Ok.. Ok.. I get it..
Yeah I’m open with M about not reconciling with him and yes, he is such a tortured soul by not giving up and walking out..
I tell M how I’m feeling with respect and tact now.
Something that even after a year I have a hard time doing.
I ask randomly last night as we are going to bed..
M.. How do you feel about your wife tonight?
He say’s “Alright”
And I try to get him to say more..
Like alright when I ask you about your breakfast sandwhiches, or the new cheese I bought..
Yeah he says.
You use the same descriptions for sanwhiches and your wife.
I almost wanted to be mad everyone.
Then I realized I asked.
And while I feel his answer is amazingly lame.
I almost wanted to be surprised.
I fought in my head to be like why am I upset about his stupid immature answers..
or am I being immature?
Not the second guessing of myself that happens in the beginning of all of this nonsense.
But truly figuring out me.
Because seriously if I was hoping for a thoughtful answer, or had the hope of him being any kind of friend or companion.
I am still the same girl.
Crazy, naive, one..
But it’s good to know I still have hope that things would get better between me and M.
Not for our love just that we can be friends at least instead of great fuck buddies.
It’s also good to know if his answers still blow as to how we connect or how he even sees me..
Good grief I still forget the man cannot even see himself.
He still thinks what he did wasn’t that bad.
Not the monster I claim he was..
I’ve read this before many a times amongst my betrayed blogging sisters and brothers
He/She just doesn’t get it..
I know he probably won’t ever.
He’s content being in is own world of if only she would want reconciliation, or want to be married to me then (insert blank here) things will get better, we can start new.
Even though he has no idea what that even looks like starting new.
But I also know looking at his end of this dance we are doing, focusing on his moves, just distracts me from focusing on mine.
Focusing on my heart, how to obey God.
I do not need to waste time on someone who thinks “I’m alright”.
I know who I am and I’m pretty darn spectacular..
So I fell asleep peaceful last night.
I don’t have to worry that he doesn’t get it ever.
Because I get it, it meaning caring about human behavior and having a relationship that completely is amazing.
What he thinks or feels about me is super irrelevant anymore.
For some reason I like to hear how someone I’m living life with can validate me.
Which is grand he still is not accommodating me in that area.
Because I don’t need him to validate me ever.
M doesn’t have it in him to do that, to express himself, his ideas, his affections.
Only when he’s having an affair can he do that I guess..
Then again I never saw what they talked about since all his messages were deleted.
And he has no clue besides the sex talk what they talked about to make him find KB so mesmerizing.
He can’t even remember what they talked about.
I’m way more than alright.
Living life with someone is supposed to add to your life instead of being one strange lesson at a time.
But I have to say I am thankful for the lessons BLARING at me 24-7 in my head.
Because I’m growing everyone..
Going to apply for a part-time night job and then try a full-time night job after summer maybe working on the ferry.
We are planning to go to CA and OR this summer and the extra funds are always welcome and I would like to have us be in a similar position soon as we were in KS with paying off our home.
Slowly but surely this whole marriage is fading away as it should.
The grief, sorrow, and pain.. I feel it less and less there are times where I get sucker-punched still but hopefully those will be less and less too.
I never had the marriage or man I thought I had.
Takes sometime to come to terms with that.
And that dream doesn’t die quickly..
I wish it did..
❤ you all