My castle

My castle was thrashed and busted up by three words, M, KB, and Affair.

My castle, my kingdom that I’ve been blessed with is priceless and I think I’m realizing that now. And still standing.

Unlike others, the more I read the more I realize that while M is amazingly handsome, I could have made a go with being married to anyone.

Like the person who prefers to laugh rather than cry. Or the new person in town who makes it better just by being a lovely person.

That’s not me all the time. But I’m genuine.

And people like me, the ones who look for the blessings in others, the ones who see needs, the ones who are too busy taking care of their own business to worry about others?

They make the world awesome to live in.

I am one of those people.

My husband remembers very little of the good in me, or what I’ve done, or what we’ve accomplished together besides our children. And I’ve got to accept that. He assumes and remembers more bad than good about me. Only me which is strange everyone else gets a BIG HUGE GRACE Memory card for him, even her. But me? Meh.. which is so very sad on his part.

He doesn’t want to go to counseling anymore with me or doesn’t initiate it I should write. He just does his own path, his own thing. I suppose he’s healing from being such a cruel, backstabber, I don’t know. I have really tried to steer clear of judging his heart or his actions. Because I have no idea about my husband.

Except three things he says he loves me, he loves our kids, and he loves God, oh and music loves music.

I sometimes wonder if he loved me as much as his music, things would have been better in our marriage but he chose that, so that’s my story, he loved her, or the want to have sex with her more than our relationship so there’s another part of my story..

Anyways I have to say that I think I’m staying for the long haul. I know you guys are probably like sure.. but really I think God has blessed me with a wonderful vision of my life this castle, kingdom I have been blessed with and that includes M.

This is MY castle. I rule it with M. Whenever M wants to leave or die.. whichever comes first I can rule alone. But God has told me to stay and I think I’m starting to overlook the disappointment in M and see him for what he is and not want anymore or any less.

I no longer have butterflies or feel all warm and fuzzy when I see him. When I kiss him it’s nice, but I don’t think it’s anything to tell anyone about. To say I’m head over heels in love with my husband and want to stay because of our relationship.. yeah that’s not the case for me. It used to be, but not anymore.

I could have made it a go with any guy. Genuine, wise, amazing people can do that, but I chose M and I’ve helped build this castle for 14 years.

I refuse to walk away from it. There is beauty in this kingdom with a amazing growing prince and three beautiful princesses. I hope all of them will marry and find a love that I used to have with their Dad. I see us having a ball with friends, and laughing with everyone who we are blessed to know who visit us, or love us. Our families who have grown with us and walked this fire with us. M and I are blessed indeed.

I lost a ton of respect for my husband considering our marriage, but there are so many reasons I do respect him as a man, father, and child of God.

I love him and hope many good things for him.

I love myself a ton more and realize that the love I had for M must be replaced, because the void I have felt without it has turned me into someone I’m not.

I’m not sure what to replace it with, but I’m looking and asking God for wisdom.

I can rule with M and still make a great kingdom.

I can even love him still in a way I never thought I would love my husband, but in a way I want very much to accept.

I know a love is out there for me where there is compassion, laughter, and feeling safe with another man who chooses me rather than himself. A man who values what I’ve done in a relationship, my words, my heart, my actions and is able to recall the good more than the bad about me regards to the past, present, and future.

I understand that as much as I value that kind of relationship I don’t have that now, or haven’t had that in years and I must be okay with that. There is no other choice and I hate being miserable.. Good grief the energy in being depressed and miserable is exhausting after almost 11 months of this recovering from infidelity stuff I can definitely see that now.

I tilt my cup to M from a neighboring tower and look at all the beauty that is called my life.

I will be moving to Alaska, I will be starting over with friends and taking our kiddos on a journey of their little lives.

I look forward to see if M will leave our castle, or try and cheat again.

Because this time I will be ready for the games he can throw at me.

I never knew I could entertain the company of liars and that they would want my company at all.

Now I know and as GI Joe says “Knowing is half the battle!”

I hope the sun is shining on you or will soon shine on you soon.

I feel well, sad, but well if that makes any sense..

Love Always

NH

 

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5 thoughts on “My castle

  1. If he just loved God more than he loved music, his kids and even you, I don’t think he would have cheated. Instead, what he loves most is pleasing his own selfish desires. If he just loved God, he would obey his commands and be grateful for all God has given him instead of listening to Satan and believing Satan’s lies.

  2. My heart breaks for you…It seems that you’re still struggling and not at a place to make a final decision, even though you’re trying to persuade yourself otherwise. It’s telling that you state your husband remembers little of the good in you, or no longer wants to go to therapy or otherwise discuss how he has destroyed what your marriage was. You no longer know him and yet you choose to stay with him. Don’t you deserve a husband that will fight for you and your marriage, that will see you and recognize and appreciate the blessing that you are? That you feel sad about your decision, speaks volumes. While I don’t understand how staying with someone who stopped fighting for you cannot be somehow diminishing and degrading and having your dreams of what may have been trampled is cruelly disappointing, I know that you need to do what gives you strength and purpose. And if it’s staying, for now, I get it. But at some point you should take stock and recognize what is or isn’t working and feel free to change your mind if necessary for yourself and your children. Betrayal is a helluva thing to recover from and it’s harder when the betrayer doesn’t do what you need to help you recover. It’s the least they can do to help right an egregious wrong.
    Hugs

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