I didn’t notice it until last night.
I am meh about M.
I have been doing all I need to do bible study, working on house, dinners, keeping an eye on budget, preparing for our trip, the kids are SOOOO excited for Disneyland, keeping the house up.
I want to add exercise and tracking food to that list too.
Last night M and I watched Here Comes the Boom! Funny movie!
He wanted me close I was for a little while, but really I didn’t care to be. I was having a nice time sitting on my own couch cushion.
Last night M thought we were going to have sex, I chose to talk I can’t even remember what I asked him. I know one question was “Were you enough for KB enough as in with me he’ll always say I didn’t make him feel good enough (puking sound whatever) ..
I keep forgetting we had discussed M does not like talking in bed. I thought we were going to have sex too. Didn’t happen since I opened my beautiful big mouth.
M asks if we should talk elsewhere. I told him no I’m tired.
I had a hard time sleeping then 2 girls came into bed with us.
Before those bed creepers came in I was thinking..
since I’m already cold on him I was thinking that I like to talk in bed. Who the fuck cares if he doesn’t. I enjoy it, he doesn’t.
If he doesn’t and I do well then suck it up buttercup! or there is the door.
And I thought what an awful way to be, or even to have to deal with.
Because I will go there in my mind everytime he pisses me off now.. well most times..
And I wonder is this the signal that this won’t ever work?
Because I don’t ever plan on compromising with him?
These thoughts are in my head.
I’m not sure what the cold has to do with anything I just don’t care if he’s there or not. I have alot of things going on and being with him is not a top priority. I did want him to go to the store with me on Tues. night and he came that was nice.
I suppose being with him isn’t even a priority I just don’t feel it.
I don’t need it as well. He does and I don’t think I’m withholding, because I would think withholding is something that you can give and you won’t.
Because I can’t give him a false me. I don’t hug if I don’t feel it’s necessary. If they ask for one I will give it. But M is not one to ask for attention, or for what he wants.
He knows vague.
It’s okay, I’m sorry, I’m cold, I don’t know, It’s alright..
And then I ask more because I used to care.
I don’t anymore. You cold? Do you want a blanket? That’s as far as I’m going.
Because I don’t have time to spend on his wants and needs when I need to focus on mine.
However that is so contrary to my beliefs in Christ that I’m wondering if the theory that I have been working on for me is amiss.
To think of others, to love thy neighbor, to lift up others.
And I felt I did all of those things with M and KB and ewwww.. grown adults acting like children I never imagined I would be friends with one let alone marry one!!
Anyways I’m rambling guess I will end with this..
The bible study asked me to write down what my ideal marriage would look like.
And I had this dream months ago. I was in a backyard, I had a cake in my hand we were celebrating a child’s birthday. I was slim, my husband was slim and tall. The kids seemed the happiest at that moment. He leaned over to kiss me on my cheek and I was lit. So happy I felt sparkles on my cheeks. And I remember thinking this is what marriage is supposed to be like. Peaceful, smiling, cake, and love ❤
The guy I was married to I don’t remember his face, but it couldn’t have been M because he was tall. And so when I told M this story he said well if he didn’t have a face it was probably Jesus! 🙂
LOL.. Anyways after writing that all down and smiling just thinking about my ideal marriage.
The book goes to say that’s great but God can do better than that..
And as my faith has grown, I still struggle with God in my love life, that marriage with M is just doomed and I would be happier without him.
I struggle with thinking God can do better than what I think.
Well off to scrub wall paper off and warm up the kids waffles :).
Here’s to the day