Not sure this is limbo not sure I am kidding myself.

Why unpack all of his things because I think he needs to go anyway.

I just want to put my house together.

Get it to where I feel at home his crap in boxes in the family does not make me feel at home.

Tucking all of his crap in a room where he can go through it and I don’t have to look at it.

He had a box titled books.. I opened it thinking I could put up some books and it was more crap than books.

He packed his own room up before we left.

I don’t touch his things except clothes.

I open the box and it’s a bunch of what I think stupid things.he keeps.

All of our cards and letters we’ve written over the years.stupid..

Why keep those. I read the words I wrote to him over and narrated them over. I know it’s strange but say the card would say. I love you and so glad you are mine.. and I would say not anymore and throw the card back in the box.

I’m glad I threw away all of our cards from our wedding receptions

He is so sentimental over something he tromped over..

For example I made a scavenger hunt for him while the kids and I left to go spend time with his mistress for Jessie’s birthday.

He kept all the letters.. I almost started to get angry..

Then I thought he’s human. He still thinks we are to be together, even if he cheated on me does he not have feelings?  Does it make him sad I burned and got rid of the cards that were to celebrate the us that can no longer be?

The covenant he broke? I don’t understand how someone can deliberately choose against someone they love and feel sad about the relationship they chose to sever, they made every choice not to come clean?

Am I cruel?

How can someone have so much balls to enter such a union against his marriage then be sentimental of this marriage how is that possible?

It seems to keep those things almost means to mock me.. this marriage… to remember us as good or a loving time. The marriage you had such a problem with, could let me humiliate myself to his mistress, to him and he wants to keep momentos?

What in the fuck?

She emailed that to me too. That she will keep mementos of our friendship she will keep forever.

Yeah fuck you very much KB.. I hope those are gone.. I hope you burned every memory of me because besides pictures on my computer that I will get into soon.. There are no fond memories of you. Ever..

You are forgiven, but not wanted…

I find the same for M too.

He is forgiven but I don’t want him. I don’t want to continue any kind of intimate relationship with him.

He’s an outsider..

He didn’t sleep in our room last night.

Because I posed him what good does he bring into my life. I thought he was in my life to assist me in wanting to be a better person. He said he is. And I said not really I am left alone to do that with God.

M is a terrible lesson of a love lost.

I feel sad for M because I think he is just looked to be wanted either in healthy ways or unhealthy ways.

I think him feeling unwanted by me is such a last straw for him.

Sooner or later our children will unwant him and I’m not sure how he will do with that. Children just do that.. not forever they just won’t think the sun shines on him forever.

I hope for his sake he really believes in God and how God feels about him.

Because I called him on his life.

He believed he was following God’s will by staying with me and working on his marriage while being a complete slut bag.

He believes he is in God’s will and a changed man now.

He says I know I was wrong NH.

And I say you knew you were wrong before?!!

Good grief man spin your tales on someone else.

God is bigger than this mess of a man I married.. There’s more to my story than just M.

I’ve been thinking about starting a new blog.

And not even mention husband or M again.

You know to further my individual healing. There is no healing with M for me at this moment.

Well off to snack time for the babies and to mop my floor..

May try and take the test again.

I kind of hope I fail so I can learn how to be able to call upon God and not yearn for a friend so bad that I just want to cry.. Not to compare my life with what I had in KS, but to focus on what I have now.

I have healthy kids.

I am in a beautiful place, people dream of going.

God is not boring in any sense and my life is growing, striving, believing that I can be the mother, and woman God calls me to be..

Although I have this empty feeling that I can’t seem to shake..

Maybe it’s doubt about how to live without M, or doubt that I may regret keeping him at a distance..

I am getting rather weary of second guessing myself..


4 thoughts on “Not sure this is limbo not sure I am kidding myself.

  1. you know what they say…”gotta shit or get off the pot”.. j/k just trying to make you laugh. Hate reading that u are sad/mad still. I get it tho! XO

  2. I have been reading for a while, yet have never made a comment. I have been praying for you two to be able to work things out and become stronger.
    However, thank you for sharing certain aspects of your life with us strangers.
    To comment on this particular post. You raise questions I still ask myself (and ex) almost 4 years after he moved out and a year and half after the divorce was finalized.
    I filed, but I never wanted the divorce. I filed because he refused to stop seeing the ho-worker (OW) and had our son around her regularly. I filed because I was tired of being disrespected. At the court when finalizing the divorce, I went to ex and stated the fat lady has not sung yet…she’s about to walk on stage though. He then started to cry and walks out the courtroom. I have never understood why? This is what his words to me and actions said he wanted. He chose her over his family, why in the world would he be sorry that our marriage was ending. He got his wish. Nevertheless, it is just one of the many aspects of this new life (divorced, single mom) that was forced upon me that will never be answered.
    I pray you do well on your test. Just know I pray for you and your family. My family is no more. I know that pain. I do not know the pain of trying to make it work after an affair. I have faith in your guys. It is a hard road whatever path one takes after an affair. This I do know…

  3. My ex-husband actually wanted to keep mementos of his affairs. “They’re MY memories,” he said. Well, I asked him to destroy them. He wouldn’t. I did. He never forgave me for that. Oh, but you better believe it was my fault for not forgiving the affair initially as well. Even though he never apologized.

    To this day he tells people the implosion of our marriage is because I’m childish and bitter and angry.

  4. I am so sorry you are still so unsettled about everything & seem to be torn in so many different directions! I hope you can find a measure of peace in your new home! As always I send you love & hugs from your friend in Indiana, Joan

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