I’m alright in the eyes of my husband

Ok.. Ok.. I get it..

Yeah I’m open with M about not reconciling with him and yes, he is such a tortured soul by not giving up and walking out..

I tell M how I’m feeling with respect and tact now.

Something that even after a year I have a hard time doing.

I ask randomly last night as we are going to bed..

M.. How do you feel about your wife tonight?

He say’s “Alright”

And I try to get him to say more..

Like alright when I ask you about your breakfast sandwhiches, or the new cheese I bought..

Yeah he says.

You use the same descriptions for sanwhiches and your wife.

I almost wanted to be mad everyone.

Then I realized I asked.

He answered.

And while I feel his answer is amazingly lame.

I almost wanted to be surprised.

I fought in my head to be like why am I upset about his stupid immature answers..

or am I being immature?

Not the second guessing of myself that happens in the beginning of all of this nonsense.

But truly figuring out me.

Because seriously if I was hoping for a thoughtful answer, or had the hope of him being any kind of friend or companion.

I am still the same girl.

Crazy, naive, one..

But it’s good to know I still have hope that things would get better between me and M.

Not for our love just that we can be friends at least instead of great fuck buddies.

It’s also good to know if his answers still blow as to how we connect or how he even sees me..

Good grief I still forget the man cannot even see himself.

He still thinks what he did wasn’t that bad.

Not the monster I claim he was..

I’ve read this before many a times amongst my betrayed blogging sisters and brothers

He/She just doesn’t get it..

I know he probably won’t ever.

He’s content being in is own world of if only she would want reconciliation, or want to be married to me then (insert blank here) things will get better, we can start new.

Even though he has no idea what that even looks like starting new.

But I also know looking at his end of this dance we are doing, focusing on his moves, just distracts me from focusing on mine.

Focusing on my heart, how to obey God.

I do not need to waste time on someone who thinks “I’m alright”.

I know who I am and I’m pretty darn spectacular..

So I fell asleep peaceful last night.

I don’t have to worry that he doesn’t get it ever.

Because I get it, it meaning caring about human behavior and having a relationship that completely is amazing.

What he thinks or feels about me is super irrelevant anymore.

For some reason I like to hear how someone I’m living life with can validate me.

Which is grand he still is not accommodating me in that area.

Because I don’t need him to validate me ever.

M doesn’t have it in him to do that, to express himself, his ideas, his affections.

Only when he’s having an affair can he do that I guess..

Then again I never saw what they talked about since all his messages were deleted.

And he has no clue besides the sex talk what they talked about to make him find KB so mesmerizing.

He can’t even remember what they talked about.

I’m way more than alright.

Living life with someone is supposed to add to your life instead of being one strange lesson at a time.

But I have to say I am thankful for the lessons BLARING at me 24-7 in my head.

Because I’m growing everyone..

Going to apply for a part-time night job and then try a full-time night job after summer maybe working on the ferry.

We are planning to go to CA and OR this summer and the extra funds are always welcome and I would like to have us be in a similar position soon as we were in KS with paying off our home.

Slowly but surely this whole marriage is fading away as it should.

The grief, sorrow, and pain.. I feel it less and less there are times where I get sucker-punched still but hopefully those will be less and less too.

I never had the marriage or man I thought I had.

Takes sometime to come to terms with that.

And that dream doesn’t die quickly..

I wish it did..

❤ you all

NH

 

 

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7 thoughts on “I’m alright in the eyes of my husband

  1. First of all, you asked him how he felt towards you, not what he thinks of you in an objective sense. In response to the actual question, why should he think anything other than “alright”? You’ve stayed with him for the sex and for the good of the kids, but that isn’t likely to fill him with feelings of ecstasy towards you.

    No matter how awesome you are objectively, from his perspective, you don’t appear to be giving him much reason to hope he’ll ever be happy in his marriage. I can tell you how I’d feel if my wife was awesome but she repeatedly told me she was only going to tolerate me for the rest of my life, and I don’t think it would be “alright.”

    In my opinion based on what I’ve read over the last nine months, I don’t think this is so much about him not “getting it,” but about your reaction to what happened. You may feel justified in feeling and acting the way you do, but healthy marriage isn’t about justice – it’s about love and mutual sacrifice. An affair doesn’t change that dynamic, it just makes it harder to maintain.

    It really comes down to this: if you are going to withhold reconciliation, if you are going to hold onto resentment, if you are going to refuse to ever trust again, then you are going to have a bad marriage, regardless of how your husband acts. I don’t want that for either of you, because you can have so much more.

    • Usually you are pretty even keel when it comes to reading posts Anony.. so maybe I’m reading this wrong, but it’s quite accusing..
      I don’t resent him anymore. I resent who he was and how I accepted him fully.
      How throughout our working on our marriage he was still screwing her.
      I was working on our marriage, apologizing for being disloyal to him, being vulnerable with him.
      Working on myself, doing the work.
      I get it from your perspective and your situation.
      You had an affair, wife found out, and now you are working on your marriage.
      That isn’t my story.
      M was going to marital counseling and let her watch our kids.
      He believed in his sick brain, my marriage will get better..
      All the while I’m wasting my time on this marriage not me.
      I grew..
      I get it, sure it sounds harsh that I have no idea what reconciliation looks like and that I’m not interested.
      Maybe not today, or years from now.
      I don’t know.
      Because we went through the process of saving our marriage before and well we weren’t saving anything.
      My marriage was long gone.. I just was last in on it.
      My husband is someone I have no intention on getting to know right now or ever.
      I care for him and love him by loving on our children and loving this family.
      I love M Anony, I do he is not a good friend to me, but as a provider he is great.
      I don’t toot my horn about saving my kids the heartbreak of telling them what a sham they had for a Dad, because let’s face it it’s easy to do.

      But I knew better to do right by God.
      Am I obeying God by staying with my husband. I don’t know what reconciliation looks like for this marriage.

      All I can do is focus on myself Anony is that going to make for a great marriage or friendship between me and M?

      I don’t know but I can’t keep waiting for something to happen in this marriage.

      My love for M is gone in the sense of loyalty and wanting anything romantic with him, or be vulnerable with him.

      Yes, I am reacting to how this has all gone down. What else can I do?

      There are good reactions and bad and I’m had my fair share of both.

      I don’t understand the so much more. M says the same thing.

      Of course I want more. I still miss the husband I thought I had.

      One who believed and fought for good. A man who would protect me and help me along no matter who played footsie with him or wanted to screw him. To tell me his deep dark secrets.

      I told him mine.

      And I am working on me my tit-for-tat conditional love, feeling like the prodigal son’s brother, understanding how I feel about my faith and motherhood.

      Being M’s wife is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me.

      Yet I stay and am learning to be content in the situation that God has placed me in and with.

      1 Corinthians 7:20
      Each man must remain in that condition in which he was called.

      My condition is M’s wife and I’m doing what may seem like small baby steps to be content with this plight.

      Sometimes I wonder if M will be this constant thorn in my flesh that will never leave me.

      Yet, Paull learned from his and I am trying to learn from mine.

      And maybe when I learn more and understand about myself and Our Savior maybe then I will come to be ready for reconciliation.

      Maybe not.

      I don’t know guess only time will tell.

      I’m learning to be at peace with M and being with him after his betrayal.
      Romans 12:18
      18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.

      Am I working this perfectly out? Hell no..
      But we live at peace with each other and I find that with strange cold answers like the one he answered above.

      How do you feel about your wife tonight?
      Alright is a description that he uses for everything.
      Yes, he has every right to answer that question there is no right and wrong to how he feels.

      But if he is wanting to show me he’s working on himself? He is waiting for me? He wants to be the love of MY life again?

      He’s going to have to delve deeper than his usual responses in our communication.

      If he doesn’t want to do that, then that’s on him and on me too.

      Because I have to acknowledge what he gave me is just like before.
      Little.

      He doesn’t recognize that and I have grown tired of telling him.

      All I can do is be content and live at peace for our kids, for this family.

      Because M is no lost cause. Christ loves him and so do I.

      But Christ has his own work to do in M and I don’t see it.

      But I also know I don’t get to question the work going on in M because I can’t judge his heart.

      I just know what doesn’t work for me and that’s between Christ and I.

      Some say the feelings will come with the actions of love.

      Guess we will see.
      Also I read my post over and yes the two got intertwined about what M thinks of me and how he feels. However I think I went the route if he wasn’t going to give me more words.

      He could have come up with many other things to say..

      Once again you took this post with lots of moxy not sure if it’s because of care, hope, or this just hit a nerve.

      Take Care NH

      • Yeah, I don’t know either. As I was writing my comment, I knew deep down that I was probably going off the rails a bit. I tried rewriting it a few times, but in the end clicked send on a comment I should have sat on for a few hours. I don’t send good comments when I feel like “I NEED TO SEND A COMMENT RIGHT NOW!!!”, you know what I mean?

        I apologize for going off on your post. The more I think about it, the more I think I was responding to what I was feeling and not what you had written. It’s no excuse, but it’s been a weird couple of weeks around here on top of a stressful couple of months since I stopped writing in January. Thanks for replying to my comment with grace.

      • Sorry things have been rough or strange. I super get that as well since moving to the great ol AK. Glad your back commenting, hopefully writing. Your testimony has been missed.
        And anytime, it was good for me to kind of go in-depth about what I meant. The fact that I can do that without going all ape-bananas brought me peace.

        Not that your response got me all crazy but that what I wrote was not all hate-inspired craziness and I was able to think through the words I typed and not regret them or question them.

        Here’s to May Anony and Mrs. Anony 🙂

    • Also I wanted to disagree how I do believe that love and mutual sacrifice has changed after an affair and it is not about justice in this family anyway.

      I do love M but I no longer am in love with him. I can have sex, make him breakfast plan our family days with him, care about his feelings of said plans, ask about his day, his life.
      But doesn’t make me fall head over heels for him, or make me want to have date nights with him.
      Just doesn’t.
      Don’t know why.
      Also with mutual sacrifice M and I both sacrifice a bunch to be here doing this with our kids, for this family.

      You are right in a sense the parts that equate the dynamic of a marriage did not change, but the dynamic of the marriage changed indeed.

      I think

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