Okay so I reblogged that article and then I thought.. maybe I don’t want to try and fall in love with him again..

I was paying bills and the thought occurred why would I want to fall in love with him again?

And then I’m like you are so sure you won’t anyway what could it hurt.

I kind of went bananas last night.

No yelling, name calling, just venting.

When I get like that I am unsure about what the whole problem is.

I have to talk about many a things and even then that might not even be the ROOT problem.

We saw Johnny Wick and just the love for his wife and she signed the card “Your Best Friend, Helen”

We all know I am not best friends with M.

We are living at peace, we do have sex, we do laugh and play with the kids.

We can smile, hug, buy each other things.

All on such a superficial scale sometimes I believe it isn’t but truly giving it thought it seems so. but after an affair with a reformed slut it’s difficult to tell who I am in a relationship with.

And is being at peace and cordial to M better than no relationship at all?

I find it very difficult to not care who M is

I mean my faith tells me no one is committed to me like Christ.

And I have a great set up here guys. Beautiful view, beautiful kids, M and I are going to make this home fantastic.

We work together very meticulously, like a sweet dance with a stranger.

You are careful not to step on toes, when a mistake happens both are quick to apologize, see the fault in each other and excuse it quickly and move on to accomplish the task at hand.

This morning I woke up and called him to apologize for calling him a punctual legalist at our bible study and that I did go to a place of NH where M has no control.

And there was not going to be a resolution to anything that came out of my mouth.

No peace.

And I realized that I must come to M with more articulated, bulleted communication almost. Where the mission is clear. Problem, solution.

I told him this and how it seems so much work on my part and I am quick to say this isn’t worth it.

And I can see things from his perspective he using more words, communicating with me more than he ever has before and it’s work on his part and just as easy to give up on his end too.

So I say to him after divulging those nuggets of info that Why are we changing so much for each other? It’s quite clear M and I are two majorly different people who clearly need what the other does not have or does not want to have.

We cut the conversation short he does have to work and communication with this slut was only through text which I just don’t do. I have other things going on like working on my family, homeschooling our kids, life in general than to just text.

I don’t get validation from M, being his wife has caused the most pain in my life and any emptyness or void I don’t think will ever be filled by him. He fulfills his role as Dad to our kids, and a possible friend with benefits.

But you know that friend almost more of an acquaintance that has a rocky lifestyle, isn’t loyal to other friends, so you keep them at arms reach because they are pretty cool for the most part, but their shadyness, sketchy behavior poses you to want to hang out with other people?

That’s M for me..

I’m not sure I want to fall in love with him again considering the facts of who he is.

But then with following what I believe there is always hope for change for a person and God does that work, no one can know what’s in a person’s heart.

And I’m okay with that. Because I know I will be okay, M provides a lifestyle for us, btw applying for a night job so hoping i get it. He has taught me many a lessons being his wife and most of them come from dealing with what he is not to me.

He wasn’t a friend, he wasn’t intertwined or grateful for me, he was just in his own selfish bubble, growing in his own selfish ways for himself.

Until he broke our covenant did he see how little he contributed to this relationship and how stupid he was.

Poor fool..

It’s nice to read about a man committing adultery in the Bible. Bob you should check those verses out.

I know M is forgiven and repentant but for a time he felt all of those things and on a bad day I smile reading those because God took care of M I didn’t have to do anything.

I know God forgives M too, but M did not go unpunished nor will he ever for sleeping with another man’s wife, or breaking his covenant with me.

M tells me he doesn’t want to continue living like we are incompatible.

As I look at pictures of our Army days (our kids love seeing them) I don’t find much mourning for the man I knew.

I feel sorry for him.

He had every opportunity afforded to him and he tossed his character aside for a weak woman who wanted a weak man and vice versa.

Once again in my mind they super belong together.

I am curious what I will do when I am ever served papers, or he just decides to leave.

Good thing about that is I am not afraid of it happening at all. I kind of welcome the challenge.



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