I saw him today and I wanted to hug him.

As I have just eaten a boat load of carbs and feeling quite massive, have not showered.

Baked a cake, homeschooled, done the whole upack 5 boxes, my oven was not broiling the way it should, so we ordered pizza.

Was not impressed a large 5 meat and large cheese pizza here totaled 64.59 plus $8 tip and it was not that good.. have to get my A game on and always have a back-up dinner planned.

I was pissy today so we ordered pizza.. not a fan neither is boy. so that’s settled.

As M was looking at my new Kitchen-Aid and I thought there was a problem with it, as he looked up pizza places.

I wanted to hug him.. ohhh you guyssssss..

Why!! for the love of Christ maybe that’s it it’s because the love of Christ or the mediocre lemon cake.. but I wanted to touch him to hug him, to hold him..

Why can I not stay away??

It’s strange and maddening.. I’m going to go take a shower, read some bible and chill out..

Good grief.

M thinks I’m weird because I accidentally touched him while I was on the phone with the pizza gal and I quickly removed my arm.

I just want to be real, honest. and know myself…

M says don’t fight it.. that I just want to keep us apart.

Yeah that’s it.. my grand master scheme..

Must I kick him out.. and not see him.. kind of like that No contact thing??  That M claims he’s doing with KB.

Will that create the peace I’m looking for?

Or do I just say I have had a terrible few days as a incredibly hurt individual and we go back to trying to loving each other again?

But I meant it at the time and even now I think I could be okay removing him from the house..

But to be honest guys I would be incredibly lost. I don’t know how to do the stuff M does..

and the kids would pitch a fit.. I believe after a few days I would too..

But I’m still in a fit right now..

Oh I’m a mess people.. but not feeling self-condemning at all.

I’m enough crazy as I am..

Lunacy and all..

I meant that I didn’t want to be with him yesterday.. I don’t seem or feel so strongly about that now..

I would love to know how to maneuver this a bit better..

See you tomorrow

❤ NH


4 thoughts on “I saw him today and I wanted to hug him.

  1. Have you considered creating some distance and letting him win you back? Let him find babysitting for the kids and take you out on a date, walk you to the door, maybe a goodnight hug or peck on the cheek before he sees you safely inside and then goes to his own place / friend’s couch.

    When you take a husband back after an affair, it’s difficult to navigate because you’re in a position where you have to trust him even though you really don’t. So maybe it would help to be able to push him away and let him earn his way back.

    Just a thought.

  2. I just take it day by day as I feel different day by day and hour by hour. Some days I want my husband gone and some days I’m glad he is here. It’s a crazy rollercoaster.

  3. Ur not crazy, ur a betrayed wife. Of course there are going to be days where u want nothing to do with him then other days where u naturally want him – hello – u were in love with this man for a very long time and because of being betrayed, out of hurt, you have had no choice but to reevaluate her whole life with him and distance yourself. Take a deep breath and brush ur shoulder off. You don’t have to make a decision today or tomorrow. Maybe mark on ur calendar good days and bad days, track it for a while, maybe then, it will be more clear to you, to stay or go .. Good luck.

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