Soo.. missing physical activity..

Yeah I miss it..

I miss wanting to hug my husband everyday.

Sometimes I super miss being single.

And don’t get me wrong I’m sure I could hug him everyday it’s just that well he’s still not someone I want to love.

I mean it’s pretty safe to say I would love to wake up and not be married to him anymore.

Perks are nice being here though I fell asleep reading a book at around 4pm and he made dinner. I awoke and ate said pizza I’m not a big Frescetta fan is that how you spell it? Anyways after I was done with my pizza he brought me a glass of water with ice in it..

I love ice.. we used to have an ice maker now said strange apt. fridge in a house no ice maker.. maybe next year we will get a family fridge..

Anyways guess I could wake him up to have sex with him, or just hold him…

but it’s not the same..

Not that I don’t trust him, I trust him with many things I still have unprotected sex with him, I still rarely ever check our bank statements.

I trust he isn’t doing any sketchy, or shady to our children.

As I am working on myself I have to say maybe it’s best I don’t wake him or only touch him when I want to touch him. Not to just fill my carnal desires and use him like a piece of meat.

Ugh.. I read myself and I think shallow..

But I don’t love him like I used to, which maybe be a great thing I’m still unsure. Can we be friends sure we can.. but can we stay married.

I don’t think so. I’m so darn curious what will happen when Oct. comes that’s where the decisions meet the end of the road Alaska is such a easy and cost effective way to dissolve a marriage.

$150 is all I would need.

I’m not stupid of course I will need more than that to sustain my way of life.

Or maybe we will just keep doing this and it will get better.. did anyone laugh after reading that?? I almost did..

I suppose in all this self-discovery I’m doing for me, the more I know he is not the one for me.

And it’s difficult to not do something rash.

It’s difficult to feel the pain and take responsibility for it what will I do with it. Learn grow thrive..

or become like him or how he used to be or whatever he is now.. bitter, entitled, stagnant

He knows I care very little about his life anymore. I do have love and respect for the guy on the basic of levels.

But as a wife.. yeah no…

He has some type of stomach trouble and he’s taking med’s and stuff for it. There were foods he should eat more of and whatever. I didn’t read it. I don’t care. That’s horrible I know right?

But if he cares about his health he will take care of it. It’s not my responsibility to revolve our family meals around whatever is wrong with him?

I mean I did that for awhile during his gluten free stage in life and it was fine kids didn’t mind. But it was work because I loved him and we were a team. We cared about each other’s well being.

Come to find out.. yeah no..

If he wants certain foods he can let me know what to buy other than asking if he needs anything from the grocery store. That’s as far as I’m concerned.

Seems so harsh reading that.. but it’s true. I prefer him in so many ways and I’m not willing to budge on that one. You want to get better that’s on you. Your recovery from your affair, your lying, hiding ways that I see in our children.. I’m not blaming him for our children’s problems I just see it as childish behavior and it’s downright frustrating. All of that is on him. I cannot control him, nor do I want or care too.

I do miss that connection. I was fascinated by my husband I always thought him so smart and sure of himself. EWWWW.. the very things that turned him into disgusting man. ICK.. who would want to fall in love with a woman who plays with others and is a coward? Yeah my husband as if he even has a clue what love is..

Good grief he gets so mad me questioning him about that issue. How does he even know what love is? And if he doesn’t know then how does he even think to be secure in love for me. Especially since he is proven he has so little love for himself what makes me think I stand a chance to be loved by him?

Things get ugly at our house when NH pulls out those topics.

I think this is good that I miss physical activity if we do dissolve this marriage it’s something I’m going to have to get used to.



2 thoughts on “Soo.. missing physical activity..

  1. One thing to think about, if you can- what options does he have to help fix your marriage? Is it possible? I could be wrong, but it seems to me that it’s impossible for you two to take some very necessary steps while being so close together. You both seem very caught up in chaos, which is totally normal so I’m not saying it’s a bad thing! Is there someone you could talk to – someone who could possibly help ground you both and help you both sort out what you really need to do? (Whether that results in staying together or not.)

    • So true it’s been on my mind Athena counseling is pretty limited here and we have our church and our awesome pastor and his wife but is it sad to say not sure I want approach anything together with him and that I want to straighten me out first??

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