The night..

Here it’s strange the night comes so late and the sun rises so early..

I think it’s a godsend because I really do need to get the kids on a schedule and tire their little behinds out because our nights seem so short.

I really need them in bed by 8..

The boy at least 9:30

Anyways it’s difficult when the sun is shining and there is fun to be had.. and by meaning fun like dorking off on my porch visiting with our son. Talking about how we treat each other…

Me looking at the forest..

I’m cleaning up the house.. it’s quiet..

Except for the cannery house in the back.. tons of new people back there and they are nosy as all get out..

Normally I would call the cops..

But lately I feel like this is my chance to show grace, and peace.. Because the assholes who feel the need to be so dam loud.. Probably aren’t really malicious assholes.. I mean I know what that’s like..

Sometimes I am a malicious asshole..

Not sure what God is calling me to do with the problem behind my house..

But calling the cops on them doesn’t seem okay in this case..

Maybe the cold heart is softening.. or maybe I’m learning that I have a insanely bigger purpose in walking with how I believe.. and I’m okay with that..

M and I haven’t really kissed, or hugged, or touched.

He has pushed himself against me while I was on the couch..

I’m okay with that.. He isn’t.. I just want distance which I know has nothing to do with reconciliation.. and I need time to think..

They said in the bible study that distance doesn’t help the relationship and space does because it’s just a time out and plans to come back to the spouse are involved.

Or it’s vice versa with the words distance and space..

but it doesn’t matter.. I don’t have any plans to join him, to be a part of this marriage and for awhile I felt guilty, also at times mad..

Because either I or him were not doing this thing (whatever that is correctly) and he wasn’t working hard enough and I wasn’t understanding, or I’m just a jerk (my own words to myself) and this just isn’t going to work out.

But I’m not feeling any of that pressure anymore.

Suppose the bible study helped me with that.

I have to be the best person I can be and while I don’t think M is working like he should for us.. His actions are irrelevant to how I’m acting.

Because he apologized, he’s repentant and it’s up to me on how I act towards him.

I’m responsible for that.

The anger, rage, and hate.. All me.. I don’t blame him for it one bit. I choose many of those emotions now and I also am choosing not to be in those emotions as well.

I have so many other great things to do with my time.

Funny how Insist on Honesty mentioned duolingo because I just found that not too long ago and I’m thinking I want to learn French instead of Spanish.

Also how Kat is working on painting succulents..

I love that word… succulent.. it’s so pretty..

Anyways I was thinking about planting them.. here and having some sort of succulent garden of some sort..

and then I saw Kat’s post and I’m like once again I love this space!!!

I need a shower and to get my happy but to bed.

I’m reading about making beach glass and rock jewelry so I can sell them to tourists.

It’s funny so many tourists come here and the beauty of this place is pretty amazing.. However… big however most of the trinkets and crap they sell here is from the great country of China..

and the real deal artists here want like a million dollars for their art and they are entitled to that but geesh I know if I got off a cruise with my family to check out the scene I’m not spending 100-200 dollars on jewelry or art here.

I sure wouldn’t be purusing the 99 cent cruise bargain store either except for maybe cheap bottled water..

Anyways more on that to come..

I also am wanting to start a vlog about D-day and my story of it all. You know sometimes it’s hard to just get out of bed after you find out your spouse is a slutbag that can’t be honest about your relationship.

I mean geesh you think you know somebody when you marry them not to stab you in the back.. turns out it happens so much more than I ever knew and the resources seem to still blow even in the 21st century..

I also think I’m going to have to start a new blog..

Because so many of my pals and things seem to think they need to blog too and well. I’m not sure I want anonymity to give all that up yet, or ever..

Here’s to Tuesday everyone..

NH

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2 thoughts on “The night..

  1. I’m sorry I didn’t warn you – people’s daytime activities tend to last as long as there’d daylight in the summer. Which can get pretty late if you’re not used to it. I remember in Fairbanks being the ONE MOM whose kids were in bed by 10:30 pm. It seemed that all night long the neighborhood was filled with the happy shrieks of small children – I loved it! But at the same time it was difficult to explain to my kids why THEY had to go to bed.

    Sounds like you are continuing to process everything – hope all is well.

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