The boy called tonight

I was hoping I would hear from him soon. A boy in his troop had a 3,000 lb boulder fall on his legs and had to be medivac’d out. So thankful he is going back to camp with just a broken heel.

It was a boy our boy was becoming close too.

I was getting the girls ready for bed and Charles said Blaise is on the phone.. my heart.. I don’t know what my heart did it was excited and gosh I miss him so much..

after the girls went to bed M asked how I was doing. I told him

I remember waiting for his phone calls like that in Iraq.

The longing and the breather when I could hear his voice.

that was a LONG time ago though.

I want to tell him I hope he knows I would have respected him more if he would have left me. And once icky girl finally got tired of him, the chances of me loving him again would be greater than they are now.

But what does that do? Just create more distance between us than there already is.

Plus, I’m tired of throwing his affair in his face, or even talking about it.. seems like dead weight.

It never takes me to a magical place, or makes me feel well I accomplished something.

I read Life Post Affairs blog about she mentioned “Not wanting to let him off easy” I can safely say after having what feels like 2 D-days. Some would have said I let him off easy but in my mind I did what was right I fought for my marriage because that’s what I thought best to do. Not that I wanted him, but I thought I married a fucked up person, but we can work through this okay here we go..

Then 2 years later comes around and I’m like “Sketchy Bitch”..

But since finding out what kind of fucked up he can be I have to say I do what I want now. If I wanted and felt in my heart to love M, to pour love out to him and had any desire to build anything with the man right now I would.

I think this marriage is done.. I’m over it but I don’t want to leave and timing just doesn’t seem right.

So I’m going to milk this money, Alaska adventure train for what I can. I am going to read a book about staying married for the kids at the library curious on their take. Because being honest and holding up integrity and having M for a husband I think that balances the kids out.

Is that relationship material? Doesn’t feel like it.

But eh another day down..

I made these tonight

They were good but I didn’t like the sauce but I used natural peanut butter. Charles said they were phallic and was not into them. I told him no there weren’t none have ever tasted this good. Bwhahahaha!

I will be making them again.

TIll Next Time

❤ NH

7 thoughts on “The boy called tonight

  1. You say:

    “I think this marriage is done.. I’m over it but I don’t want to leave and timing just doesn’t seem right.”

    This is something I see/hear from a number of people, and I have to admit I don’t understand it. If you’re done, generally just having that perspective means that you are less open to any potential for improvement. If that’s the case, why stay?

    If you’ve checked out emotionally, isn’t it better for all involved to just end things and be able to start with the healing process? Dragging things out when your heart isn’t in it just allows resentment to breed, and that’s bad for everyone.

    I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but honestly I’ve never understood this. My relationship isn’t in a great spot, but hope for improvements and a better tomorrow is what keeps me going. If I didn’t have that, or worse I didn’t want that? Then it wouldn’t be easy, but moving on would be the clear path. Every day/week/month that I would drag things out would be just time wasted, time I would never get back.

    • You know I completely get that because I thought the same as you for a bit. That if I am done then why am I here living with him day to day?
      But as time has gone on I noticed how much healing I have to do within myself and that means keeping my life the same for awhile until I figure this life out and like IOH says save money and get myself in order.
      Staying with him is not terrible and he believes as long as we are in the same house there is hope.
      I’ve been honest with him. I am not plotting behind his back and we have come to a decision that I will work to pave my own path and he seems to want to work to save the marriage.

      If anyone should want out of this union more than me it should be him. But he wants to stay and believes it’s best for the kids we stay together.

      I agree with him. We both enjoy our family and the life we have built together.

      Now the relationship between him and I? I have no desire not really because he’s been a lying douche bag.. More so I realize I am in no position to even begin a relationship with him.

      I am finding love for myself, my children and seeking healing for my own issues. See back on Who the fuck did I marry what I call my Dday 1 I focused on working on our marriage this relationship for 2 years and apologizing and recognizing how I contributed to our relationship troubles.

      I apologized already, i did the work with him he doesn’t remember much of those days since he was talking to her everyday throughout that.. while it still hurts my heart to remember..

      I know I did that step already.
      And you know what I grew.
      And I will continue to grow without him just like I did before.

      If by some miracle this marriage survives fine.. but for now.. He’s not a priority, my marriage is not a priority.

      Loving myself, looking to heal my wounds not just from this relationship but Me fully so when I do move on from this marriage I won’t repeat the same behaviors (if I ever marry again or involve myself with someone again) and if by some miracle this works out with M (I’m a betting gal and I say this marriage is quite the underdog)

      It’s a win-win for me and I’m all about those odds

      • I guess my situation colors my view on this.

        I have a wife who checked out on me a few years ago. Why? I’m not sure. We definitely took each other for granted when the kids were small and lost sight of each other at that time (as the focus was on the kids), but she was always my priority, and she was always important to me. I thought our life was pretty good actually.

        One day she tells me she doesn’t think she loves me anymore and isn’t sure if she wants to be married. Honesty is good (though it hurts sometimes), but I was blindsided. I didn’t know what had gone wrong, and other than not spending enough time focused on being a couple I don’t think we did anything wrong.

        Since then, she’s here, but she’s not. She can’t identify “what” is wrong (other than feelings of love are gone), so there’s no way to really improve anything.

        A lot of time has passed (almost 3 years), and we’re still together – mainly because I hope that me staying positive will somehow improve things. But with very little effort put into the marriage on her part, a part of me feels really used. Like I’m here for family, the kids, and the security of the home – but not for me. Feeling that way really sucks.

        If there’s nothing there, and she’s not doing anything to improve things then I don’t understand why she won’t just be honest with me and let me go. I’m not looking for anyone else or anything, but what we have now isn’t a marriage. I’m getting older, she’s getting older. If we need to restart, then restart. Delaying doesn’t help anyone – all it does is waste peoples lives.

        Yeah, I get that the financial side of things will suck. It will suck for both parties (and the kids). But what’s worse, struggling for a few years and having a chance at happiness? Or having kids grow up in a tense environment where there is clearly a lack of love?

        I get that people need to work on themselves. But once you are in a marriage, I just don’t think it’s fair to anyone to do it. Work on yourself and the marriage at the same time, or get out. A marriage is just as much a responsibility as being a parent. People don’t say “I need to work on myself”, and dump their kids off somewhere for a few years and expect the kids to still be there after. So why is it alright within a marriage?

        This isn’t directed at you necessarily. But from the perspective of a frustrated/confused husband who can’t understand why his wife isn’t willing to work on a marriage, being on the receiving end of this really sucks.

      • I do know it’s not just financially staying though majority of it is but there’s a bunch of stress of the kids adjusting and my own mental state of balancing work and kids..

        But I wonder if it’s just like getting pregnant there is no best time. And you’re never as prepared as you think you are.

        So I’m not ready to let go, personally. And I tell him if he wants out okay. You know if he makes me choose that decision then good luck to him. I will sign the divorce decree when he files.

        I’m not ready to dissolve this marriage yet and in AK I can’t do it until Oct. anyway so there’s that.

        I didn’t think your reply was directing towards me at all.

        In fact you made a great point about the kid situation and marriage. I want to say my kids are my flesh and blood. They burden the consequences of our choices together.

        While I may be in a broken covenant with Charles I don’t have to burdened with his decisions any longer.

        If he decides to go against any other aspect in our marriage or relationship where I am disrespected, he spends all of our money

        I’m out..

        I’m glad you are following and can stomach my blog I don’t know why I’ve missed seeing your blog in my reader. I’m going to look you up more, think I can definitely gain a world of knowledge from you.

      • Thanks. I’m frustrated, because I do think I”m a good person/husband and I’ve been doing my best.

        My blog is all on my views about life and love, and it’s not just words. I try to live my life the way I write.

        It makes me sad to see long term relationships fall apart, and see people who once loved each other turn to apathy and resentment.

        I still love my wife, and remain in love with her. So her approach to things is difficult. It feels very much like she wants out, or at least away from me. But doesn’t want to be the one to do it. So we remain in this shell of what a marriage could and should be.

        Sadly I expect I will end up leaving. Not because I want out necessarily, but simply because it doesn’t feel like we are partners anymore. I feel like I’m someone she endures instead of someone she loves.

        I find your blog and many others very interesting, as I think we can always learn from each other.

  2. She can still do that… within the financial protection of a shared household. It’s like living with your parents during your college years. If you focus on yourself and view it as a living arrangement with a great payoff (saving money, getting where you can be independent, etc), it’s not so bad.

    The reality is that many SAH parents ARE stuck.

    How do you end things when you don’t have money to pay for a lawyer? When you have nowhere to take your children? When, if he left, he’d go into self-preservation mode and they’d have nothing until it finally rolled through the courts? I started staying at home after the second child because almost everything would go to childcare. Never mind 4 children. He’d have to supplement her income just to pay for her to have one.

    Unless she can wait and maintain “normal” for a time… all the while improving her health, finding a way to support herself and the children without NEEDING him (so that she doesn’t have to trade integrity for support, which many custodial parents realistically have to do, when they NEED that support and the non-cust. parent knows it), and just generally getting to a place where she CAN end it.

    It’s worth it, to not be homeless and lose custody of your children because of it.

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