The morning..

He leaves with disappointment.

Breakfast made, lunch packed and yet disappointed..

I don’t want any hugs from him, I don’t even want to kiss him.

He says for me to have a nice day.. I tell him the same..

And I want to delve into it more and be sad about it.

Sad that he’s sad, sad that this relationship that I have with him is nothing I ever wanted in a relationship in a man.

But just like wanting to check Bob’s FB page I don’t because I have better uses of my time.

Not that I don’t care how you are doing Bob.. just it’s more like I want to know what she’s doing for some odd reason and she means nothing to me. So what in the world do I need to look her up for??

It’s stupid.

Because I know better.. I’ve realized some of the things I do that I think are perfectly acceptable and why not? Are no good for me.

Just like hugging M when I don’t want too.

Or even talking to him. Acceptable yes.. good for me??.. Debatable..

I look at him and think mostly negative things..

I look at our history and think mostly negative things..

So it’s best just not to avoid it.. but to give this time and space distance whatever..

Because all negative things are not true..

I know this yet I’m not quite comfortable seeing good things except my babies.

And planning, planning about my days.

I want to say future but I’m not one of those long-term goal people..

knowing that instead of looking at him for anything.

instead of finding anything positive about M, this marriage..

I look to God and to me.

Fuck my history, fuck my future, even my present..

Because all of this is dust.. seriously could lose my kids, house, parents, family, friends.. and what do I have God and me..

That’s it.. I know a bit extreme.. but it’s true..

I’m not even focusing on how to make this marriage work, liking M, or even looking at M.

And life’s too short.

To only focus on kids, husband, family, home, temporary things.. I love them to pieces even M to a point.. but I must focus on what is going on with me.

What makes me tick and enjoy life?

I’m learning about myself, even my food addiction, horrible budgeting, and the like.

Not that I’m condemning myself… I just am learning and growing within me

M never likes feeling like an outsider with me..

But that is what he is..

I told him I wanted open-ness with EVERYTHING..

And he gave me like 1 day I think..

It’s easy to say foolish prick

However he’s accountable to God for his behavior. He is no concern of mine, if I ask for something and he does not give it then what do I do?

Whine, moan, complain?

Hell NO!!..

Get out there and get mine!! If I want open-ness from M and he’s unwilling to give it to me, or too immature to even try..

I feel the same about reconciliation so there’s that..

But I must stand firm and strong in what the Holy Spirit is guiding me towards.

and buy detergent I absolutely stock up on sales here and well I thought I had more detergent.. darn it..

When I look to God’s will for my life and what I feel I’m missing or sad about I learn about myself.

That’s all I need to do..

Turns out there’s a big class on NH I’ve missed out on..

Time to open my own books..

NH

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2 thoughts on “The morning..

  1. 😦 I come here almost daily looking for that bright, hopeful NH… after year if all your hope, and love are gone – why bother still? What is the last “not hate your husband project” you did besides just living with him?

  2. IHAA I don’t know if all hope and love is gone about anything.

    I have other things to hope for than being with M, or even caring. I could leave most definitely but I do not want too.

    I also do not want to hate M.
    I want to forgive him to set me free.
    I do not want to hate him because it’s not what I need to focus on your bother with..

    I somehow thought in my early stages that not hating him would bring my marriage back, would bring back the feelings I can count on my hand the numerous times I’ve felt close to him after all of this.

    My hope is in Christ to heal my heart and my false theories I carry around about my life, others, and how I see things..

    To be a blessing to others even M.

    I don’t know if that means staying married to him the rest of my life.. but I’m okay with that.. I know my kids won’t be.

    The positive girl is still here IHAA just in a different way.. there’s no need to save a marriage right now.. I must get myself together and stabilize me. Look at what makes me find happiness here on earth and how I love myself and learn.

    Which makes me feel great learning about me sounds cliche I know.. But I never want to be like M so foolish and sad that I cannot see my own lies.. but be guided by the Lord quietly listen as to why I’m doing what I’m doing..

    Even small things like laundry, dishes, or becoming angry when my house is a mess.. Why?? What am I living for?

    LOL!! Hope that I made sense..

    NH

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