A piece missing

I went out with Rizzo and a few other gals for a birthday party. The gathering was fun and I was laughed at, with, and we all had a blast.

But there is a piece missing. Seems there always is a piece missing when M and I are barely even friends.

I’m not sure how to find peace with him anymore.

I’m not sure I want to.

Another blogger asked if I want to be happy with M or see myself happy in this marriage again?

I’m not sure.. I really don’t care about this marriage anymore.. just a waste of time to me..

But my kids are not.. we built this family on alot of things and it’s sad that their Mom no longer sees their father as a kind husband, or even want him to be hers at all.

But I walk this walk not as a martyr by any means but as someone who isn’t sure what her path is.. but would rather not walk away from this marriage at the moment.

Kind of like the wedding dress for a bride. I suppose you just know when it’s time to break free.

I want to find the missing piece, whatever that maybe in my life right now..

Maybe the missing piece isn’t really a piece but I feel like a fraud amongst women who love their husbands. Like I shouldn’t be married feeling this way or I don’t belong in this crowd anymore..

It’s a strange place to be..

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3 thoughts on “A piece missing

  1. I think any betrayed feels like there is a missing piece. Because there is. There’s lots missing now. Trust, true love, security, your best friend. Though, the best friend is still there. He’s different & so are you. You have to build a new puzzle and see if he’s the missing piece or not. I understand, I feel like I’m missing my puzzle piece I used to have but I tossed that puzzle out & I’m trying to put together a new one, WE are putting together a new one. We can’t find all the pieces just yet & some are a struggle to fit in right but for now, I’m focused on the puzzle I want to build, doesn’t mean down the road I might say this puzzle just is too hard and toss it out too. I hope you find peace & that piece ❤

  2. Hello Lovely…I’m sorry I’ve not been reading your posts…life has been very difficult for me. I hear what you are saying…seems like we are always going through very similar things. I asked my husband for a separation. We can’t Literally separate, because I’m NOT financially independent and we only have one vehicle soooo yeah pretty difficult right now to be able to do that…but I asked for no physical contact and that right now I do not want to share my spiritual or personal life with him. I want to see where he is really at…I want to see clearly and a physical relationship clouds my vision and my judgement. So I was really angry and Tuesday evening I made it clear what I wanted and have been able to stick to my guns. I have seen that he is not leading…he followed suit and is also closing up, he is not leading in pursuing or being open himself regardless of my feelings…he leans on me and what I can give him to be motivated in this marriage. If this will work he has to step up.
    ALSO separating has also brought me out of this horrible fog…so that I can see where I AM WRONG in my attitudes and words and actions…I am highly critical, my attitudes are not seasoned with grace and NO MATTER what I am responsible for that.
    Today he dropped money when he was trying to throw money into the toll bucket and I laughed…I wasn’t meaning to mock him…but I was. I had to apologize and identify and ask for forgiveness. I have to own my own lack of humility regardless of who he is.
    I’ve been thinking about that scripture that says “Lord, who is the one who betrays You?” So Peter seeing him said to Jesus, “Lord, and what about this man?” Jesus said to him, “If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me!”…
    So Jesus is clearly saying…if he does betray…what is that to me? If the Lord wants ME to remain that I am to follow Jesus and own that calling not try to figure out the future if my husband will betray me or not…just keep it simple and follow Jesus.
    Being separated from him has given me some clarity…honestly divorce is no light decision. It is horrible. Seems like the women get the short end of the stick. I wish we were promised a better life after our husbands cheat, but unfortunately not. We have to wait in silence, in pain, in agony, and eventually comfort does come…God will direct as we just let him…should I stay or go both are painful…but it is not our husbands that lead in life only Jesus does.
    I’ve reached out to others…so many are counseling, confirming, praying…etc. And I have the responsibility to seek the Lord above all things. He stands at the door knocking and I need to open that door to Him.

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