So I go downstairs M says he wants a meeting downstairs which means sex, because he didn’t want to talk. And I hear this horrible sound in our backyard.. yelping, meowing I’m like what the hell is that..
So I go outside hear it don’t see anything and in the corner of our property lies a little kitten with it’s eyes barely open.
I call animal control thinking well the Mom might come back for it right? Uhh.. nope shows you how much experience I have with kittens.. Mack the cat we got from the pound and he’s a big cat guy..
Anyways so the options were have animal control save it and then maybe it get adopted in the shelter, have us feed it and get it healthy and give it to the shelter, or we save it and keep it..
It was all a win win so we got the bottle the formula and the kiddos are THRILLED seriously.. and I’m still stunned M wanted to try and save it.
But it’s here.. it’s a she and she doesn’t have a name. The kids have all sorts of suggestions and well I told them their Dad would name it so there’s that suggest away my little minions but Dad’s got final say.
I don’t really care what her name is. I just hope she survives..
Mack our cat doesn’t like other cats and isn’t too happy that she’s here so she may get the BOOT if Mack decides this isn’t working out.
Anyways M and I seemed to be maneuvering alright as long as NH doesn’t flip out, or say anything that rocks the boat.
And if I’m well and doing fine not giving two fucks about his share of this marriage, or what he’s doing I’m fine.
And the feelings come back for him.
That “Staying Together after an affair tears you apart” great book. I mean it’s science we will fall in love with the one we spend time with and live life together it’s fucking science it’s human and it pisses me off.
Because M and I have been pretty decent and I’ve been wanting another baby..
I know, I know I promise I didn’t fall and hit my head while I haven’t blogged. I wanted one because I feel stronger as a person and I hated being pregnant before all of this.
And I’m learning to love myself my children in such a way that I want to experience that being pregnant, breastfeeding..
I felt like I kind of rushed the experience to try and make a career and move forward to get money to make so M could stay home with the kids and pursue music.
And I was okay with having a kid with M as icky as that man can be… we make some awesome kids together..
All 4 of them and I just feel a 5th being a non-negotiable.. like it’s going to happen.
M will need to get a reversal.. but that’s a ways away because I was irritated this evening.
M was tired. It was all a bad mix and I unloaded on M, how irritatingly unimpressed I am with our relationship and what the hell was I thinking wanting another baby with him? That I decided to look on Craigslist again to see if there was anyone here in AK to hang out with and talk too.
I know CL is a bit on the cray side but I found Shane and I still think of him too.. also think of another blogger pal I used to message alot with..
But both are guys and Shane well he was a huge distraction and fun, blogger was fun also but I was having too much emotion put forth into that relationship. I didn’t need to talk to M if I was talking with him. It’s easier for me not to focus on the person I am married to, and just be witty fun with others.
Awesome others, but never-the-less others. I have to get myself right..
Anyways so after I dork around CL.. I decide to talk to M about my stupidness because what am I doing? Trying to find distractions and ways to cheer me up because it sucks being with M?
Or am I just having a bad day and is M just taking the brunt?
Guess it doesn’t matter because somehow the conversation between M and I turned to how I always mention him being happy in another marriage..
Uh.. no I don’t always say that..
M: Well guess it just feels like it..
Then he also says in the same conversation that “No he doesn’t want to hear everything I have to say (mind you I was just talking about my feelings, no name-calling, no bashing character (yet he still feels that way whenever I’m in a mood) just me.
And I said oh so what content can I talk to you about and what is off the table?
M: I don’t know depends
Me: So it depends on your mood and whether or not you feel like hearing what I have to say
Me: So I’ll never know until it happens, or I have to gauge or ask you if I can talk to you about x,y, z?
M: Yes, I guess
Me: So you saying you want to be the person I come to, the person I talk with that isn’t really true unless the content is okay with you and if your in the mood?
After that not sure what happened or what was said except he was tired and I told him I would take care of kids and everything else, he could just go to bed.
Good things: No yelling, no name-calling, no leaving wishing I wouldn’t have said this or that.
Bad things: It’s the fourth tomorrow and well who knows how things will go between us.
Neutral: I don’t hate him, I know how I feel and I don’t feel like I’m backing down, or need to fight for what I want.
Lately M and I have been pretty good and I don’t like it..
It’s hard feeling good with him. Squish’s birthday came and went. It was great fun and oh we loved her I made a cake and i fell on the floor so M and I picked one out at Safeway. At Safeway I was meeting him there and I heard a whistle I turn and he says there is my beautiful wife.
And before he even said anything. I felt it..
The it where your whole being lights up to see your spouse. Like it was just me and him in the store.
I feel amazingly stupid for feeling that.
I think I shouldn’t feel stupid on some level.
But I do completely on a whole other level..
Which pisses me off.
Because it take time for me to process good thoughts with M.
I’m not a take it as it goes kind of gal and just run with our emotions with other men.
Pisses me off that M just wants good for us and I see him as that clown on the Rob Zombie movie where he picks people up who just escaped from the house and brings them back.
But he makes them think they are being rescued..
I want to say fucking M, but I can’t because this is me. My life. I am not tied down to M anymore. His actions bear no shame on my life anymore.
If he does decide to be a dead beat Dad, cheater, drug-addict? Not my circus, not my monkey!
So I can’t say fucking M because while he did push me in a pit.. It’s my choice to get out. It’s my choice to turn to sin, or turn towards faith and find me too in the process.
M gets no blame anymore because well while he is attached to all that this family does and survives off of, he also is dis-attached.
I’ve always known I could survive without him, and now it seems I can and will do a great job of raising these awesome babies on my own to guide them in not becoming a coward or a fraud if M chooses to leave our family again in anyway.
If I blame him for my feelings, my actions than that gives him a power that is not his, nor will I ever give him again. His choices, his actions will not dictate my life, or emotions.
Even I need to assess my own emotions and thoughts and if they are right by God and how I want to live my life.
Maybe venting everything out to M is not a good idea, but that’s what I want in a mate.
However I’m smart enough to know just because I want it doesn’t mean it’s good for me.
Lot’s to think about from M and I’s last conversation.
Night 4 on the couch..