A couple asked us to go out with their kid and our family to the beach! Sure but afterwards going home seemed awkward with M.
Nothing on M’s part he went after the children and we barely engaged I was more engaged with the others. I still adore meeting new people.
but good grief some things I said were reminiscent of days that are long gone. I was talking to them about boundaries my friends in Kansas, how I feel about inviting people to church.
Because wht the fuck do I need to set boundaries for if for any reason a grown adult will back stab you for any reason why waste my breathe like that.
its rather unfortunate this couple was my guinea pig which I didn’t know they were that until now.
because as M and I play house I have a hard time growing or getting to know people under this false lense. Like in KS many thought M and I were pretty tight and an awesome couple. Sure we he problems but no one thought I would be married to a cowardly bitch. Shocker to me too.
I dont want want people to see us as a happy couple with 4 kids when we are Anything but and M says who cares what people think? And I agree but when you share your life and invest time in others I don’t want to be fake.
I started to really question how I want to pursue friendships here and what I want.
i make my bed knowing how I feel if I never saw M again my life would go on and be just fine. I would not yearn for M’s company because he is not worth my time.
yet he is still here hoping we can reconcile.
i really just am comfortable I don’t want to get a job right now and enjoy being home with the kids. training them teaching them.
today I hate him, I am angry, and it’s better now I believe to stop talking to him. Write my feelings here and in my journal. I have been talking to him for a year now and see so little progress if any in my relationship with him.
Also I am pissed about the forgiveness chapter in my BibleStudy because it all made sense.
i will not feel likemforgiving if I wait to feel like it, I maybe waiting forever.
I have to rely on God to forgive M because there is no way around it for me.
i forgive him..
i forgive Charles and Kendra
i still hate them both so much I do..
i can’t say those things without feeling wrong in my heart except for the hate part
which is sad
I know it is..
but for the willingness to be free of even caring or loving them?
to set me free from this terrible living nightmare looking at M with his remorse and guilt also the guilt I feel as a wife who hates their partner and has prayed that God just took him. Took him either to heaven or relocated him where we never saw him again.
and did I ever really love my husband? Was this all some sort of romanticising thing I was doing? About my marriage before because I am pretty quick to wish God just struck him and he wasn’t around. His presence means so little to me now but it means so much in such a domesticated way. I train the kids and look at their hearts he goes to work fixes house.
Pugh iPad is dying I may be gone for a bit guys..to recharge, retreat, something..