Okay so I’ve read about it numerous times where fellow cheated’s cry after sex. I never understood well because it hasn’t happened to me..
Well.. my day has come.. yup I cried after sex last night. Sometimes it’s so fucking hard not to think that having sex with me is meaningless.
I mean have sex with her, then me, then back to her and then not her for awhile (a day, a week, an hour who the fuck knows?) then back to me.
The transition for him seemed pretty easy to him in my eyes. Because I was fucking there. I thought my husband loved me more than he loved his cock, or his phone, or himself. He would come home act like himself, sometimes I would feel connected sometimes I wouldn’t but all in all?? All seemed fine he wasn’t more of an asshole than he already was one to begin with.. Okay I’m being mean..
He just was he usual self-arrogant, I’m right, I know what I’m doing attitude, if you think we are not connected you are wrong, if you think we don’t belong together then you are wrong, and a whole bunch of other sayings to me makes him a complete liar
Where’s my wrong buzzer?? Where the fuck is anything anymore! Maybe I’m doing that 90/10 thing that this will not define us is talking about.. I’m not sure.. but I sure miss being in love.
For almost 13 years I was in love with that man fuck him..
Oh and her? Fuck her too. I hope Bob can be at peace with that sicko. But lately I find I am casting her aside just as quickly as my husband can. Because my husband was in the mood to have an affair with whoever, it could have been any woman wanting to pay attention to him. Which once again makes her so less special. My husband is good looking.. many chicks check him out. I see it and tramps who want to take a stab at him will, and is he willing.. if they only knew, one silly bitch was and she got him. He says he isn’t available now, but the opportunity hasn’t presented itself sooo.. there goes his theory.. Maybe in another city perhaps? Maybe a redhead? who the fuck knows.. who cares..
But in the same sense all of what I’ve said above just gets me all riled up.. and really who cares? Why do I fucking care who he is thinking about while we are having sex, or who he has sex with ever? or if having sex with me means anything?
Why should I care about what he’s thinking, feeling, or what he wants to do in life?
He has nothing to do with me apparently! Because if he was to fuck around again? Ugh.. I hope I don’t catch anything next time.. or if he was to waste all of our money? Like I need him, to make money, to find fulfillment in him? Yeah those days are L to the O to the N to the G GONE!
He’s defiled our marriage, our relationship! Who cares why do I care so much about it. It’s not like he can break us anymore? Is he able for me to think I’m the only one for him? To make me feel like what he’s telling me is actually sincere?
I suppose in a million words to describe all of it quickly is..
I feel disconnected to my husband and I’m not sure I want to do anything about it.
Like before affair I felt disconnected and I thought I was being heard. That he actually cared about our relationship and wanted to well you know make a go at this marriage he said he wanted to be in..
and the crowd goes BOOOO…
So now.. my mind goes into hyperdrive evaluating what to do. Because in the years past I would try to do things to be connected to him, he would give it all a 1/2 ass go and then I would be okay until it happened again.
Now.. we all know okay is sometimes as good as it gets.
And everything in me sighs depressedly..
I like that made up word depressedly.. it’s funny.. because it’s past tense and I pronounce it in my head depress-ed-ly.
Oh and he says I look different. He says when I’m unhappy with him he can tell, he can see it on my face.
He looks at me and asks me where his wife is? And I say “She’s your wife shouldn’t you know where she is?” and then he says “She’s somewhere in there”.
Yes we are a strange couple..
He says my expectations are not of what I want them to be so my answer is to just throw everything away. Does everyone see he has done the same? Or is it just me?
He wants his wife back he told me, for me to want to be his wife again..
Ick.. he had that and it wasn’t enough. He had so much and didn’t see it, not my problem right? I don’t find joy being with him.. momentary happiness at time yes, but joy, peace? yeah.. I’m not so sure that is possible..
I really did try guys with him before affair and during his affair. And now? I just make funny faces.. but the good news?
YES There is GOOD NEWS!!
Is that I’m not letting it drag me down. Hot tea and I think baths (I tried one last night and I think I might like it), reading the word, Bible studies, friends, laughter, make me smile. I also can read my Focus on Family magazines without throwing them. You know the articles about “How to build a better connection” “Devotions for Couples” “Marriage and your birth order”. I can read them and know none of that has worked for me but like a teenager I enjoy reading them. 🙂 You know for future references.
I can talk to God and find peace amongst chaos. I realize myself changing for the better. My attitude towards life, children, and family.
I take my position that God has blessed me with and step back on my throne. Not because M put me anywhere, but because God is on my side and put me here. (Mom of 4 kiddos not that God caused M’s affair or put bad things in my place)
He still does not waver in HIS call to have me co-lead this family.
So as I focus on learning to do that, I don’t know how to deal with M.
I find him a blessing and a curse.
Dealing with him is disheartening at times because do I want to find love with my husband again? I feel defeated in that area and I would rather not care. For 13 years I wanted to know and love my husband. This past year has tested that theory and showed that what I’ve given him doesn’t matter. My time, my efforts, my love..
He does what he wants, loves who he wants, gives his love to whoever.. I have no control over him. He doesn’t love me above himself. He says he does, but I don’t feel it, I don’t see it. So what does that say about him or me?
How I respond, what I want, does it really matter to him? He’s proven it hasn’t, will it ever? But does that matter?
I have not reaped what I have sown with my husband. I still don’t know if he truly grasps that.
I suppose in the scheme of things it doesn’t matter does it? He doesn’t have to grasp anything..
What really matters is what I’m grasping right? Isn’t that a question worth answering 🙂
I think it is…
I love you all.. I love you too M..
Time to go play with Squish..
P.S. crying after sex totally messes with the after orgasm feeling I think it’s time to lay low on the sex for awhile..