’s a new person, it’s a new day.
Yet for my thoughts? Not different. All the Same. Same story. Same person. As if I have not grown through this horrific process. As if I wasn’t the one fighting and pursuing this marriage while he was off having the time of his life I guess.
M and I do this dance we’ve done it for years where we would be disconnected and things would change and bring us together. I think now we just don’t care. At least I don’t, it doesn’t bother me if we become connected at all ever again. But I do dislike the tension.
When M doesn’t get what he wants there is tension and I don’t like it. When he tantrums off to sleep downstairs. When he’s brief and says I don’t have time for this I have to get to work. Doing whatever *____* is not getting us anywhere. He’s angry and I care about that because it makes things seem so off. And then I wonder I second guess my thoughts because why do I care if he’s angry. I suppose I’ve always done it, wanted to help him fix his problems and then I wonder if I’m a tad bit (probably more) codependent about that. Because his problems are his. I can only fix mine. Although I tried that method before it didn’t work out for this relationship. It worked for me. I grew as a person. I cared about my actions, my contribution to the problems in this marriage, relationship, I worked on myself for the better of this marriage and I became better. I left him to figure it out on his own. He didn’t want input from me, anyone else, he wanted to do things his own way. And his own way he went.
I don’t think he means what he says. He says he wants to wait for me, but isn’t waiting for me in our own bed. Easier than waiting for me downstairs I guess? But I also know I do not expect him to be my perfect little punching bag. If he thinks he will be happier with someone else, and he’s tried it, why is he still here? I don’t think I’ll be happier with someone else not right now at least. Like I said I have much growing to do, and I wonder if M thinks he’s grown-up enough to think he’s ready to be with someone, even if it is me.
His legally bound wife.
I strongly dislike what this marriage has become.
But I feel entitled as well. Entitled to have the marriage I wanted, sucky, with silver linings and a hope we could be better. So far record on things getting better? I’m not sure I’ll have to get back to you. And I’m working on accepting what this marriage has become and the disappointment sometimes is excruciating. I wish I had the time to have another depression melt-down. The house is in full-force move mode, and so are the children. Maybe that’s a good thing.
But there are good things that have happened. I know I’m healing, I’m able to see my crazy, I’m able to start figuring out how to help me, How to rely on Christ for my motivation to do things. I think M has become more involved with our son. He was involved before, but I think his heart for our son, his parenting skills (which have always been better than mine) for all of our children is something I love to see and appreciate him for.
I have a hard time not smiling at the man when I see him. I smile everytime I see him and I wish I could explain why.
I see many things good about M. I just don’t know how to say it I guess without it seeming fake, or false since our relationship is in shambles. I know I’m healing because I can be thankful for so much even see great good in him. Wrote in my bible study book that
“I find M admirable to be so strong and not wallow in self-pity about his mistakes. Takes Honor, Courage, to do that”
I wonder if it’s horrible to say that M and I have so much growing up to do on our own that is seems logical it will be awhile before we could ever come together.
I fully admit my immature actions (that does not make them right), that I lack truth in love, that I am flawed beyond reason.
I have a wonderful friend coming over today at Noon. To make new memories in my house with. I look forward to seeing her.
Had to speed this up 3/4 are up now 🙂
Till next time