Fight or flight 

wow lately I have been told I make a mess with butter and should slice it a certain way (with all the frazzledness and frustration possible) and some chick who confided in me  accuses my character afterwards because she is nervous about her business going everywhere. (She knows my story and both KB and M) when I already assured her it would go no where

Which 1. If I can say anything behind your back I will tell it to your face. I really don’t have time to gossip about your life 

2. Yeah I am all about lying and deceiving.. But you know people will question my integrity because of who I Married. FML sometimes the ramifications of marrying an adulterer speculates what kind of person like me has a spouse that does this to them? 

When really it was just a poor choice i married poorly in character. Now here we know I am moving on because I can identify exactly what the fuck makes me want to hate him so much and makes me want to scream and bawl with every being of my soul. Oh incude in there destroy things. 

I do not hate him for being him. I do not hate him for providing for my family. I do not hate him. I hate that my husband lacked the character to be honest and faithful to what we both agreed upon.

Stealing, fucking around, lying, deceiving all deals with not being honest to me.

But the affair made me want to fight or flight. Whether it be suicide, throwing things at him, pushing him

It’s how I used to handle things and not going to lie still do but with those two incidents mentioned including adultery to be the third. I am recognizing what I would have done and now.

With the butter I would have flipped out! Told all my close friends and left with everything being pissy. I honored her position and said okay not in defeat, but in preferring her choice and knowing it’s just her way of how this woman likes things done. It so rolled off my shoulders and I really was ok and could laugh about it.

As for the chick I was able to address her concerns without being so aggravated with her or answering and becoming defensive about what she was accusing me of. We are becoming friends I think and I will not back down and hold my position without becoming a bitch about it. 

I felt good about the conversation afterwards and I didn’t even question what I could have said better or what I did worse. I felt powerful not arrogant powerful in the Lord also right now I am realizing a thing or two about trust.

No fighting no hanging up the phone. I think this is what all the women who I think are going to heaven quicker (I know that’s not true) have seen do. 

I find it very difficult to not have this response to M or what he has done. To fight him or leave him.

But I get so tired of fighting or running away. 

There seems to be a better option. God is and continues to be so faithful to me. 

I can stand my ground without fighting M, this marriage, what happened.

I can do this as well instead of leaving, ignoring or stonewalling M.

It’s a strange new world I am in learning new skills about how I function in life. The changes are so drastic and so out of character for me.

But I feel good, change is exhausting as we all know. 

I have to say I wonder how someone changes for the worse is it just as exhausting?

Here’s to the day everyone.

The sun is out and I am getting my rack some new support.

NH

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