Every Little Step I take..

I read this book called

“Staying Together After and Affair Pulls You Apart”

It was a great read.

Pretty cut and dry with formulas.. but

It was good for me.

One of our blogger friends posted about how the OW her ex-best friend the memory of her is loud even though she’s no longer in the picture.

I feel the same way. Many times M and I came to her rescue we sucked her basement dry with a shopvac when it was flooding, we came and caught a snake in her house for her.

Whenever I see stupid pig nick-nacks my mind thinks of her, or even watching Frozen, or just random things I talked to her about like food and recipes..

It’s nice to read I’m not the only one that no matter how much I wish to put her memory to rest it haunts me and I blame him.. so much..

I blame me too.

I fell for him.

So what do I do with that?

I’m a sick bastard for falling for a sick bastard..

Awww.. dammit.. self-condemnation never works out for anyone for very long..

So I use the self-condemnation for change. To change me and well.. I’m doing a poor job at it.. because instead of wanting to kill myself I have bouts of throwing his ass out whenever it suits me..

The Queen of Hearts “OFF WITH HIS FUCKING HEAD!!!”

Whether he does anything wrong presently or not..

Well am I not just shooting myself in the foot with unhappiness as well?

I mean that chic even for a cartoon character looked terribly miserable..

Anyways the book was good it was very passionate less and did not evoke feelings of hate or lovey doveyness..

It was straight-forward cut to the chase business have you will..

However I answer my own questions because in his book..

To be in an affair and someone who does not want to leave their spouse..

The affair is broken-ness and the reconciliation with spouse is whole-ness..

but whole-ness being adjusted coupledom able to talk and establish the marital balance of where communication and secrets are shared between the marital party.

No longer is the spouse on the outside.

The AP is on the outside.. Where they fucking belong if you ask me.. (yeah I’m kind of pissy tonight)

But there is no passion and the Dr. notices that and addresses that.

Once the values of each other are certain, and there is time spent together building individually and cohesively love is soon to follow.

He even went as far to use arranged marriages who chose to fall in love.

That the love will follow..

His timeline for couples getting off the mountain of douche-bag spousery?? 3 months.. but in reality 5 years for the full effects to see change..

He also mentions that had my spouse who is stupid as all get out stuck with his vows.. our valley would have turned to a peak within 5 years that’s the max. If he would have given our marriage the time of day..

Stupid fucker..

But now am I possibly the stupid one not giving him the 5 years?

This is one fucking valley he put us both in and I refuse to drown with his dumb ass.. but staying.. no shame for me staying, but I do question my motives and when we have good days.. that this is ALL A FUCKING SMOKE SCREEN..

Wake up NH.. his ass is a shady mother-fucker and he will do almost anything to keep you..

Because I bring a bright fucking light with me, I’m truthful, kind and not a douche-bag.. I mean what I say.. I don’t care if you are a pastor, or a child.

I’m not going to bullshit you and I would appreciate the same

I’m working on trying not to blame.. it’s so easy for me..

I want to be all “MOTHER FUCKER!!’

This is all your fault!!

But I’m smarter than that. Every ball is in my court whether I stay or go.

When staying it’s all me whether I choose to blame his sorry ass, be upset that I wasted my life with his sorry ass, question what the fuck was I thinking marry such a twisted fuck..

Going it’s all me too..

I don’t want to be the blamer the jerk who always has a problem but no solution.

And I’m aware that I seem to like to play that game with myself..

The misery is Right game.. with no prizes just all miserable suggestions to be even more miserable..

And all of us know I do not want to be there..

And I don’t want to model that for my kids..

Lately I’ve been thinking that I get pretty aggravated that M took what was mine and smashed it.. or stole something and lost it never to be found again..

Something precious of mine and he stole it.

Can’t get it back and that pisses me off..

But I was thinking what would I tell my kids if someone stole from them no matter what it is?

I would tell them that thing? Nothing worth their life over.

Nothing is worth for them to suffer and not walk in light, no person, place or thing, (God is neither of those)

And that helps me take that step

to resolve that my husband stole from me and there is nothing I can do about it.

My marriage was precious to me, doesn’t matter what I did to him, he thought it wasn’t..

That wasn’t for him to decide it was mine..

But how long am I going to hold that, or even try to replace it?

Hopefully not much longer..

Till tomorrow..

❤ NH..

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