The Difference

Last Sunday was great M helped me with my Sunday school class and he’s done this before a few times.

He has stood in for me when I was running late.

He offered to buy the class donuts and I took him up on his offer. He stayed the whole time usually he has to play in the band, but now since we are moving he hasn’t been called to play.

The kids adored him my precious 3-6th graders.

And lately I have been seeing the good my husband is bringing and has brought into my life.

Many times over the past year I have asked myself and M what is the difference? What’s the difference between me and her? What’s the difference between you and that asshole that was cheating on me?

You told her you loved her, You told me.

Fucking her, fucking me..

Oh yeah you sent and received naked pictures of each other. That’s the difference.. sorry I missed out..

But lately.. I have felt such a peace.. like it’s all coming together

Because the difference between me and his affair?

I brought light into his life.. the affair brought nothing but ashes and despair.

And we are talking about long term fulfillment in life.. Sure maybe the affair brought some shits and giggles but that will not sustain a person’s character, or gain a quality of life. Least not the quality of life that M wants or desires.

Because if he did desire his affair, more than the life he desperately wants?

He would have left me. Then he wouldn’t have to be in an affair.

Some people are self-sabatogers.. and well I think M did a mighty fine job. Because what we had pre-affair was pretty darn special.

Now I will always have had to share to my husband. It’s part of our story now.. I am not the only woman in our marriage he has slept with.

But you know what I am not the regret she, the affair, and what he had become are.

I am the only woman who has mothered his children and brought a lifestyle to him no spoiled apple could give him. I am the only woman who has poured light into his life and multiplied blessings with him, and for him.

We had dinner at our pastor’s house with all kids theirs plus ours equal 12 kids on Tuesday. The wife and I have a great connection.

After dinner we had worship and it was special singing and just enjoying Jesus, the fellowship and being fortunate to experience this peace with our kids.

And I see M’s face and this is what the difference is.

Our family, this marriage, brings light into M’s life.

The spoiled apple? Affair? Death.. Ashes.. Dust.. like trying to hold water in your hand.

Our kids are serving others, learning to create, and be courageous and kind.

I feel so much stronger and I told PW (pastor’s wife) that I do feel stronger and I take nothing back, I do not regret all my craziness since D-day. I did all I knew how to do and I know that I did not settle.

Because everything I have wanted to know, I found out, fought out, or screamed out.

All I have ever thought about the affair has been mostly said or questioned.

I do not regret digging into his files, or questioning anything.

And if  there is anything more I know I will be able to handle it, arm wrestle it, fucking stomp on it, and figure out what to do.

There is nothing that I wish I didn’t ask, or didn’t find out whether by Bob, me, or him.

And hell I’m smart enough to know I may feel differently tomorrow or the next.

But I also know that I’m fucking strong.

Strength in enduring, and strength in not settling.

Strength to pull myself out of the trenches with Christ’s love and see the beauty that surrounds me.

See good things in M he contributes to my life, he brings life, where once he brought death..

He is a good Dad.

Know my bitch ass can be CRAY CRAY on the real, but there is beauty in that.

I am fearlessly and wonderfully made.

My light will shine, no matter who has tried to snuff it out..

And that dear friends is quite amazing..

I look back and still cannot believe this had happened to me.

And I would not do it over again.. fuck that..

I will never appreciate my husband’s affair or believe it was the best thing that ever happened to me or our relationship.

Personally I disagree with the philosophy that our relationship was lacking and if we are to stay together that we need to fix those things.

Because what relationship isn’t lacking?

So for now I am loving on M.

Not sure I am in love with M.

But I don’t hate him.. I don’t want to use the free space in my brain for death and destruction anymore. I think I got it out of my system for the moment anyway 🙂

Funny thing is I think this mentality scares M more than my CRAY phase..

Which is pretty amusing

 

 

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6 thoughts on “The Difference

  1. So glad to hear that you’re in that better place ( one of accepting what has happened -despite the fucked-uped-ness- its just there, part of history now). Moving forward in life with M and the new ways together, the good that can proceed in your marriage and family. You go girl!

  2. I’m also glad to read this and see you are in a more peaceful place. Sounds like you are close to acceptance. You made a few profound statements: You aren’t what he regrets, she and the affair are. The affair brought only short term fulfillment, not something that was sustainable. If he truly wanted what her and what he was getting in the affair, he would have left.
    While I think we all know this stuff – its great to hear and be reminded. This takes such a toll on us and our confidence. It sounds to me, like you have some amazing confidence going on. Keep it up and thanks for sharing.

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