Peach Pie, pie pans, sluts, trying to fix, and scared..

Okay so I make some good pies anyways..

So filling, crust is done now where is my pie pan. .

Where the fuck is my pie pan!!!I had like 6 of them in Kansas!!!

And then Godzilla NH comes out and wants to throw things..

However I get my act together and use a cake pan..

I’m just resenting myself, this move, and trying to not make a pie when in rage..

Because food tastes so much better made with love ❤

Anyways as I’m done putting my pie together..

M was looking for the pan. He was in the garage, downstairs looking in boxes..

And I didn’t even know it..

And my heart.. this what M calls frozen heart melted for a moment and I hugged him, and thanked him because on his birthday the day of being treated to relaxation and having a day about you. He didn’t have to but he was fervently looking for my pie pan.

He also helped look for the lost goodbye party cards..

We found neither.. but love, unlove, M always was on top of easy tasks like that. Ones I can do like find my baking powder, things like that.

Small but big..

And in the things he knows he can’t fix with me he always withdrew until now

Love..

I recently followed KCRambles I thought I already had but the topic of choosing to love..

I choose to love M, but I’m not in love with him.

However, the love I felt for him is gone, just like that marriage where I married a shallow, disgusting coward.

He’s all changed now and all it took was for him to lose his integrity and humiliate me..

You know little things..

However after the pan I felt it. I felt just happy to be in his presence..

Also I’m going to try and stop calling KB and M sluts.

or even refer to a slut at all..

I would like me to try and steer clear or malice and sin in my words unless I’m processing if I’m just calling names and being a douche bag like KB and M were.

What is it two wrongs don’t make a right..

And being a name-caller isn’t where I want to go in life..

Because if I want to walk the walk well I feel it’s time..

Especially if I’m using slut completely out of context and it’s used so easily in my vocabulary like ‘Stop!”, or “No don’t touch that!” or “I am standing firm on my decision because I love (insert child’s name here) more”

Back to the love stuff..

I feel like a complete jerk because my short bursts of love for M entail him doing something for me and what kind of love is that??

But when he sacrifices his own comfort and time for me that shows love I suppose

When he offers me his coat, because I’m not a pansy and don’t need one but forget I’m not in my twenties anymore and I get cold..

When he tries to fix the smallest of my problems and it feels like old times and I’m not fucking pissed about that past..

Something inside me wants to venture to that area what part of my past with M makes me remember the good times?

Instead of regretting everything..

Crazy.. but doing so makes me scared.. even thinking one happy thought about our past pre-kids, kids, anything..

One thing I cannot stand is being cheated on, second to that is being scared.

I am terrified of being scared..

Because I am strong I am a survivor.. but when I get scared I just shut down, I get psycho angry and I am no service to humanity at all.

Does that even make sense..

I’m will share the good thought about our past later..

Guess I’m not ready and I need to clean my mess..

I’m not one of those clean as you go kind of people.. 🙂

NH

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One thought on “Peach Pie, pie pans, sluts, trying to fix, and scared..

  1. Small things are good things. I think that being scared is normal, because in the past having those feelings – we thought, “all is good”. If we go back to that, and it happens again, the fall would be even worse.

    I also think that no big move forward in life comes without being scared, at least a little bit. When I think about the things that just absolutely freaked me out – those were the ones that had the big payoff. Not just financially or whatever, but emotionally because I rose above my fear and moved forward. And in the end I was proud and strong and awesome. It’s ok to be appreciative and have good feelings when someone takes care of us, when they look for a pie pan. It’s kind of a big little thing. You aren’t excusing past actions, but simply appreciating the present ones.

    It’s progress. And even imperfect progress is an okay thing.

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