This was cute and free-falling..

This was sweet.

I would love to do this because well I’m Samoan, Filipino mix and my parents are gorgeous.. I mean no one guesses their age.. ever..

M is handsome but I don’t think he’s going to age well at all. You can tell. elasticity in his face is getting thinner and wrinklyer and all that jazz..

He doesn’t tan he gets red.

I know I am going to kill it when I’m older if I ever make it there.

But I also am learning about this marriage and myself. As M and I became intimate yet again and 2/4 of our kids are ill.. the boy and Squish oldest and youngest.

I feel like my mind is exploding with learning and figuring out the life that I want to be fully in on God’s will.

Because I know I wasn’t in God’s will in marrying M if I had been there would be no M and I.

Because he was a sad drunk self-absorbed, handsome, hot soldier..

I had a career, money, and had plans to do amazing things with my life.

I still am doing amazing things with my life just different paths.

I have been reading the peace maker by Kevin Sande and it’s been eye opening. I couldn’t read it in the beginning of all of this and it’s a great read for me.

In learning to be at peace and how to maneuver this complete brain warp in my thoughts.

I was just basking in C.S. Lewis quotes and thought instead of clinging to his words why once again am I doing what I don’t want to do.

I mean C.S. Lewis have enjoyed his writings but he is not God.

Anyways a few verses I am wanting to remember in dealing with M and to follow God’s will for my life.


Isaiah 55:8New Living Translation “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.

Luke 22:42New Living Translation “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

The quotes from C.S. Lewis that I will paint soon are

and this one

I am easily pleased with food, drink, sex, blogging, the like

Yes, I am human but I believe I am to be in this world not of it.

I find I am questioning so much of my own behavior and how I put my happiness in something I knew I would lose one day.

M aww.. hell to be honest I’m tired of calling him that his name is Charles.

Charles did that with two people and still came up on the losing end.

Not sure if he’s learned his lesson in humanity or even cares. I would like to ask him.

But I know I did that.

I put my happiness in a marriage that I thought was strong. In that friendship with KB as well.

I lived on faulty logic that if I was transparent enough, and strong enough the weak would not seek my company at all, nor would anyone have any reason to lie to me.

Being among a pair of cheaters so close to my heart I have to say it has not jaded me but given me a second chance to see where I put myself and my relationships in a box.

I also closed people out because I thought I knew them, turns out doesn’t seem like anyone really knows anyone.

Not in a pessimistic sad way. Just in a real way.

You never know what that person is thinking. You hope to God they are on your side, trustworthy, but they may not be then what?

But then you think what the fuck am I wasting my life being corralled by the way I see people?

All of a sudden a shift in focus instead of caring about the company I keep and focusing on being safe there.

The fact is no one is safe. People are rotten, dirty sinners.. I really want to say mother fuckers.. but trying to keep the cursing to a min.

I mean bets all off and we had a day of amnesty like that movie the Purge.. I’m telling you I love Jesus but if I was a betting gal I would not be praying for KB or Charles banking on that day..

I’m ugly too and I forget I don’t have to be.

That no one will fight for me like Jesus has already. No one.

And where do I put my happiness?

Sure isn’t with Charles

I mean it’s nice but once again.. if he died tomorrow.. well see ya when I see ya..

Which is strange once you figure out you misplaced your happiness with your spouse.

And then you want them to die and hope God takes them as quick as possible.

It’s a crazy shift in how I view day to day life with him.

So I have to rely on God to help me maneuver this better where I can stand firm if God took me today would I be able to be at peace with the love I gave out.

I have never free-fallen in anything purposely I fall quickly and run into things because I’m not paying attention.. but I  imagine this stage in my life that feeling would be it.

To just give in to what I believe. Let go of the emotions tied to this world in all the offenses and shady nonsense going on in front of me or behind my back.

I have identified that my desires are too weak.

Can I still glorify God being away from Charles. I bet I could.

Can I glorify God and still be in this marriage yes, I most definitely can.

What am I tying my happiness to?

What are you tying your happiness to?

Those are my thoughts for today..

❤ NH


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