i am tired of being at the inlaws already and it’s just been fully I think a week and some change.
My house is really empty and the maids are coming tomorrow to clean top to bottom.
I am trying to look at my house as just a temporary home and the sadness that moving can bring is overwhelming.
But I am thankful for friends for family and Rizzo is amazing and invites me for lunch everyday she is in town amazing
I feel so indifferent to M and numb I wake up make him breakfast do what I need to do but I feel so displaced with him. There is very little feeling about how I feel with him.
M is handsome and kind. He watched the kids as I went to Wichita and blew 500 dollars on candy and bras.
I came home he says he missed me but I didn’t miss him. I didn’t feel the need to call him. I didn’t miss him at all and I didn’t see that as a bad or good thing it just is.
I don’t feel I need to say anymore above and beyond to M because he isn’t stupid when it comes to me anymore.
He analyzes, watches me and can tell so much.
He can feel and sense things about me that sometimes I am unsure of.
My first intinct is to say there must be something wrong with me
Second is fuck no there isn’t anything wrong with you!
Third is don’t get too big headed about yourself that will set you up for a trip to delusion land and hell if we want to go there and be just the very thing like M and KB that I am so against.
I was going to Hangout with a pal of mine I haven’t talked with in awhile and I saw Shane’s name.
I remember wanting to message him after he hadn’t messages me in 22 days back and I chose not too but today I wanted to and I remember the feeling of fun and flirting we would do. But I know better funny 10 years older than me and he didn’t know better.
I miss that most with M. I suppose I always will. How I didn’t harbor anything against him. How I used to see him and love him.
Never again says my heart
But other facets of my life say otherwise
Here’s to today everyone