Training of my mind is difficult and I often forget I’m not alone

Because God is able to help me see beyond the pain

Also loving the loving is easy it’s my version of gross and disgusting people that I don’t want to love those people and well M is included in “those people”

Now I’m married to “those people” and it’s a great reminder of how broken I am, but in a good way.

M and I have been getting along and well, but I choose that.

He feels good, and I like laying on him, joking, and having fun.

But it shows how little intimacy I have because I have done this before with many individuals and they think it means a great deal, but to me they don’t hold alot of weight with me.

I love serving others, I enjoy caring and empathizing with problems thoughts, but some people I think take it to an extreme because they’ve never been blessed and they feel some sort of HUGE connection to me and it’s not there for me.

I enjoy M this is wildly true. I love how he attends to me and seems to be on the lookout to make my life easier. But I still don’t find him in my future when I think about it.

So I get by day by day and focus on how I manage conflict in my life, how I can better myself, better my parenting good grief these 4 have been giving me a run for my money lately!!

The changing of stages of all 4 of them..

I would like to say I can control what I do with M or even how I feel about him.

But that book Staying together after and affair pulls you apart

scientifically proves that love will come back when a couple stays together and the good outweighs the bad 5 good things to one bad.

And the more I better myself the more good things happen. It has always happened, even when my husband was having an affair.

Which I’m not sure is good or bad.

His affair had nothing and everything to do with me.

Same with me getting stronger and better.

Nothing and everything to do with M.

Maybe things are looking up for this union because I don’t mind that at all.

The boy is becoming more and more complicated each day and it’s going to take all of my prayers, and strength to get through this parenting life more and more.

Today all of them woke up and thought they were in a house that let them do whatever it is they want. Silly kiddos 🙂

I think I made some head way today and the more I direct him with the fieceness of NH and laughter.

I seem to be getting through to him..

Insecurity is not something I battle with on a daily basis. Seems the men in my household have a really difficult time with this.

The big one is mostly on his own and the little one.. well he’s mine probably super selfish and evil to say but I don’t believe I’m going to be held accountable for teaching Charles anything.

Now our son.. yeah he’s mine and I’m so thankful Charles is on board to guide and direct this young man to great things..

Don’t be misled though the hurt is still there, the triggers seem to be as well, but the more I say “Not my problem the better off I am”

Like last night I dreamed of her again.. FML seriously wasn’t thinking about her at all or FB stalking.. emailing her nothing..

and I wake up thanking God for my life and choosing not to dwell on the matter.

She is not my problem, this affair not my problem, M not my problem.. Chrysler town and country’s, best friendships, all those memories not my problem

There is nothing to be solved or make better.

Plus I’m sure not all Chrysler Town and Country minivans are used for slut mobiles..

Knowing what I know now there are more chances that a spouse crying in one because they thought their spouse cared about their marriage vows

Blows my mind why people stay in marriages and cheat.. also how some are willing to say they found the love of their life by betraying another..

If that isn’t a red flag for bad news around the corner..

Okay so you found the love of your life and all it took was to betray and lie to people?

Yeah I want no part in that kind of love ever..

I would love to undo everything and erase my memory.. but like being a Mom I don’t think being cheated on is ever switch you can turn off and not remember.

So now  embrace the lumps in my throat and the sinking feeling in my chest and find a way to make me smile and feel comforted..

Because M doesn’t ever do that for me anymore.. the feeling may return not sure how it can but the feeling that M is for me.

That wouldn’t take our relationship and stick me right in a toxic environment where I want to physically hurt someone. Because had my fist interacted with Kendra’s face.. NH would have done some jail time because I would have hurt her severely..

And I’m glad I didn’t. I try not to fantasize about that anymore because there are WAY better fantasies out there.. because once again she’s not my problem. Never was..

I made her my problem and i have the power to know better now.

I also made M my problem too, and he isn’t..

Right now he’s doing more for me than before, and knowing what I know about myself.. I’m not sure that I can gage his niceness to me.

But he’s saying all the right things, and acting like he did before I found out what an icky person he could be.

But I don’t bother too much with his behavior anymore..

I bother with mine..

Till next time..

NH

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