And yes maybe I’m being a bit dramatic with the day of reckoning title of it all.
I woke him up about 6am to tell him I need to talk with him before the kids get up.
As we look towards the ocean I take his hand to pray.
I pray what I say comes out in peace, how God wants me to say things.
And it worked.
I didn’t yell, he lost it a few times.
I didn’t feel when the kids woke up that we should have more time and the kids are such an inconvenience..
I welcomed them when they awoke and found us.
We close on the house tomorrow hopefully.
It’s nice to hear how the neighborhood thinks we got such a great deal.
I look forward to making money on that home more than what we made on the last.
Sometimes I still regret selling our house for what we did. In my head I always think we could have gotten more and if it wasn’t for me questioning my husband we could have.
But live and learn that’s our first house we sold together.
Don’t think it will be our last.
Anyways the day of reckoning I held my head with dignity and told him what I thought of the way we are going about. How we don’t have that bond of intimacy and to be honest I’m not sure I am capable of giving it to him.
I was honest, like I usually am and every statement he gave was rebutted with what is true and what I see happening.
His lack of words, his lack of relating to me.
We have a history and one I’m not particularly fond of at this time.
I told him I accepted you for who you are, who you told me you were and you fucking knifed me.
I don’t believe in the person you are unless you share what is in your heart.
Unless I can relate to you and understand you I really don’t see us doing this for much longer being two codependents just wafting along making each other happy, sad, miserable, then the cycle all over again.
Or replace each other when the convenient thing approaches. When someone new thinks you are the bees knees and I tell you guys I’m sure my time will come.
Where I will be tested and I think I will fail right now.
Because I find no loyalty to him. I find loyalty to God but even in my state of shallowness and sin I could easily falter and I know that.
But guess it doesn’t matter he is using his words and as I am delving into helping him look into himself for what that means or is.
I refuse to ever feel that we have a mediocre relationship again. I do not want my best friend to be my husband, I doubt he will ever be given the state I am in.
However I do know I will not pursue relationships with anyone anymore. I will not go the extra mile in adult relationships unless an act of God is telling me otherwise.
Because that is God working for me protecting me from the jack-asses of this world.
I should have listened better to myself. I fought hard for the marriage before affair. I’ll be damned if I give any fight to this marriage again.
I will not pursue him, I will not engage him when I feel it is unnecessary.
Like Rizzo said I carried this marriage for a long time.
It’s his turn
whether we stay together or not. He has to be the one to man up and fight for this relationship, because let’s just say if M and I were to part ways now?
There wouldn’t be a thing I regret saying to him or doing.
I can walk away with a clear conscience.
I did all I could and this just didn’t work out.
I was kind, respectful, and honored my husband in my children’s eyes, for this family..
I could give two fucks about his marriage. It bears no stamp on my self worth, or what I choose to do with my life from this day forward.
My loyalty is to God and to my children the ones God gave me to teach, train, and learn from as well.
There is no loyalty to my husband right now.
And I don’t think that is such a terrible place to be and M understands that.
Good grief I am just rambling on..
Anyways today is a good day.
I am meal planning and figuring out what to do with our home, and children.
I have to tell you all that I am curious if God will restore my marriage.
I read in one of the infidelity devos and came across this verse they referenced for marriage.
I will make up to you the years that the locust has eaten…” (Joel 2:25, NASB)
Restoration and Reconciliation.. a few things I clearly know nothing about but if this marriage survives I suppose I will learn a thing or two.. maybe even three..