Do I really need a miracle or has it presented itself already.

So I watched this video

http://www.today.com/popculture/sisters-sing-tribute-epic-wedding-toast-t32881?cid=sm_fbn

It’s so cute.. Sisters singing to their little sister getting married.

It touched me

Because I have 3 girls and they are spunky and sweet.

We have a sweet family. If you met us you would know I’m kind of case but a strong honest case that keeps my kids accountable and well you can probably tell I’m not into the husband.

But we do have a sweet family Charles and I work well together you can tell we love our kids. We respect each other.

And I thought will my girls have the same fire in them when our family breaks into two? No, I doubt it..

Goodness I know what it was like when he left..

The boy was anxiety ridden the girls wouldn’t stop asking for him and when is he coming home.

Am I just making excuses?

Anyways watching this gave me hope. that maybe I could make this work that I want our kids to have their family together. That maybe M and I could do this, I cried..

He came home. and we smiled at each other.

Then I went into the room and followed him. We talked, it didn’t go well. I tell him my feelings he shuts down.

I asked him when did I become just a variable in his life? I said it casually I would like to know and then he started to said some random date in June 1918. I didn’t think it was funny.

I also told him that it’s so different between us now, how are we going to do this.

He said I’m just waiting until you kick me out.

And I said you are just waiting until I file? That’s a strange way of wanting to stay married.

I also told him I never needed him, but back then I always wanted him and it’s so different now because I don’t anymore.

I never said the want part back then I  truly thought it was implied but I’m sorry for the miscommunication and how we think so differently.

I said this all without accusing, or throwing the affair word around.

I also told him the more I discover about myself how I love, how I fell for someone like him how I want no part in doing this over again.

And he walks out. Once again disrespectful how many times can the man decide just to shut down. All of my feelings are valid and rational.

I am not throwing lawn furniture, I am not screaming obscenities..

And he walks away shuts down and just tells me to do what I want to do..

Passive.. so passive..

He says he wants to fight for this marriage and his words and actions are not gelling..

Not that I need a fight out of him.

Whatever he can walk out anytime.. later rather than sooner.. because a chic with 4 kids gots bills to pay 🙂

I just don’t get it, why for someone who can care so little about me, then claim to want to salvage our relationship, still not be able to talk with me?

A year later without having his mistress at his beckon call like some harem girl he still cannot handle my thoughts.

The man who claims he’s stronger and wants me to see a change in him?

What the hell man..

I’ve been praying for God to give me a sign to get him out of my life.. it’s strange I got mixed messages today..

I found hope, thought I could share with him. That is what he wants a closeness to the woman he’s married too, but only a closeness he feels comfortable with.

All about him again..

I wish Charles all the luck in finding himself.. because he sure will never find us together acting the way he is..

Strange wish I could tell him, just like I wish I could have told him Kendra messaging him was bad news, I wish I could tell him he was trading treasures for cubic zirconia with his affair, but I can’t tell him anything, he has his own ideas and his own way of thinking he’s on the right path.

But I’m stronger now and wishes don’t do be a dam good in past, present, or future.

So I will cook dinner and sing. Find ways to relieve the stress and tension in the air because clearly addressing it with Mr. Dillusion is a waste of time.

Once again I feel sorry for him.

But don’t worry it doesn’t last long 🙂

NH

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One thought on “Do I really need a miracle or has it presented itself already.

  1. Hugs. Your situation is eerily similar. So not fun. You sound strong and sure though and that is wonderful! Your strength will pull you through this relationship.

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