i am tired of being at the inlaws already and it’s just been fully I think a week and some change. 

My house is really empty and the maids are coming tomorrow to clean top to bottom. 

I am trying to look at my house as just a temporary home and the sadness that moving can bring is overwhelming.

But I am thankful for friends for family and Rizzo is amazing and invites me for lunch everyday she is in town amazing

I feel so indifferent to M and numb I wake up make him breakfast do what I need to do but I feel so displaced with him. There is very little feeling about how I feel with him. 

M is handsome and kind. He watched the kids as I went to Wichita and blew 500 dollars on candy and bras.

I came home he says he missed me but I didn’t miss him. I didn’t feel the need to call him. I didn’t miss him at all and I didn’t see that as a bad or good thing it just is.

I don’t feel I need to say anymore above and beyond to M because he isn’t stupid when it comes to me anymore. 

He analyzes, watches me and can tell so much.

He can feel and sense things about me that sometimes I am unsure of.

My first intinct is to say there must be something wrong with me

Second is fuck no there isn’t anything wrong with you!

Third is don’t get too big headed about yourself that will set you up for a trip to delusion land and hell if we want to go there and be just the very thing like M and KB that I am so against.

I was going to Hangout with a pal of mine I haven’t talked with in awhile and I saw Shane’s name. 

I remember wanting to message him after he hadn’t messages me in 22 days back and I chose not too but today I wanted to and I remember the feeling of fun and flirting we would do. But I know better funny 10 years older than me and he didn’t know better.

I miss that most with M. I suppose I always will. How I didn’t harbor anything against him. How I used to see him and love him.

Never again says my heart

But other facets of my life say otherwise 

Here’s to today everyone

❤ NH


2 thoughts on “Damn

  1. NH, you sound so, so broken inside. My heart weeps for your tender soul. This is what I have learned along the way of this painful “healing” journey. Nothing your husband says or does is going to make much difference. What has happened, has happened. It cannot be changed and things cannot go back to “how they were”. So, you have two choices. You can either walk away, or you can find a way to get passed it. That’s it – they are the choices! The good thing is, there’s no rush to make an immediate decision. Sit on the fence for as long as you like, until YOU are ready to land on whichever side you choose. Sending you love and strength. SWxo

  2. I am so sorry that after all this time you are still so shattered and broken. He betrayed you for two years, and that level of betrayal can wreak havoc on your mind, heart and emotions. I just hope that you find a way to be happy, and that you either find happiness in your marriage for YOUR sake, or that you choose to be happy and leave him. That level of betrayal can be hard to cope with, but it sounds like you are in limbo.
    Can I ask you this, and maybe have you ponder this for a while?

    Do you WANT to be happy in your marriage ever again? Do you WANT to be happy with M ever again?

    I think if you can answer that, or at least have a glimmer of an answer to that then you may find you have some direction. One day the kids will grow up and leave home…will you be happy with just you and M in the house?

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