All good things, all good things

I think M is entitled.

But I also think he wants a third chance. I wonder if he’s tired of thinking he’s run out of chances with me and acting accordingly. Probably.

One would think you should be able to talk with your husband in the after-math of all this chaos, but that one would be wrong.

I am unable to talk with him. He is tired. He is lacking love. In recovery it says not to make any decisions with the acronym H.A.L.T (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)

He is short and brief with me.

Our lack of communication only grows worse communication.

When I finally seem to come around M wants no part in it. He seems to know exactly what I’m going to say already, even if he is the one spouting everything is different with him, he’s a new person, it’s a new day.

Yet for my thoughts? Not different. All the Same. Same story. Same person. As if I have not grown through this horrific process. As if I wasn’t the one fighting and pursuing this marriage while he was off having the time of his life I guess.

M and I do this dance we’ve done it for years where we would be disconnected and things would change and bring us together. I think now we just don’t care. At least I don’t, it doesn’t bother me if we become connected at all ever again. But I do dislike the tension.

When M doesn’t get what he wants there is tension and I don’t like it. When he tantrums off to sleep downstairs. When he’s brief and says I don’t have time for this I have to get to work. Doing whatever *____* is not getting us anywhere. He’s angry and I care about that because it makes things seem so off. And then I wonder I second guess my thoughts because why do I care if he’s angry. I suppose I’ve always done it, wanted to help him fix his problems and then I wonder if I’m a tad bit (probably more) codependent about that. Because his problems are his. I can only fix mine. Although I tried that method before  it didn’t work out for this relationship. It worked for me. I grew as a person. I cared about my actions, my contribution to the problems in this marriage, relationship, I worked on myself for the better of this marriage and I became better. I left him to figure it out on his own. He didn’t want input from me, anyone else, he wanted to do things his own way. And his own way he went.

I don’t think he means what he says. He says he wants to wait for me, but isn’t waiting for me in our own bed. Easier than waiting for me downstairs I guess? But I also know I do not expect him to be my perfect little punching bag. If he thinks he will be happier with someone else, and he’s tried it, why is he still here? I don’t think I’ll be happier with someone else not right now at least. Like I said I have much growing to do, and I wonder if M thinks he’s grown-up enough to think he’s ready to be with someone, even if it is me.

His legally bound wife.

I strongly dislike what this marriage has become.

But I feel entitled as well. Entitled to have the marriage I wanted, sucky, with silver linings and a hope we could be better. So far record on things getting better? I’m not sure I’ll have to get back to you. And I’m working on accepting what this marriage has become and the disappointment sometimes is excruciating. I wish I had the time to have another depression melt-down. The house is in full-force move mode, and so are the children. Maybe that’s a good thing.

But there are good things that have happened. I know I’m healing, I’m able to see my crazy, I’m able to start figuring out how to help me, How to rely on Christ for my motivation to do things. I think M has become more involved with our son. He was involved before, but I think his heart for our son, his parenting skills (which have always been better than mine) for all of our children is something I love to see and appreciate him for.

I have a hard time not smiling at the man when I see him. I smile everytime I see him and I wish I could explain why.

I see many things good about M. I just don’t know how to say it I guess without it seeming fake, or false since our relationship is in shambles. I know I’m healing because I can be thankful for so much even see great good in him. Wrote in my bible study book that

“I find M admirable to be so strong and not wallow in self-pity about his mistakes. Takes Honor, Courage, to do that”

I wonder if it’s horrible to say that M and I have so much growing up to do on our own that is seems logical it will be awhile before we could ever come together.

I fully admit my immature actions (that does not make them right), that I lack truth in love, that I am flawed beyond reason.

I have a wonderful friend coming over today at Noon. To make new memories in my house with. I look forward to seeing her.

Had to speed this up 3/4 are up now 🙂

Till next time

NH

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6 thoughts on “All good things, all good things

  1. It will be INSANELY expensive if you divorced; for him. He’d easily lose at least half of his pay.

    I’m just thinking out loud, in the pessimistic mindset I’m in right now… might he have expected you to put your foot down, when he told you about the new job/relocation? That you’d stay there, with the children, and he’d be up there… paying half of his pay (at least) in alimony and child support. But a much higher income, there, will make paying half out to you a much easier thing to accept.

    That maybe he’s broody and sullen because he just.can’t.believe you’re all coming with him… that he thought you’d jump at the chance to divorce him now? That he could look like the good guy and you’d file and he’d be away from all the gossip, neatly paying you to deal with it (and parent) from afar?

  2. I’m telling you ask M to read this…if you want read it with him…it is REALLY eye opening to the one who has had the affair and truly wants to rebuild…
    http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1422717840&sr=8-2&keywords=after+affair
    It puts ALL the pressure on the person who committed adultery and really explains fully the deep agony and pain their actions have caused…there is NO blame shifting on the other person. There’s a chapter “what about my partners faults” – and it says…it’s not time to look at their faults look at what you’ve done and work on yourself and your goal to rebuild…I was amazed that it was so protective of me and put ALL the pressure on my husband, which is where it belongs.
    I think it would be really good for you to tell your husband encouraging things…regardless of how you feel…it will help YOU. You can tell him you feel fake or cheesy saying it, but that is really how you feel. Your heart is hardened toward him and that is why you feel fake…but God is different than us…he operates on a completely different thought process…It’s His goodness that leads men to repentance…it’s His gentleness that makes men great. Humility will only soften your heart toward the Lord, and will aid in forgiveness toward M. No matter what forgiveness is a non negotiable with God. That however, does NOT mean you have to do that in a relationship with M.
    “Mercy and forgiveness must be free and unmerited to the wrongdoer. If the wrongdoer has to do something to merit it, then it isn’t mercy, but forgiveness always comes at a cost to the one granting the forgiveness.”
    “You can forgive. Forgiveness means refusing to make them pay for what they did. However, to refrain from lashing out at someone when you want to do so with all your being is agony. It is a form of suffering. You not only suffer the original loss of happiness, reputation, and opportunity, but now you forgo the consolation of inflicting the same on them. You are absorbing the debt, taking the cost of it completely on yourself instead of taking it out of the other person. It hurts terribly. Many people would say it feels like a kind of death.
    Yes, but it is a death that leads to resurrection instead of the lifelong living death of bitterness and cynicism….If they simply refuse to take vengeance on the wrongdoer in action and even in their inner fantasies-the anger slowly begins to subside. You are not giving it any fuel and so the resentment burns lower and lower….Forgiveness must be granted before it can be felt, but it does come eventually. It leads to a new peace, a resurrection. It is the only way to stop the spread of the evil.” Tim Keller, Reason for God, pp. 188-189.
    On this journey myself it is a type of death and is agony at times…but life and freedom are at the other side for us… Love you dear friend ❤

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