He had a good day but the evening I started running my mouth and well it went south quick..
I can’t remember what caused it..
But anyways.we both feel asleep.
I told him how scary it was to think of him in my future.
I also see how once again we are not on the same page.
M sees his life was pretty rocking before he ruined our relationship and I would rather fill my life with other things than find myself to be working on this marriage because I find it not worth my time.
But I feel it on occasion. I feel good, nice.. more than any occasion bang could bring.
Where I’m in love, glimpses moments..
The pie pan, this morning where I slept in and he climbs back in bed with me. I love to stay in bed ALL DAM DAY.. I do it’s lonely but I LOVE it and when he got back in bed with me it’s so nice because M hates to stay in bed.. he hates just hanging out in bed, but can hang out all day on couch.
I’m done trying to figure out the mysteries of that man.. but him getting back in bed was so nice.
And I felt it.. . but that the person I am holding is worth it.. that this is why I’m here because I can’t conjure that feeling up..
I can choose to love M, but I can’t force myself to fall in love with him.
To be passionate about him
Anyways so the thing that started me thinking about was the sacrifice of his time yesterday that spoke to me.
That feeling of I’m glad you are in my life
then I thought when has he done that for me in the past if that speaks love to me..
And I thought of when we got married and my pals spray glittered my truck.I was pissed and Charles after 24 hours of duty spends all morning cleaning my truck..
He didn’t have to do that.
He also didn’t have to have an affair either. Still thinking about it disgusts me.. so so ICKY!! I swear blogging doesn’t do my want to puke face and over exaggerated voice of the work ICKY!! at all..
I think of that time and smile because even though I married poorly and still regret marrying him at all. I don’t regret that moment that moment was sweet to me.
And I wonder do I want to keep feeling this way? To keep finding little love moments between us?
Because apparently they happen whether I want them to or not.. But I have a choice if I want to continue them.
Just like KB or Bob moments..
I swear I see men who look like Bob everywhere in Alaska which reminds me of him and makes me sad.. Sad that he has a sick wife and my sick husband caused him pain.. I make stronger strides in not letting that sadness consume me.
Hope you are doing well Bob
And Glasses I thought of you a van had a Broncos sticker and a decorative license plate.
I am scubbing my walls and putting tile up making this house my own..
Well off to get cleaned up and heading to the hardware store..
Till next time