I opened my eyes to a normal morning. I heard M get in the shower and I was still in a crappy mood.
I want to say about him, but I’m not sure. I just know the wedge between us grows when I’m like this.
Not insanely angry, just what am I doing? What am I doing here in this household why do I continue to hold on to him.
Ahh.. that’s right I remember I feel God leading me this way, our family, he’s changing for the better he says.
And he is no doubt about that well his actions towards me are. I ask anything of him, to pick up anything, to go here, I need this..
I’m not awaited with sighs, disgruntled faces, attitude.
And as I lay in bed I wondered what is my problem. Resentment seemed to ring loud and clear. resentment towards M.
And I got annoyed it takes M to lie, hurt others not just me, have sex on the sides of roads, bring another into our bed, sleep in someone else’s bed to realize what he has?
And I seem to be constantly reminded by my new life that I’m leading with M of how I settled. I settled for a cheap marriage, a cheap friendship all because of lies and selfishness..
I tried my hardest to get M to look, see what kind of relationship we have, to help this marriage, to pull him towards the light before he plundered his character looking for affection in all the wrong places. His music, KB, his own ideas.
I settled I always knew I had, but I tried
That is hard to accept.
That M also let me believe that’s all he had in him. That he was trying, even having a sick piece of trash lie to me, himself, her husband, her family. How he lied to himself.
I want to hold his ass to the fire!! And I asked for forgiveness to God because I want to play God. Unlike M I can see where my foolishness leads me, before I start trampling over those who love me.
I look forward to having a better attitude, because I’m unsure of what is pissing me off so badly. Maybe reading that book wasn’t such a good idea. Because it confirmed alot of what I see, have saw, about M and his affair.
The realtor comes over tomorrow to look at the house again. Hopefully we will get all the rooms painted and done before we leave for AK.
I want to pray for all of this realtor business. I can easily get stressed dealing with them.
Here’s to a joyful day.
What a day to deal with a wispy marriage, my mental state..
Challenge is on I suppose.
I read my post a few days back, or a day? maybe about the strength I am emerging with and from. God is with me, I don’t have to hold M to the fire. God can handle M, I don’t need to.
I just need to show M love, respect him for the person he is to not wallow in his own filth and be challenged on his own path with God.
I have to act accordingly, no name calling, just be honest that I need space, that I’m not happy with his choices.
After that the ball is in his court right?
Till next time.