The Big R word Reconciliationkkk

So here I am at week 5 in my Bible Study…

Oh Reconciliation.. I remember speaking of it many times what feels like years ago but is really months..

I’m going to start the monthly fun week or weeks depending on whatever my body decides to do so maybe that’s why I’m so easily pissed off.

Good news I’m not losing my cool.

Father’s Day was strange I was irritated really couldn’t place why and the best thing is I didn’t want to talk about it.

M knew something was up.. but he didn’t push and I didn’t care what he did.

He’s been having stomach troubles lately and I’ve been joking if it’s a tumor? cancer? and just kind of helping him track his symptoms. He says “I could only wish”

It’s horrible our humor is a bit dark, it always has been. Only now I think we both speak 1/2 truths in it.

I recently was watching Transcendence with M and saw Johnny Depp on his death bed wife was broke up about it..

And I looked over at M watching and I thought that wouldn’t be me..

I’m sure someone from his family would take over if he ever became deathly ill? Why would he want me by his side anyway?

I wouldn’t want him by my side..

I would want my pals, the people I enjoy spending time with who would come up and see me die.. or Facetime me since I live so FUCKING far from those I dearly love right now..

I know from my words it would seem I’m somewhat depressed or sad.. but I think I’m stabilizing.. at least I hope I am..

The memories don’t get me like they used to. When I think of friendships, or blonde and brunette friend Meme’s on Pinterest. I just think of all the wonderful friendships out there that deserve those. That blonde I thought was my friend was anything but.

M asked today if I needed anything I told him no.

I asked if he needed anything.. He said my wife.

I’m like you have one.

He’s like uhhh.. okay if you say so..

More feelings and thoughts are coming up about why I hate and rage so much with him..

Why I never ever want to reconcile with him..

Why I think he’s so amazingly disgusting..

Yet I will still bang him like nobody’s business.. sex is so good seriously people it’s always been good to me anyway with M.

I love it when I make him cum and he say’s that was so good.. you are the best..

and I say yeah I’m sure you say that to all the girls, because I’m sure she was pretty spectacular in the sack.

And it’s great to hear him say with sadness that she really wasn’t and sex with her was so unfulfilling..

Yes.. I know he’s a big fat liar.. but I mean after a year and all the truth that comes out of my mouth.

I would like to think I buy that story.

Anyways I do like hearing him say it. More than I’m sorry..

I wonder why..

Anyways so yesterday I didn’t lose my cool or stress that i got him nothing just had the kids make him cards.

So that’s what he got.

I don’t know if I’m healing guys.. but I’m starting to see why I am harboring so much resentment against M.

Not just for fucking Kendra.

What a bad decision that was for everyone associated with Charles and her.

Father’s Day was hard to recognize him because what a jerk of a father my kids had.

He let Kendra watch our kids, play with our kids, hurt our kids friendships just ripped those.

Well he’s sorry now..

Sometimes I wonder if I failed him as much as he’s failed me would I have tried to reconcile?

Probably not…

He would have welcomed me back

He’s strange..

Anyways happy Monday.. the kids are hungry and baked chicken, potatoes, gravy, and corn with mixed veggies of lima beans, cauliflower, and carrots..

Super delish..

I suppose no matter what is going on in my life I can still say my family ate well. .

Funny sweater I saw on Pinterest yesterday was

I bake because punching people is not allowed..

So immature, yet so funny..

I wonder if that’s God says that about me..

Till next time

❤

NH

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