Memories remain and what to do with them.

Some have told me M and KB were my husband and friend before betrayal and keep the happy memories as those..

But I refuse, maybe I’m just a jerk and cannot fathom how someone is okay texting a close pals husband or even said husband reciprocating and that yeah they both loved me fully until they didn’t quite rapidly..

And everyone has their theory and I’m not nitpicking theory’s or saying anyone is right or wrong.

But NH has her own theory that the both of them are completely messed up people from the get go.

No I do not think either of them knew anything about love or friendship.. and I doubt M knows anything now which I used to care, but I don’t

As if it mattered what does me knowing or even identifying M’s flaws do for me? Not a dam thing because I can’t change him and I sure don’t know what goes on in that shady heart of his..

Anyways so back to my title post.. as you can tell I’ve been triggered. I need to watch Opinionated Man’s vlogs on Triggers he’s not a cheated or betrayed but he spoke about triggers and I respect his writing and blogger status so there’s that. I’ll find the links and post them later..

Anyways so I’ve got a new bedtime routine down for the kids so M can get to bed earlier and I benefit from this too, but it’s what got this all down. So it’s bath, brush teeth, book, prayer, and hugs and kisses.. So tonight’s book story was about Disney princess Tiana and how she had the best birthday ever.

It was a cute story. Anyways I thought to the best birthday I ever had or didn’t. Glasses and KB had my house flamingo’d (where a bunch of flamingo’s are in your yard), Charles made me a cake, I felt insanely loved and all were surprises. It was so fun that was Nov 2011. Jan 2012 they play footsie.. whatever .

So anyhow in my new found mindframe.

KB not my problem the woman was never my friend, she’s dust.

So is M I do not care to have a spectacular relationship with him or miss that, because he was a super lame husband. He was.. I don’t pay enough attention to him now to even evaluate him as a husband, friend, lover.

He’s just a plaything I told him that. I also told him he deserved better and this is no way to live our lives… He still thinks we will be together next year.. we shall see. I really don’t care I suppose that’s NH just protecting herself to make sure she is keeping herself in line with her values and morals. Doesn’t matter what M does.

Anyways but for a moment I missed my friendship with KB the fake one where I am an authentic person and the snake in the grass I never saw coming which I find completely sick of me.

So while noticing and evaluating myself on how sad that is. I want to say it’s sad how M can just be like whatever KB don’t miss you, or love you anymore.. peace out..

Never has he ever felt he belonged.. he made me believe he did, by when I had my doubts about this family life that this is where you belong NH.. this is our family that’s all that matters complete fabrications.

Turns my stomach because the memories make me sick you guys.

At first I find I miss something relationships that were never there (my theory)

and then I find I have to tell myself it’s okay NH (yes, I talk to myself if you don’t it’s really not that crazy of a thing :)) and I cry because I used to do that when my mother was so crazy and mean.

And I can almost get sucked to a deep depression because dear God am I still here? That little girl telling herself she’s okay, that there are people who love her even if she seems cast down??

Am I still here?

And then I think it’s okay, it’s okay to be here because him loving you was never worth anything anyway. I chose that. I chose to believe in his love and that we were going to make this marriage work. I chose to better myself and honor our relationship would love to say vows.. but in all honesty guys we did the JOP thing and I don’t even remember what I said.

I know I’m strange.. but I’m okay tears and all. I have found a love for myself and my children so much deeper in such a short amount of time. The love for myself is not the easiest to pursue, but I’m finding it easier the more I look to Christ and validate myself in HIS love for me and how I’m living my life.

Like our pal Owlie said something like her husband will always be apart of her and it would be nice if he wasn’t that she would find out what life would be like without him.

I look forward to October, getting a job when we get back from vacation, I will pray about my vlog hopefully it will get put together soon, possibly the kids and I putting together enough beach jewelry to sell to tourists next year, and continue to cleanse myself of M and KB.

I was crying most of the time while I was typing this and now my head hurts so I will end this on a positive note. We ate at the cutest little diner place and they make massive whoopie pies! at least the length of my Iphone 5S even better it was super tasty!!!

Love to you all



4 thoughts on “Memories remain and what to do with them.

  1. NH, It has been awhile since I’ve left any comments anywhere. I did not really understand how much I needed a break until I finally had one. I’m trying to not let myself go back to spending as much time as I did in the virtual world as opposed to the real world prior to the break. But, I also want to be there for my fellow BS, each of us trying to find a healthy path forward.

    First of all, can I just send you hugs. It is clear that finding comfort in and through your faith is a healthy path forward for you and your children. It can be so hard to find comfort in healthy ways, so when we do, it is wonderful to recognize that blessing and hold on to it.

    One sentence really stood out to me in your post, “But NH has her own theory that the both of them are completely messed up people from the get go.” I think this sums it up so perfectly. That is exactly it, for people to be able to engage in such treacherous behavior, they must be completely messed up from the get go. And, you are right, it is incumbent upon them to find and fix what is broken within themselves regardless of what you do or don’t do, what decisions you do or don’t make regarding yourself, your marriage and the future.

    Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I hear you and am sending you love and support in whatever you need to do to find that healthy path forward. TL xx

  2. Sending love right back to you sweetie, my heart breaks for you, I hope someday you will find a measure of peace once again! XO Joan

    • Thank you Joan you know you’ve been with me long enough to know how I find peace and then it goes and then it comes back. Thank you for following me on this journey.. Thank you for your encouragement and the L-O-V-E… ❤ 🙂

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