The void and my awareness of it

I have a void it’s a gnawing emptiness I have carried with me all my life.

I have been known to quench the never-ending thirst of it with food, drink, ambition, work, my love life, my marriage…

All come up void and have me wanting more.

The want for more the need for more.

I go to Celebrate Recovery what I thought was a food, porn, sugar addition and recovery from this disgusting affair.

But I realize since I no longer feel at peace with my husband. I mean c0mplete, so happy to be married to him.

I thought I got that right. After all my horrid choices I knew I married the right guy..

Yeah that isn’t my story.

Now, I am seeing without M in my soul the void has gotten bigger, but since it is so much bigger now I feel I can see what the hell I”m doing.

I understood I never needed M, I never needed a family, a man,

but I always thought I needed a job, someone to eat with, someone when convenient, a snack, a cake.

Lately I’ve come to realize that the hole in me is bigger than I thought. And I am unable to just quiet one addiction at a time.

They all have to be eradicated, but I’m not sure how.

Something I don’t have anxiety over which makes me smile.

To know that God is on my side and all I have to do is remember to enjoy this life, be thankful, gracious, kind, and above all else know who I am.

A child of God.. nothing more or less is required of me.

To know who I am to keep it, remember it and cherish that notion instead of just glancing it over.

I have a hard time looking M in the eye today. Because while he is on this journey with me he isn’t. I changed our Facebook photo on our profile too. There are times during this journey that seeing us together or thinking about the time he was a faithful husband to be makes me ill. I know super mature, but I have to care for me and if looking at him makes me sad, then I don’t need to look at him right?

But back to my void.

I know it gets filled when I love and laugh. When even though many times I still think what is the difference between me and that skank KB?

He told her he loved her.

He bedded her in our home and made her feel like she was special. So special in fact that she was fine screwing him on sides of roads, parking lots, her own home, cars. She felt so special with him that she would bed him anyway do anything to be with him. Ewww.. I swear I need a shower after typing that.

He gave her a part of himself that I never knew existed.

Sometimes I’m glad she got that part because I want no part of the liar, fraud of a man she got.

But sometimes I do.

Which is strange..

Anyways what’s the difference he had sex with me and her.

Same orgasms, same body parts, just a different human?

To me there is little difference. Except that she didn’t do a dam thing to gain his love and trust except be available, legs open wide.

She never cooked for him.

She did love on his kids.

She never took care of him, took care of his house. Spent her youth loving him.

Nope..

Welcoming him home from Iraq, writing him everyday, delivering his children, making financial decisions with him.

That was all me.

Oh dear friends with all this going on in my mind it’s hard to not want to take my crown and castle and fucking disappear..

but castles are hard to move.. just like moving 4 kids.. 🙂

The crown a bit easier..

Well let me be grateful, thankful and make my girls laugh in Target.

I do not want to go to a birthday party, or go buy birthday presents but I am going to with an attitude of thankfulness.

That I can move, and hug my babies so many mother’s die before they have that next day they thought they’d always have. Or the children die.

I so want to know how to fill this void, and I look forward to finding the way, I look forward to finding the changes that need to happen a little at a time.

Here’s to finding many reasons to smile and filling that void

Sure isn’t easy for me.

NH

 

 

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One thought on “The void and my awareness of it

  1. Believe in yourself. It hard especially if you feel like there’s a hole in your soul. But believe in yourself and it’ll all fill out, like all wounds do however deep they may be. They still do. And never give up on yourself or for those who you care for. You are worth so much more than a golden crown and a brick castle. You are permanent.

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