The thoughts and I miss the time.

I miss all the time I used to be able to catch up on all of my brothers and sisters of infidelity here. Moving is a ton of work. Things are looking empty in the house. I try to catch up and start. I want to comment, but time is limited when they are asleep and we so want this house to sell fast. I hope it does.

We will be traveling to AK soon to look at homes. The kids staying with grandparents. I would like to say I’m nervous. I told a few friends last Sunday how unimpressed I am to go on a trip solely with M. But it isn’t true I am excited now. It’s strange.

I find it difficult thinking about my life and how I viewed my husband before betrayal. Thinking about how I viewed my husband and the fire that would burn for him even if I was angry at him.

Now it’s so much a choice. It never was a choice to build anything with him. He had my body from the moment I met him, my heart after I changed my name, my life after 4 children.

I would be lying to say I wanted a family with M and I wanted to serve him all my days. No, but I was working towards it, but now with all the extra time in my brain not thinking about M, or how I will survive without him, or how much I love and miss him.

There is alot of space for me. And I find left to my own devices I am a rotten sinner.. seriously I always knew I was but now it’s more prevalent than before.

Because now I see men, and now I can tell which ones are open to me. I find other men insanely attractive and I want to be attractive for them. Before I didn’t even like to hug another guy unless you were family. It felt odd. I was M’s no need to have someone get the wrong impression and I only wanted to be in M’s arms, ever.

Sometimes I questioned who I married and why? I often had a backup plan if M and I ever failed. I never thought that cheating was something I would do and I thought my husband respected me enough. I did want to leave him at times because we were so opposite, but I didn’t because I have always been drawn to M. His smile, his eyes, his patience and compassion for people, how little he speaks. Also because I wanted to make things work with him, always. Because when I was done and asked him “If we should get a divorce?” the answer from M was always “No”.

I thought he loved me beyond any other cheap trick (fantasy, lust, excitement)

He didn’t.

I’m working on the big A word.

Acceptance.

I remember Nephila telling me about that. I didn’t understand because no way was I going to accept this nonsense handed to me on a platter. No fucking way..

But now I get it.

I accept I was used. I accept neither M or KB were the people I thought them to be. I accept I was hurt by two people I admired most on this Earth besides my Dad.

I no longer admire KB.

I find M courageous and admirable by still being here, knowing so many know about his dark side.

I no longer believe my husband isn’t a person of pain for me.

I do believe there are friendships that will. I do believe the ladies I’m rolling with now are authentic, real, and are here with me.

I wonder about the friendship M and I have. I try not to think about it. I accept I was not loved enough. I accept I was the one all in with this family even if I felt that this lifestyle wasn’t fit for me. As if I’m the only mother in the world that struggles with that.

I accept my husband had an affair with a woman I thought was my best friend. I don’t know what she was to me. It’s useless to label her anymore. Because she is nothing to me. She’s a name in the past. I wish I never met her.

I accept that she will always be a painful reminder for me.

I accept my husband is not who I thought he was.

I am not who I thought I was doing this

The more I accept, more I am being set free. I have a stubborn personality and I just could not accept so much about my situation but I feel the weight lifting..

I also accept Christ’s love..

So many times I thought I was backed into a corner.

When we decided to homeschool our boy because it didn’t seem he was getting any better. All avenues were tapped. And I felt it was my only choice.

When my husband cheated on me.. Fuck my life.. seriously. Homeschooling mother of 4? No job, I was finding purpose in doing what I did. I finally did not have a back up plan and I felt backed into a corner.

Christ has shown me the corners I thought I was backed into were really just pathways to  great life if I hold HIS hand. Not M’s.

As I have worked to pack this house. I was so sad, it was hard going through my things and remembering the marriage I had, the life I thought I was building together with my husband.

All gone. It’s hard to accept that.. but I’m willing.

Because I accept that I’ve been all in. I wasn’t weak when others came on to me. I was strong for my family strong for my marriage. I have my integrity.

However I find I can easily lose it, if I don’t keep my eyes on Christ, and focus on the love M is trying to rebuild here.

because really what does God want for me? For my children for my legacy?

To stop looking for love, affection, excitement elsewhere. All of us do it, whether we believe in God or not. We have what we need right in front of us in the mirror.

I’m learning to love myself. To be thankful I’m not the cheating spouse, to be proud leaving this house, this city, knowing I followed the Holy Spirit in me to do what’s right for me and our children.

I was all in, fighting for this family. I fought for this marriage for 12 years.

I will continue to fight for what God calls me to do.

The love I have here in Christ who dwells in me, between the 6 of us wherever we go is enough for me.

I have all the adventure, excitement, I want with me.

Now let me end with M warming my side of the bed 🙂 OMGoodness so super sweet I feel like I’m crushing on someone like I was in grade school or something..

I was so cold last night and after my shower. I went to get into bed and M was on my side. I was like why are you all on my side?

He said I was warming up your side for you and he moved over and my side was WARM!! It was so nice and cozy..

I still think about it and smile..

It was so sweet. I said it was one of the sweetest things he’s done for me. But it isn’t. M has always opened doors for me, bought me anything I’ve needed or wanted, and looked out for me until his affair.

I think I’m in positive motion mode.. somebody stop me

NH

 

 

 

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “The thoughts and I miss the time.

  1. Great post. I think that acceptance is about as far as I will get, in the end we have to accept it, it happened, but forgiveness?? That aint gonna happen! Good luck on the move NH… stay clear of Valdez, I hear there’s a cancan whore up there 😉

  2. I like you have felt some measure of peace after accepting that it happened, it took me 2 years to get to that! But like Pabloswife, I can’t see myself ever forgiving him, I could in a tearful moment say, I forgive you, would I mean it, hell no!!! So I’m pretty much as far along as I’m gonna get, and I can live with that, because I really have no choice, I can’t change what happened & I know I will never forget! So kudos to all of us who have gotten this far! Good luck on your move, hugs from Joan

  3. Please, please, please tell me it’s not Valdez lol….although if it is I will send you her name and picture so you stay far away from her. She is the type to friend you then fuck your husband. Good luck on the move, Alaska is beautiful.

  4. This post made me cry. You’ve come to this point very quickly. You have done a lot of hard work on this. M has also helped by being there and being open to you and what you need. I will pray that you both continue on the path that God wants you to follow.
    ~Love, DJ

  5. Acceptance. Well done, NH :-). I felt I swung on this one for a long time. “I accept this – fuck no, I don’t – yeah, I do…..” it is important and I am with PW and Joan, I am unable to forgive the unforgiveable. I understand how low he got to to be able to do it, but I don’t – and probably never will – forgive the man that I totally, completely adored and trusted implicitly, treating me so incredibly poorly. Acceptance is a small step in the direction of a little peace. Well done you x.

Comment Here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s