I look at my sweet children and I am guilty of discouraging them, turning my back on them to subside my own pain.
I am teaching them independence, character, and hopefully how much they are loved.
I would still love my son and daughters if they were to choose sin in lust rather than to nurture their own marriage.
I have also taught them contempt, harsh reactions, yelling above any type of reason.
I love them beyond measure and I am so blessed to get them everyday no matter what I chose to do.
No one has said oh you yell too much you were too harsh with them and said I am I unfit to love them anymore.
But I notice that is how I react to M as if he’s unfit for me.
And he doesn’t get another chance to be my husband he completely blew our marriage out the water and I think I will forever see him as a shared husband, an unfaithful icky type.
The Bible study said for every negative thing I can think about M I can think something positive too.
So he’s a great Dad, wonderful musician, makes an amazing cup of coffee
I liked that notion rather than never going back there or burning all the ugliness I think about M and those thoughts never to return because they always return.
When I see friends with friends on FB or people talking about their best friend I think of her I don’t mean to but I do.
When I see memes or photos or cards about friendship when my girls talk about their friends or mention Jessie I think of her.
I don’t think they will ever forget them like I hope. I know boy won’t he just buried it all deep inside.
But even thinking about my children and how M affected them it makes me M-A-D
So those thoughts of M return with the fury and I don’t think that naming positive things about him quells the rage but makes me pause to be realistic that M is human and is not a Disney villain with only a dark side meant to cause harm to me and offspring.
I napped today and dreamed I made M cry. I did it on purpose not the purpose like being mean and calling him names or throwing him out but I knew my words of truth were going to hurt him and I didn’t care.
Maybe that is mean after all
Anyways back to M I wonder if he feels that way that there is no coming back from this and he doesn’t get another chance.
I would hate to not get another chance with my kids knowing I completely blow it ALOT..
Not that I am thinking about giving M another chance or anything just what’s on my mind😊
Til next time