M and I watched St. Vincent with Bill Murray..
I think he’s so funny anyway
My heart was happy Squish was in my arms and I wondered why? What is going on that I feel so full of heart?
Was it the Ben & Jerry’s, Haagen Daaz, Blueberry scone, or sweet coffee?
I didn’t finish the pints people I’m in recovery 🙂
I have been thinking about it and when I am busy.
When I am accomplishing, learning, growing, planning, attacking!! 🙂 I love that word probably shows alot about my character but I like to say I am attacking my laundry, this task..
Because then I do it and it’s FINISHED!!
Also I know there are somethings I have to be okay semi-attacking..
and I’m working on that because it never seems to get done.. like unpacking..
Anyways I was thinking and praying and wondering about my heart, my joy
I know joy comes from the Lord, and that M’s affair, KB those memories now are distractions for me to pursue the goal of bringing glory to Christ through my life..
To meet others and speak about my tragedies and say you know what God changed my life, did bad things and people still continue to haunt me.. oh fuck yeah I would like to say that I knew why.. that I was foolishly in love with M.. that KB had I not just believed her had I pried about her life more.. I would see what a complacent loser she was..
But all of those are hypotheticals..just hindsight and very short-sided ideas..
Work with what I have, what’s in my hand and courageously ROCK IT.
Unfaithful husband and all
I read many blogs about women who LOVE I mean good grief really love their husbands. They knew their husbands were worth it to forgive, to continue to love them, and they are just powerhouses and I have to say occasionally jealous at times of their committment.
Sort of like how I can be a bit envious of those who know what they are good at and they are committed follow throughers.. They love a subject so much they are immersed in that and are brillant.
I would love to be one of those people but I know I am not. I suck at following through.. it takes A LOT of effort for me to follow through so I have to choose my follow throughness.. carefully..
Back to the husband business this is difficult for me I know shocker don’t fall out of your chair, or spit out your coffee 😉
Because I’m not in love with M and really if he dropped dead or walked out I would be more sad about how to maintain a household from his perspective.
Yard work, household maintenance all the things that he does that I don’t do.
Than about missing our relationship.
That boat has sailed and really I don’t think I’m marital material anymore.. I know silly because I’m still married.. but I really don’t see the need for a relationship with my husband anymore to have a fulfilling life.
I am not condoing me boning people whenever this doesn’t work out anymore, but I don’t need a relationship to have sex with another man.
I feel like I tried this marriage thing and living life with a boy and well it didn’t work out and really I don’t need it too.
Besides the money part but the longer I stay with M the more confident I am or become in knowing I can make money and I willl be able to start a business, fail or succeed it won’t matter because I know how to dust me off, or accept success as welll.
But we’re still praying and I truly want to see God’s desires and figure out why God has placed it on my heart to stay and there have been so many strange situations that have compelled me to stay too. I will name them particularly in another post because I think that would be good for me to see.
M is very persistent lately about us together.
It’s strange because I would like to be a consistent person and say no matter what happens in my life I will stand firm and not compromise myself.
That has not happened over this past year.
I have compromised myself a-plenty
I don’t regret any of that either..
Would I do it again? Hell no..
We decided to attend my mother’s wedding and go to the family reunion going to be a boat load of money flying out the window this summer.. but it’s going to be a blast.. Disneyland with all four of my babies? We say YES!! and be with family. it’s what we want our kids to know and love. L.A. my summertime stomping grounds.. with my cousins..
NH you say? Why would you want to do all of that stuff with M when you don’t care about the relationship with M?
I don’t know really I know I like experiencing things with the kids and M. And Disneyland and L.A. with M just seems right.
I do love M.
I really don’t care if this marriage works or not.
I don’t really think any type of marital love can be restored, but I will leave that up to God.
I want to show my kids and meet others through my life and show Christ through me.
I want to show my faith in God and believe in HIS promises for my life by focusing on me.
I am learning what, when, where, and how I feel full in love and joy.
I have to continually die to self, so I am accountable for all my actions now..
Not that I wasn’t before I just didn’t care.
I do now..
Which is making see a bit of a parallel between M’s situation and mine..
What’s makes the difference now for me.. and really asking myself that there is nothing that will..
Time to be healthy and grow in my faith and relationship with Christ.
I have talked about God and my faith since the beginning of this blog and I am feeling a level-up in my faith awakening in me, a drive, it’s strange can’t explain it.. but in a way it has nothing to do with my marriage and everything to do with my marriage at the same time..
Looking forward to blogging more about my progress in this life.. not hating Charles, and learning to keep my heart full, because I feel so good you guys when it is..
I have so much to be thankful for even being in a marital relationship with an unfaithful spouse..
M is not the main character in this book called NH’s life.. somewhere along the way I forgot that M’s actions towards me are not main character’s either..
No matter what M does to me.. he’s just a supporting character and role in my life.
He’s not the main God and I am..
And this is MY story..