I woke up and the baby was in the middle of us. I went to bed irritated. I woke up in tears and I wanted to take a pillow and smoother him. Not suffocate him because of course he would fight back. Or even if he didn’t I wouldn’t suffocated him..
Well I take that back since most of us BS’s get the I never thought I was that kind of person from our Wayward’s, or I didn’t know I would take it that far since I didn’t attempt to put a pillow over his face who knows?
He might have called the cops on me and I could be in jail typing this. But we will never know what I’m capable of until I actually decide to go there.
I will tell him about it though.
Can’t keep wanting to smother your spouse to yourself?
Or maybe I will tell my circle first. Because Lord only knows what comes out of my mouth to M is not the fruits of the spirit lately.
But I suppose this morning I just wanted him to know what it’s like.
He has no fucking idea how maddening it is for me about how much I hate him and love him at the same time lately.
Or even to question himself because he is the stupid man to have an affair in the first place.
I question so much about myself staying.
What kind of person am I? What do I see as love to me? What absolutely do I not find loving?
What will I not fucking tolerate every again from his stupid ass??
Maybe since I have said very little to him since we have gotten here. Maybe since I feel like I have to turn off to get through this life of mine. Which makes me wonder could that be a good thing?
But don’t fret for M’s life I bet no matter how hard I pressed the low budget Super 8 pillow couldn’t suffocate anyone anyway.. I bet one of those memory foam gel pillows would do it easy and well I’m not spending that kind of money to go to prison or jail.
I’m going to look up recipes for the new house we will soon move into.
I wish M knew all the things that swirl in my head about him maybe he wouldn’t be so stupid and try to listen to his band videos the ones I supported him to going, missing out on our family time to practice for while he’s having an affair, or pretending to taste me through my clothes and I’m like your icky.. seriously.. get the fuck off me.. Do I really want you down there where your tongue has been all over herpes whore??
He’s so stupid..