As I have just eaten a boat load of carbs and feeling quite massive, have not showered.
Baked a cake, homeschooled, done the whole upack 5 boxes, my oven was not broiling the way it should, so we ordered pizza.
Was not impressed a large 5 meat and large cheese pizza here totaled 64.59 plus $8 tip and it was not that good.. have to get my A game on and always have a back-up dinner planned.
I was pissy today so we ordered pizza.. not a fan neither is boy. so that’s settled.
As M was looking at my new Kitchen-Aid and I thought there was a problem with it, as he looked up pizza places.
I wanted to hug him.. ohhh you guyssssss..
Why!! for the love of Christ maybe that’s it it’s because the love of Christ or the mediocre lemon cake.. but I wanted to touch him to hug him, to hold him..
Why can I not stay away??
It’s strange and maddening.. I’m going to go take a shower, read some bible and chill out..
M thinks I’m weird because I accidentally touched him while I was on the phone with the pizza gal and I quickly removed my arm.
I just want to be real, honest. and know myself…
M says don’t fight it.. that I just want to keep us apart.
Yeah that’s it.. my grand master scheme..
Must I kick him out.. and not see him.. kind of like that No contact thing?? That M claims he’s doing with KB.
Will that create the peace I’m looking for?
Or do I just say I have had a terrible few days as a incredibly hurt individual and we go back to trying to loving each other again?
But I meant it at the time and even now I think I could be okay removing him from the house..
But to be honest guys I would be incredibly lost. I don’t know how to do the stuff M does..
and the kids would pitch a fit.. I believe after a few days I would too..
But I’m still in a fit right now..
Oh I’m a mess people.. but not feeling self-condemning at all.
I’m enough crazy as I am..
Lunacy and all..
I meant that I didn’t want to be with him yesterday.. I don’t seem or feel so strongly about that now..
I would love to know how to maneuver this a bit better..
See you tomorrow