Thoughts

Talking with M I openly wondered if I sin more with him or without him?

As I continue with my BibleStudies I cannot wait to process ideas with My support team in Kansas.

Because as I drink my mochas alone and watch the pier looking how lucky the parents I see with their kids and how I miss ours.

I came to think that I will no longer pursue relationships on this earth as much as I did rather than pursue who I am in Christ.

But then I wonder how does or where does that leave M and I?

We make good decisions together, we raise strong, independent children, the life that we have created together provides security for our children who we love so much.

But on the flip personally I wonder about the passion like yesterday long ago I was single and knew what I wanted in a love and if that didn’t happen on to the next..

But I am in with M for 14 years and 4 kids later.

Gosh I cannot wait to see our kids.

And I know there will be no next after M. For a long while anyway. Today I asked M a question it will be too long to type on my phone but he answered honestly and I appreciated that and I am angry at his choices.

I think I am ready to walk away without hate in my heart without feeling like the scorned

I am wanting to start fresh. Of course I am going to talk with Rizzo and mull things over. Alaska was beautiful met some amazing people.

M went for a walk in the airport and I am alone and okay. I had a melt down on the way here last time at SEA. I feel stronger and as I told M that I am okay walking away from this marriage And being okay he took his stuff and left.

He did say that is not what we are doing and I need to forget about that idea.

I feel sorry for M for me and our children what a mess this has all created also for Bobs family.

But God can turn all of that around. Maybe M and I will separate and he will be in Alaska and I can separate from him completely.

As if things were not up in the air before this trip now seems more than ever.

But I know I am loved by Christ and I will never put another relationship in front of my faith again.

I know that whatever I decide to do I am loved by God and I do not have to have a spirit of fear.

My children will continue to be loved just as they are.

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