NH: Will it always hurt?

Rizzo: Does it hurt when you think about the pain with your Mom?

NH: No, it makes me sad when I see my girls and know there is a Little girl being treated like that.

Rizzo: It’s the same 

And NH just wants to cry and stay in bed for weeks now…


8 thoughts on “Conversation

  1. Rizzo is wrong. I’m sorry, NH. It will always hurt. I know this because my grief over other hurts/losses had an end. This has hurt like a MOFO, even nearly six years later. It is a different hurt. That is not to say you may well find a way to manage the pain – many do. Sleep it off chicken xxx

  2. Just a thought, NH. I was told by a psychologist I started seeing after my first suicide attempt – this was probably several months into my sessions with her – that I am suffering from complicated grief. Look it up online – it is something I was aware of fairly early on in my journey. It is when your grief doesn’t neatly fit into the seven stages, or you grieve “too hard” or “not hard enough” or “for too long” and it makes people very uncomfortable. My BFF told me that I needed meds as I was taking too long to “get over it” – this was around a year in. I stopped talking to her about this not long afterwards, aware that those who haven’t lived this really do want to help, but have no idea of the range of emotions you are really experiencing, and the reality of your future with cheating in your past. If I’m honest, I think I might have been one of those who might not have understood it someone was still grieving after all this time if I hadn’t lived this myself? Maybe. I think this is where Rizzo was trying to help, but it just ends up making you feel worse, because you feel “crap at recovery – what a loser I am, no one died!”

    I haven’t found a really good way of dealing with it yet. I do have quieter, calmer times, but I am always aware of my loss, and I feel deep grief still for what I lost, for all he gave away for some immediate ego stroking when he got lost along the way here, all the time. I also read a good article about low level depression yesterday, and how it actually might be good for us in the long run – and I do understand that – just hoping the long run is not too far away, lol! I will try to find the article again and post the link

  3. Oh, and another thing I have been very aware of from the beginning is to do with the “addictive” qualities of misery – I know, how fucking stupid, huh? But the pleasure/reward zone in your brain is where the dopamine hits come from, and dopamine can also come from grief. I knew this before, that misery and pleasure are too closely linked. I was really worried from early on that I was a candidate for this misery addiction – and I think I have been affected by this to a fair degree, despite being aware of it!

  4. I can speak from experience, (sadly) that the pain can and does subside. Seven year ago I went through the same thing with my husband, and even though I thought we were past everything, it happened again. It takes a while, and I think getting past the pain has a lot to do with how your husband responds to your pain and your grief as part of the recovery. This is almost as tragic as when a child dies, so this pain and betrayal is strong and intense. But eventually, if you choose to walk toward healing and forgiveness it will subside. As you deal with the anger as it comes, and deal with the fear as it comes, you can and will stop feeling the pain. It will never be a pleasant dinner conversation subject, but it won’t tug at your heart in the same way. After a year it begins to get better, but only if you deal with the anger. If you don’t deal with the initial emotions then you could stay locked in this pain for years to come.

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