wow just finished most of all the devo plans on Youversion about infidelity..
I totally cried and will keep many of those verses to memorize And keep for my own heart and benefit.
The info was good however now I realize that I am not connected to my spouse that is the reason why we have been failing it’s like we seem to do steps but nothing works.
If he does good we get along meaning patient, works, provides, helps with kids, I see him in a good light because he is in my graces, I find him attractive, f.e driving all our stuff here from Canada, finding solutions for problems
But things can go all to shit so quickly..
Same for me if I am not crying, loving on him, encouraging him, praising him all is well but it isn’t
One thing those devos did for me is see we are just legalizing and nothing is changing in our hearts about each other and the Holy Spirit knows this.
That is why I am having such a fucking hard time. I still have not gotten down to why he cheated and his complete mind fuck in his head.
I don’t thin he even knows and just wNts to forget and wish it never happened. Yes I see fruits of the spirit in him however how he got us on all of this mess I need to know.
I deserve to know what is in that fucked up dark heart of his that for some reason I fell for.
That for some reason God keeps telling me to stay but work needs to be done and not on my part.
Not saying I don’t have issues and I don’t need work done. We all know I do but his heart what the fuck is in there I need to know and I am getting impatient.
He thinks he has changed and he is a different person but I want answers on what the fuck he was thinking before???
Ok let’s give him the tramp is out of the picture and he realizes being a trAmp and sleeping with a trAmp is bad news so is lying..
What kind of jackass was I married to before??
I want to hear it from his mouth.
I want to know what is in there what makes him tick because what we are doing is dancing and it is becoming stupid to me.
And a waste of time.
I refuse to waste my time chasing my tail thinking things will get better. I am stronger into faith and listening to Christ and I am finally able to put into words what is wrong.
Tomorrow will be a day of reckoning dear friends..
Because I am not connected to him there is no intimacy I can fuck him and please him as I would any man I can be with.
He is saddened by this because he cannot fuck without emotion. I don’t tie sex with emotions.
I just was one of those women who didn’t tie my identity or worth in a boy or sex. I am able to have sex and walk away.
I can raise kids with him, teach the kids to honor and respect him, but I am not intimate with him any longer.
He is not someone I want to spend time with. I do this for our family and my obedience to God.
I have learned so much about myself while staying that I can say I have not wasted my time on him. Or obeying Christ but the time has come to have more movement in this relationship if we really are going to do this.
And by this I mean us.
Whether we stay together or not is not the issue the issue is intimacy.
He didn’t have it with his whore, being a whore, or with me so what’s his deal?
Has nothing to do with me and everything all in the same.
We both crave it and do not get it from each other.
M and I are very much alike.
I am tired of dancing..