The wondering gets to me.

Wondering what it will be like without him.

Wondering what it’s like to break his heart.

Wondering what it’s like to cheat.

Wondering how operating out of God’s will for my life will pan out.

And then the wondering stops.

Because as much as this betrayal ceased how strong I felt for my husband. I have been able to look into why I do the things I do.

I mean I’ll have to admit there were times where I wanted to cheat on my husband. I did and it felt risky.

I’m not about risks, why though? That’s on me not him.

I seem to want to complain about making the right decisions..

And the God convicts me everytime that I am fortunate to have such a plight.

That I am able to return to My Creator and try my best to live in his will.

That I do not succumb to pleasures of flesh that will undermine my family and hold them down in my own sin like my husband did.

And the self-righteousness I hold against M seems to be a bit bothersome lately because if I knew there was going to be no consequences I would have cheated on him, and left him numerous times ago.

Yeah how’s that for a loyal spouse. But I remained loyal in actions but not in heart. So many times I knew I married the wrong person and yet somehow we would come out happy amongst the resentments and disagreements that could not be resolved.

And maybe I’m a dreamer but I thought things would get better in our marriage.

Not sure things are better after almost a year of hating him to some degree in one form or another.

I do know, his needs and wants do not supersede mine anymore. I don’t worry about what he’s wearing to work, or what he’s going to eat. He doesn’t expect me to either.

We work together more efficiently but our communication sucks alot of the time. I have so many random thoughts about his affair and him he can just put it all behind him. As if that bitch was some cobweb to be swept away and never remembered.

Even though she still is a living breathing woman who continues to walk the face of the earth engaging with others who I feel sorry for.

Don’t get me wrong I still feel sorry for myself.

I don’t feel lucky I’m married to M. Somedays I stare at him and think what the fuck am I still doing with him?

But that’s real in my life anyway..

See how the wondering gets me?

It’s one of the many sins I harbor, I truly want to walk in God’s will for my life because if anything M did for me by having an affair is show me exactly what walking out of the will of God does.

Nothing but create ashes and after my lovely stints of wanting to die..

I am starting to feel very much alive…

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6 thoughts on “The wondering gets to me.

  1. Wondering can kill us. I do it every day. Somethings you mention, and the others, about the affair. I just wonder, wonder, wonder. And then I hear my therapist saying “what is wondering getting you?” … anxiety, sadness, hurt, angry… “and do you want to feel those?” … No, but… “then stop torturing yourself”…
    So easier said than done.

  2. My husband and I were texting back and forth last week as he was working away and i told him much the same thing…

    “I’m not sure we’ll ever be ok. I don’t think I’ll ever love you like I did. I’ll certainly never trust you like I did. How could I?? That’s not to say I don’t love you but I no longer have pride in our marriage. it’s certainly no longer a marriage to be proud of is it? I always thought it was. I guess you had different ideas. But do I love you? Yes, otherwise I wouldn’t be here!”

    Sad isn’t it, sad that our partners would risk it all just to fuck with someone else!

    But hey, NH, glad you’re starting to feel alive… like the phoenix rising from the ashes ❤

  3. I have no idea… he did a good enough job of tearing the marriage down all by himself. Its time for us to be honest with each other. I’m not going to sweep what he did under the carpet. He needs to own his actions and if I’m triggered or feel the need to talk about what he did then I will. I do sometimes wonder whether me bringing the affair up, is a trigger for him to remember their times together, but then I think, tough shit… I have multiple triggers daily, I’m sure he does too, whether I mention it or not.

    Thanks to his desire to go fuck some whore, we are having to rebuild our marriage from the ground up. Our very foundations need rebuilding and in order to that we have to be 100% honest with each other. If he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is and if he wants to go thru it, I’ll gladly hold it open for him!

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