Long day and the sadness

The boy has refused to do his work today and it’s been a time to get him to do his work.

So it’s been a long day…

M invited me for coffee today. We talk about kids.

I meet an elderly woman and help her across the street she tells me her problems and I am glad I took the Holy Spirit’s prodding to see if she needed anything more. Her husband was dying and she misses someone to talk too.

It was a strange story but I made an elderly woman smile and laugh. She said she was grateful to be able to talk to someone new. She said I looked new because she’s never seen me before. 🙂

Yup super new..

Anyways lately I’ve been coming across a few male goodness should I say cheater blogs? I mean they say they are not cheating anymore so what do I call them? I know I would have called them cheater blogs and not thought twice about it about 13 months ago.

But knowing the pain, the struggle of everything after an affair and the struggle to even stay together, to hang on to the slowly faint heartbeat of once was a love full one-sided marriage. It’s strange. M always corrects me when I call him a cheater..

He says he cheated.. Big difference and back in the day I would say “Fuck You” now well those words really aren’t so strong and he says he isn’t cheating anymore. So what is one to be called? Does one need to be called anything except their name or alias??

Well anyways I came upon their blogs and sadness creeps in. This whole year I’ve been really able to tune into my sadness. Look into deep dark parts of me and still wonder how I did not stab his ass, and go straight up to her house that first phone call and if Bob would have permitted fucked her up.

But time has passed.. older and not as dumb would be more like it. So it’s strange like I said seeing M. Seeing the sadness in his eyes. I see it more often. The more I smile. The more I recover, I can see guilt, I can see regret, I see sadness..

I read of men wanting take the pain they caused to their wives away. M has said this as well.

But and this will prove not all betrayed are sweet and kind wives because I don’t want to take M’s pain and sadness away.

He caused it he can figure it out. I know I’m a jerk.

But I see him sad and I don’t feel the least bit empathetic which makes me know why he needed a coward like KB, such a weak and fraudulent woman.

I pity him. I mean it’s like the super fit and Jillian Michaels who watches me pack away a dozen donuts and I feel sick afterwards..

She looks at me puzzled and with little empathy or sympathy.

I question why I don’t care if he’s sad about his choices. If he’s sad at all. I suppose I’m just from a bitch school, called you dug your hole you figure your way out. I’ll throw a rope, some water, do what I can. But I’m not spending all dam day trying to pull your ass out..

Not my style to those who purposely hurt others and I don’t care if you didn’t think about who you were hurting, or because you were so sick in the head.

Once again not my problem. You still want to be sick you know where the door is, because I have a life to lead and if you are not going to be this ship and man the deck, your ass can walk the plank and find another ship.

Which I find so cold and I wonder NH why are you so cold?

Have you always been this way?

Or does this after affair thing solidify how I view people in my life even more? Especially M.

My Bible Study will hit on Children and Divorce next.. I’m not looking forward to it..

I’m having a hard time right now thinking about M being in my life.

We are doing well fixing up the house. Being with our kids.

Gosh I love them the kids.

M.. I don’t know the cold seems to be hitting new levels. We did have sex that was nice, but sometimes I wonder if M knows how I feel about him. I’m like a kitten and he’s my toy to play with sexually when I need it.

I find the way I relate to him sad and what does that say about me?

Still hurt? Maybe

always been this way? Possibly..

Time for ice cream..

and to read some books.

Not sure if I’m happy or sad.. just tired lately..



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