Freedom.. A little bit anyway

I am almost finished reading

“When Sorry Isn’t Enough” By Gary Chapman and someone else.

Good book

And it’s left me feeling well..

Also another blogger of mine recently moved her husband out and I think even though she has a job/career. And it pains her deeply she will no longer be second.

While M has put me second in many places I can see that he wants to change it’s just not enough.. Yup story of M’s life with NH..

But whatever..

Anyways the book gave me some great insight I’ll post it later since the book is downstairs.

I want openness. I want to know what, when, and where my husband is and what he’s thinking.

I don’t want to have to look in emails. I don’t really care. I did look and found he had saved most emails that I sent him since this past year.

I should probably delete them.

Anyways I did get all in a crazy moment for a minute but Squish wanted time and well what am I living for. To be all pissed off at M?

To just get through life in this lackluster marriage?

We had sex last night and I pleased him but I just rolled over and went to sleep. No cuddling because I don’t care. Not in a bad way. I’m just like whatever.

He knows what I’m going to say already. He hasn’t done the work in my eyes. He’s done nothing but just be here from throwing lawn furniture in the beginning at him, to my suicidal days, to be praying he dies, to now this..

Not indifference, but I can verbalize what I want from him. Doesn’t mean I want to stay married to him, but that’s his choice if he stays or not.

If he can’t provide what I want and need in a relationship then BYE FELICIA! Right?

Isn’t that what he’s been asking all along?

The book helped me alot. I would def. recommend it.

Also guys I am choosing to forgive Charles.

Yeah I know.. but in my bible study said if I wait to feel like it, I could be waiting forever.

I also don’t have to wait to live life until I heal (another thing in the book)

I choose to forgive Charles.

It has been difficult because I still want to call him a sketchy, shady, loser, douche bag..

But forgiving him doesn’t mean anything from what my Bible study, the Bible, or my book have shown me what I thought.

Forgiving him doesn’t mean I won’t want to call him names, or that I won’t feel hurt anymore.

Forgiving him what God says humbles myself before the Lord and sees what God has forgiven me from and how I can rely on God’s mercy to forgive Charles.

Because God will handle Charles for me.

What’s up to me is living my life with great purpose and I hate the word intentionally but I’ll use it.

Also I want to be free. I want to be free of the hurt, the hate, hatred, and wasting my life feeling sad, or that I’m stuck.

Because I’m not. I’m not stuck. I’m not drowning. The chains Charles put around my neck were his to carry, but being married to him I got weighed down with him. I choose to be weighed down with them now and I also choose to let them go..

I want to choose that. It’s not easy, but the more I practice that this is not mine. Kendra is not my problem and never was, The triggers I made them my problem. I chose to be sad and stay in sadness.

Not condemning myself. I thought hating him and being truthful to myself and to the facts would get me out of this mess.

I want to forgive Charles for me, not for him. For MY legacy. Not this marriage or relationship. That’s dust..
Charles and I care for each other and somewhere deep there is love, but it’s nothing I want right now.

That doesn’t show me love, or create a loving environment for me.

Complete openness will.

Which I do know years from now maybe that is what I want so I will be treading lightly with my words with Charles.

There’s a talk going down tonight. I’m curious how it will go, but not afraid of any outcome, because I know God will work it for His Glory and I’m fine either way.

I’ve been battling many triggers lately especially when I opened Shutterfly and there was a birthday card I had made for her.

Which I deleted and moved on. It hurt, I was angry, but I choose not to let my emotions CONTROL and DIRECT me into a life I no longer want to live.

I still do not believe Charles is the man I’m going to grow old with.

I still believe God wants my family together.

What do I do in the meantime. I walk with dignity and integrity with God to maneuver this matter and

wait.

time.. the word so many of you gave me to hold off.

Don’t kill yourself NH

The feelings lessen with time..

and now I don’t feel so threatened by the mention of time.

Nor do I dread it and wonder when will this go away..

Because I tell the trigger when to stop now.

I think of Charles and Kendra together and I get mad as all get out. but then I have a process..

I get CRAY in my head.

Then I say I choose to forgive Charles for myself, for my legacy

Then I breathe and say this does not control me there is so much better use of my time than be sad over Charles’s choices against me.

Because what can I do right now to make me laugh and enjoy the breathes I have left?

Funny thing boy asked me as he was making Charles a father’s day card..

The question was Dad laughs when I______.

And boy said Dad doesn’t laugh very much only like once a day..

And I said yeah your Dad doesn’t laugh much, not like us! Maybe we can get him to laugh more 🙂

And we both laughed and I wasn’t trying to put M down it’s just that he doesn’t enjoy life like we do.

He chooses stupidness to be in his own head and that’s on him..to have an affair.. to just be dumb..

I know I choose to be dumb too..

But I can also choose to forgive and let this go.

It’s not easy but God promises me He will be faithful if I keep his word.

And I’ve seen fruit already of that.

for me

The freedom where I don’t have to be tied down by Charles’s choices, or hurtful behavior.

or question myself on what the hell is wrong with me for being in love with such a man as M? or when will the hurt stop..

The hurt never stops it seems..

What stops is me letting the hurt keep me from living MY life to the fullest..

I’m responsible for that… no one else..

NH

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