Wondering what it will be like without him.
Wondering what it’s like to break his heart.
Wondering what it’s like to cheat.
Wondering how operating out of God’s will for my life will pan out.
And then the wondering stops.
Because as much as this betrayal ceased how strong I felt for my husband. I have been able to look into why I do the things I do.
I mean I’ll have to admit there were times where I wanted to cheat on my husband. I did and it felt risky.
I’m not about risks, why though? That’s on me not him.
I seem to want to complain about making the right decisions..
And the God convicts me everytime that I am fortunate to have such a plight.
That I am able to return to My Creator and try my best to live in his will.
That I do not succumb to pleasures of flesh that will undermine my family and hold them down in my own sin like my husband did.
And the self-righteousness I hold against M seems to be a bit bothersome lately because if I knew there was going to be no consequences I would have cheated on him, and left him numerous times ago.
Yeah how’s that for a loyal spouse. But I remained loyal in actions but not in heart. So many times I knew I married the wrong person and yet somehow we would come out happy amongst the resentments and disagreements that could not be resolved.
And maybe I’m a dreamer but I thought things would get better in our marriage.
Not sure things are better after almost a year of hating him to some degree in one form or another.
I do know, his needs and wants do not supersede mine anymore. I don’t worry about what he’s wearing to work, or what he’s going to eat. He doesn’t expect me to either.
We work together more efficiently but our communication sucks alot of the time. I have so many random thoughts about his affair and him he can just put it all behind him. As if that bitch was some cobweb to be swept away and never remembered.
Even though she still is a living breathing woman who continues to walk the face of the earth engaging with others who I feel sorry for.
Don’t get me wrong I still feel sorry for myself.
I don’t feel lucky I’m married to M. Somedays I stare at him and think what the fuck am I still doing with him?
But that’s real in my life anyway..
See how the wondering gets me?
It’s one of the many sins I harbor, I truly want to walk in God’s will for my life because if anything M did for me by having an affair is show me exactly what walking out of the will of God does.
Nothing but create ashes and after my lovely stints of wanting to die..
I am starting to feel very much alive…