A course I’ve been needing..
I am slowing learning to let KB go. Her memory nothing I need to be fond of and I’m getting better because sometimes I still hear her voice. Her thoughts on things. It’s also hard as we pack to find how I used to write about our marriage. I loved him so, I still do it’s all new now.
14 years in and I don’t know anything about this man and presently I still don’t care in many ways. I doubt he will ever be the focus he was. I doubt I will ever give him my heart again only for it to be stomped on.
However in the beginning of the madness I hated him, I saw nothing good about this man I married and only wished death upon him, upon me, and KB too.
But now.. after almost 11 months of this?
I am beginning to see good qualities about him as a person aside from our marriage. So maybe I’m making progress.. Rizzo and Erin say I am.. and well that’s confirmation from the Lord helping me to be kind to myself..
I feel like I need a refresher in what I need to be doing to heal. I’ve found my thoughts leaning towards renewed questions and doubts. I’m pretty sure its because I looked her up online. It re-opened the wounds. They were starting to heal. And I ripped them back open. Leaving me bleeding, again. The pain isn’t as intense as when the wounds were first inflicted. So I guess that’s progress. Or I’m just used to the pain. Numb.
Either way, I am focusing far too much on his affair. I’ve not compared myself to her. But I’ve compared our relationship with what I perceive their relationship to have been. That’s the trouble. Its my perception. But then, I wasn’t invited to be a part of that relationship, so my perception is all I have. All I have is broken tidbits of information and one email.
Before I get…
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