The messed up little NH..

Yeah lately I’ve been thinking..

I married my mother..

Ugh.. if that isn’t heartbreaking..

No M is not a woman.. but it’s strange

I mean my mother was awful.. mean-spirited I mean she’s better now.. but back then wow.. I think she took the movie Mommy dearest and jotted down notes and put her own spin on it.

Anyways it’s strange viewing me.

Seeing not flaws but what I perceive love to be and how honestly.. I’ve always been the aggressor when it comes to romanticizing a man..

when you have a Mom like I did and was raised by a great Dad. Well I kind of had things twisted.

And when I married someone who couldn’t reciprocate my thoughtfulness and love.

Someone who just takes to give such trinkets back..

and then add little ingrate sinners always at my ankles..

Good grief I should have had my own dam affair and you know I kind of did with myself (not talking about masturbating)

I also played out the dysfunction circle even if I thought I got away from it.

I married a man like my mother.

Sketchy, manipulative, dark, discontent, sad person.

Looking out for themselves.

Was M doing this 100% like my mother hell no.. least I don’t think so.. but love can be quite the blinding thing. And the more I realize that.

I try not to blame myself.

Because I am a product of my own environment. Many men pursued me and I didn’t like that feeling. I don’t know how to be loved, or accept love.

I know how to work, I know to be honest, authentic, and kind..

but to accept love, flowers, romantics in the beginning of a relationship was strange to me.

I thought that came after you were married for awhile.. I liked a man I could shower affection on and a man who took things slow. He would shower affection on me later, but later never came..

You know when you really got to know someone.

So I married a quiet man one who I thought was confident and secure in himself. But he wasn’t.

Ugh.. I hate knowing  I married a wimp..

I thought I married a man with a core.. not that our love would triumph all but an honest man.

Gosh crap I’m going off topic what all of this meant to say is.

I married a version of my mother.

For some one who cannot stand rejection he certainly dealt it to me a ton.

And I took it like a little girl starved for her Mom to love her.

As if love needed work..

But isn’t that what so many of us say we both have to do the work love doesn’t come easy?

In a strange place today..

Seeing my life.. understanding where I came from and what I accepted and why..

I thought I got out you know? Of the bullshit life my Mom handed to me. I thought I escaped her stupid clutches and the dumbed down life of my siblings thoughts..

But I didn’t..

Here she is staring at me in husband form..

It’s disheartening..

But at the same time I am wanting to learn how not to make the same mistake again and that starts with me and my faith in Christ.

It’s starting to be shaken right now and I can’t let it..

And in Bible Study today it had an agreement to not hold the wrongs in this marriage to M anymore and to take it up between me and God..

I don’t feel in my heart to do that.

To figure out how I settled or fell for such a man like M even with a sad heart I look forward how to not make that mistake again.

And no I’m not looking for perfection.. but what I am looking for is why I accepted such lackluster love.

Why when I knew he wasn’t the man for me?

It’s like self-sabotage but different if that makes any sense.

When I was working on my marriage and taking to heart all the resources given to me while my husband was backstabbing me. I thanked God so many times for this man and it pains me and I’m sure God was just as broken hearted to know what kind of man I was holding..

We had sex a few days ago and I must have slept wrong because my shoulder has been killing me ever since.

I need to clear my head.

and I think M makes it foggy as all get out..

My first instinct is to tell him to get the fuck out!! To get his stuff and find I don’t know where the hell he would go..

But my second not that I want to reconcile with him.. but I want to be at peace with him and protect our kids.. maybe I will take a walk to my favorite coffee shop in town 3.5 miles and walk back.

I’m barely making it with the kids and Squish wants so much attention and I do not want to give it to her.. because I think I’m getting depressed..

So I need to take care of Mommy, NH, Me..

Kicking NH out has not worked out well for me, and my first instincts I have found are the most destructive as well.

Somedays I feel as if I’ve made no progress at all in my life.

I want to be a doer you know?

A woman who can roll with the punches..

M knows I can live without him and I don’t need him except for a paycheck, but even then I  could find my way if I needed to.

I don’t want to be a woman of circumstance. Where my circumstances direct my life. They made me work hard to get out of where I was.

You know you guys when I realized how much of a sinner I was to M when I thought he was being faithful. I was so sad.. It made me question why would he love me? He’s so awesome and here I am..

It hurt to see how I treated M as I learned about marriage, love, and what M needs..

And as I was working on all of the numerous flaws and disrespect I gave to M. Asking for forgiveness, apologizing for unmet needs..

Oh goodness he was having all of his needs met what the hell did he need me for?

Ugh.. back to ranting and raving.. Going to take a shower and try some stretches I found on Pinterest..

Finding myself is not as easy as I thought.. not at all.. especially when I thought I knew myself well.

I am grateful and thankful that I have the time to do it and that my children are safe, fed, and warm..