One in the same.

As I continue to pack, with a amazingly smelling roast in my crockpot.

I was Google-ing my house and a picture of my Dad he is taking groceries out of his car and the picture was dated April 2012.

Ah.. just 4 months into M’s affair. The month of him touching her ass and both of them lying to me.

I hate him when I think about that lie. The lie where he tells me I’m upset so who do I call yeah KB and I ask did my husband touch you? She whimpers yes, and I say I’m so sorry.

I hate him when I think about that time. His tears, his remorse don’t make me feel anything for him when I re-live those moments. I can still remember the conversations the voices from the both of them. I never plan to re-live them, it just happens.

I suppose jumping off my horse of acceptance. It is incredibly painful to re-live those moments.I have a hard time accepting what type of ruthless cowards I loved.

But I will press on and get ready for the day.

The books came in. M wanted one as well how to help your spouse heal after an affair.

I am deeply saddened today, but must get on with life.

And I hate that I have to acknowledge my sadness when I had nothing to do with this affair bullshit. I am collateral damage and it pains me to know what does that entail for me?

M had his fantasy and he gets to be all over me when I fantasize on here about my life without him. Yes, it’s fantasy but it’s mine unhealthy or not. I fantasize never meeting him. I fantasize about never marrying. I fantasize about leaving him, being a single mother and how I would fair. Not too many women out there fantasizing about raising their children on their own.

Maybe that’s another thing that has died. My want to give M so much more of my talents. Make good money so I can buy him all the music equipment in the world. Now I don’t bother with what he wants in life. His career, his status, his dreams, his hopes??

I used to care about them.

I do care if he’s happy and maintaining himself spiritually, mentally.

With or without me I hope M enjoys life.

If I never get to see him reap more pain and suffering and die before him. Well I’ll be okay.

Crap I’m all over the place here’s what I really meant to blog about..

One in the same.

I find if my husband lusted after KB then he doesn’t need to be with me.

Why? Because I (while all of us know I’m fucking amazing let’s just get that out of the way) I’m not good enough for him in his eyes.

If he wants skinny blonde women who lie, cheat, and don’t put their family and spouse first.

I’m okay with that.

I can accept that.

I find it one in the same where lusting and cheating is the same as your spouse isn’t good enough. And I can’t speak for everyone out there. I’m just saying in this marriage.

Do I believe M when he tells me I’m beautiful, or says kind things about me? Not really.

I think the real M is going to come out eventually. The one who wants skinny blonde women who are so icky beyond words. (Not all skinny blondes but KB is  and I’m sure she isn’t the only one just know that’s M’s type) 😦 Bleh.. almost vomiting a bit in my mouth.

I think the real M is afraid to be alone and is scared to lose his family, but at what cost does M put away his real desires.

Because I can let you know. Let’s just say I believe some hype that says affairs are just like anything bad for you.

Ok fine. I’ll use candy bars. NH would love to eat about 4-5 candy bars a day.. King Size if available and we all know that is not a good idea for anyone.

So I give them up, because they are bad for me. I exercise, I lose a bunch of weight and sure I can look back and say I probably shouldn’t have ate all those candy bars.

However I will still will want them guaranteed..

But I suppose instead of being an unfaithful spouse my character flaw is viewing this marriage from only my perspective.

However if you know what kind of sick perspective your spouse is able to have about you, your marriage, your family, even for himself.

It’s a tough concept to move on from in my mind today..

Was looking for a marker and found Bob’s kids picture. A sweet antique looking one. I thought I got rid of all of them and gave any solid photos I have back to them. I couldn’t throw them away. Maybe I’m some sort of sick betrayed but I couldn’t I loved those kids so I put the pics in an envelope and left them at their door.

Now I see this one and it just puts me in a spin people the wrong or right way not sure..

As for the positive spiral I was on??

Consider me off..




5 thoughts on “One in the same.

  1. The thing about candy bars, I totally get that. I feel the same way. I struggle wondering if my husband is just ‘white-knuckling’ this new life. I’ve talked with him about a lot of things, but I’m not sure I’ve ever been able to verbalized my fear in such a specific, relatable way. Thanks for that illustration. I’ll definitely be using it later.

  2. You have more value than a “skinny blond chic” …You are beautiful…you’re a fighter…you love large…your an amazing mom…did I mention you’re a fighter?
    I pray that God would give you grace…that He would shine light into your marriage and expel the darkness…if your husband does not and can not honor you I pray in gentleness and with much support that He will show you, if your husband puts no true value on your relationship and the woman God created you to be to bear HIS image…if your husband has not respect for that I pray that God would guide you out in His peace. Praying for peace for you…I know this is so hard. The ups and downs and plateaus are so hard…God help us.
    On a side note: I have to say, with no medication you are doing really amazing! xoxo ❤

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