But we aren’t the same either.
Sometimes when I blog about staying for the kids. I get it. My kids can feel, they know I hate their Dad. Things are not the same in their household.
But we play we have a good laugh as a family. We do family stuff. The kids see us working together on the house.
I’m working on protecting them from my madness, from the outbursts that are quietly in conversation around our children.
I am accountable for that. Usually about affair, never “You’re so FUCKING stupid”
But I’m sure the boy heard that too back awhile.
I talked to M again about the hate. He said “I know you do I can feel it you tell me you don’t and I don’t believe you”
Well I swear I don’t want to. I just can feel it sometimes. The seething.. the want to punch M in the heart, not the throat the heart and watch him suffocate.. Yeah I know I’m dark.. Nothing at all what Phil. 4:8 mentions.. Which I did not write down because I was too busy.. just like not working out.. Ugh.. my time management kills me sometimes thought management as well.
So we talked about the hate, together. I’m not going to try and pretend and I really need to face this hate with him rather than hopes or thought it went away. Because it always seem to surface. Never in big rages anymore.. it’s more quiet like an assassin
Which is to me scarier.
But he’s working on dealing with that instead of avoiding me and I wonder if it’s a tit-for-tat situation.
He has to deal with my hate, and I have to deal with his affair.
The affair never goes away, neither my hate.
Not right now anyway.
And I’m not maliciously wanting a tit-for-tat kind of thing..
But it does make me at peace a bit.
Knowing both of us have a common ground in knowing their is a bit of us that never goes away that we don’t like and want no part of. Not like snoring, smelly farts, table manners, dirty floors..
He will never understand my hate for him to the depths no way. He has a hard time with this. My hate for him, how sometimes I daydream my existence without him ever in my life as if I never met him.
I will never understand the cowardice of an affair and leaving me out of his life decisions thinking I will be alright if I don’t know.
Just fucking tell me man.. hiding from me will never work again.. I know..
I can tell..
The blinders are off.. No longer masked by love or faithfulness.