The morning.

I opened my eyes to a normal morning. I heard M get in the shower and I was still in a crappy mood.

I want to say about him, but I’m not sure. I just know the wedge between us grows when I’m like this.

Not insanely angry, just what am I doing? What am I doing here in this household why do I continue to hold on to him.

Ahh.. that’s right I remember I feel God leading me this way, our family, he’s changing for the better he says.

And he is no doubt about that well his actions towards me are. I ask anything of him, to pick up anything, to go here, I need this..

I’m not awaited with sighs, disgruntled faces, attitude.

And as I lay in bed I wondered what is my problem. Resentment seemed to ring loud and clear. resentment towards M.

And I got annoyed it takes M to lie, hurt others not just me, have sex on the sides of roads, bring another into our bed, sleep in someone else’s bed to realize what he has?

To change?

And I seem to be constantly reminded by my new life that I’m leading with M of how I settled. I settled for a cheap marriage, a cheap friendship all because of lies and selfishness..

Wow..

I tried my hardest to get M to look, see what kind of relationship we have, to help this marriage, to pull him towards the light before he plundered his character looking for affection in all the wrong places. His music, KB, his own ideas.

I settled I always knew I had, but I tried

That is hard to accept.

That M also let me believe that’s all he had in him. That he was trying, even having a sick piece of trash lie to me, himself, her husband, her family. How he lied to himself.

I want to hold his ass to the fire!! And I asked for forgiveness to God because I want to play God. Unlike M I can see where my foolishness leads me, before I start trampling over those who love me.

I look forward to having a better attitude, because I’m unsure of what is pissing me off so badly. Maybe reading that book wasn’t such a good idea. Because it confirmed alot of what I see, have saw, about M and his affair.

The realtor comes over tomorrow to look at the house again. Hopefully we will get all the rooms painted and done before we leave for AK.

I want to pray for all of this realtor business. I can easily get stressed dealing with them.

Here’s to a joyful day.

What a day to deal with a wispy marriage, my mental state..

Challenge is on I suppose.

I read my post a few days back, or a day? maybe about the strength I am emerging with and from. God is with me, I don’t have to hold M to the fire. God can handle M, I don’t need to.

I just need to show M love, respect him for the person he is to not wallow in his own filth and be challenged on his own path with God.

I have to act accordingly, no name calling, just be honest that I need space, that I’m not happy with his choices.

After that the ball is in his court right?

Till next time.

NH

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2 thoughts on “The morning.

  1. That really IS the hardest part, for me. I knew what the issues were. Mine, his, ours… and I was always saying how we were not going to make it if we didn’t try to work THROUGH it all, rather than ignoring it. He’d cut off my argument at the knees: “This is ALL I have – ALL the love I have. You get everything. I’m just not that kind of guy, with the love and sentimentality. I’m not romantic and gushy.” All lies. And I knew it. But when your husband infers that you think his love isn’t good enough? Well, where the hell do you go from there? You just accept the kind he says he has and plod along.

    It kills me that he DID have it, all along… he just didn’t care enough to put in any effort. He thought that it was me (a lie to himself) who kept him from feeling the love I described, not him, keeping himself removed from it. From me. From allowing my love to flow freely, inside himself. I begged him to let me in. He didn’t until THIS. I really resent that. That it took him crushing me and my sense of worth to anyone, for anything, to really understand how valuable I was to him. He keeps saying how damn lucky he is. He’s right. In retrospect and in astounding contradiction to my current feelings of worthlessness, I was effing STRONG.

    It takes real strength, NH, to love enough for both of you – through so much and for that long. .

    His new favorite song. He’ll hear it come on and his eyes fill with tears, then he comes to find me and hold me. But I’m so broken that I don’t even fully trust that.Is this more of a show? Is this temporary?

    Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
    Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
    Only know you love her when you let her go
    Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
    Only hate the road when you’re missing home
    Only know you love her when you let her go
    And you let her go

    Staring at the bottom of your glass
    Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
    But dreams come slow and they go so fast
    You see her when you close your eyes
    Maybe one day you’ll understand why
    Everything you touch, surely dies

    But you only need the light when it’s burning low
    Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
    Only know you love her when you let her go
    Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
    Only hate the road when you’re missing home
    Only know you love her when you let her go

    Staring at the ceiling in the dark
    Same old empty feeling in your heart
    ‘Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
    Well you see her when you fall asleep
    But never to touch and never to keep
    ‘Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep

    Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
    Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
    Only know you love her when you let her go
    Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
    Only hate the road when you’re missing home
    Only know you love her when you let her go
    And you let her go
    Oh oh oh no
    And you let her go
    Oh oh oh no
    Well you let her go

    ‘Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
    Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
    Only know you love her when you let her go
    Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
    Only hate the road when you’re missing home
    Only know you love her when you let her go

    ‘Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
    Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
    Only know you love her when you let her go
    Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
    Only hate the road when you’re missing home
    Only know you love her when you let her go
    And you let her go

  2. Pingback: He thought he was giving his all? Um, no. – Insist on Honesty

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