Finishing Shattered Vows.

I think I would have benefited from this greatly in the beginning of all of this but it’s been a good book.

Charles and I haven’t talked in awhile.

I had more hope after reading the other book though.

I just don’t see Charles ever being the man for me that  would talk through behaviors, goals, I think about traveling without him to places with friends.

I really want to see the East Coast with a friend of mine.

Maybe that doesn’t mean Charles is out just because I want to take a trip without him.

After my post last night I please myself and tried to go to bed. My shoulder was bothering me and I was tossing and turning..

But I thought a bunch last night

I prayed for Charles for healing, for his life. I prayed for Bob and his family too, even KB. I am learning when I am in any state other than the one I want to be in. Praying works wonders for anyone and anything that’s been on my mind and then I go to sleep..

Until Squish wakes up calling Mom, Dad!!

I don’t know if I am as hopeless as I was last night about this relationship. But I think I know how not to be hopeless at all. Craving a relationship is normal especially when I thought I had one for so long.

Letting go of that relationship of both of those relationships is still hard.

And making sure what am I really wanting or feeling when I’m craving physical contact with M.

What is is that I’m lacking.

Also I know  I view M in my life as someone who was turmoil and I grew because of it. Had he not been such a hot mess of a husband I wouldn’t have gone to so many bible studies to find hope or myself. Had we not pursued reconciliation during his years of affairship I would not have seen my flaws as a spouse and worked on them.

Mind you M has apologized for wasting my time working towards a marriage that was already lost. He also recognized how I was the one to keep our family together all these years and even more so during his affair.

That he realized I did love him during our 1st reconciliation attempt and many have believed my work during his affair while he didn’t stop until he was forced to choose he knew what was better for himself and who he truly loved and needed in his life.

Anyways enough about that.back to me I am weighing a whopping 252lbs people.. good grief you know when your like sure I’ll lose the weight, or I’ll just eat the pint of coffee Haagen Daaz and I’ll be okay.. and just continue doing that.

I’ve totally relapsed.. since my days at Celebrate Recovery. great thing though I LOVE my body.. just bought a new swimsuit and going to totally rock it 🙂 No I’m not celebrating obesity.. but I am loving me and I want to be good to my temple.. I’m learning and growing LOL!! excuse the pun.. preferably I’d rather not grow in numbers of poundage 🙂

So back again to Sparkpeople and start my 30day yoga challenge.

I love this blog called losing the fat lovingly. she changed the name of her blog so I’ll have to find it again.

One day at a time..

Story of my life used to get upset and why keep working on things that don’t work? Also if you’ve been following me awhile I have a hard time sticking with thoughts, goals, experiments.

I’m consistently inconsistent. I know.. I see it I’m just not sure it’s something I want to change, or am capable of changing immediately..

The book today mentioned that in the Book “Sacred Marriage” the author mentioned that a marriage is supposed to bring us closer to God. I concluded then by golly Charles and I are doing our jobs.. because being married to him and him me has brought us nothing but closer to God.

Something to think about today for sure.

Squish needs me

till next time


One thought on “Finishing Shattered Vows.

  1. Rock that suit! Awesome job for loving yourself no matter what size! I struggle with this horrendously and I’m a size 6. I was a size 4 last year when I went through all this so now I’m beating myself up for gaining weight. Granted I have NEVER been a size 6, I’ve always teetered between a 10 and 12 and for many years a 16-18, so what the hell is my deal?? I need to love me and be happy with myself! You’re doing a great job and it’s encouraging. Keep it up!

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