Boy did she hit some key points for me which is great but also so so sad..
And yes, no longer can I run from sadness and try to bury it with fury and hate.. well at least not today..
You know you guys as much hate, fury, shade, anger I have given to Charles and the make-up to break-up scenarios
One would think I may be completely over the guy..
The only equivalent I got right now is Elsa and Anna..
I knocked he wasn’t there for years and when I did find him he was a complete selfish douchebag.
But I remember. I remember hugging him and worried if this would be my last. I remember caring about his physical and mental state. I remember the sparks I used to feel being around him or near him.
And I got nothing today haven’t felt any in awhile.
Except I got that love definition to fall back on, so I do love Charles.
I’m just not Ga-ga crazy over him..
And I miss that stage. Where you look at your spouse and you felt so happy to be married to them out of all the people in the world you felt so blessed. You felt bad for other people with terrible spouse’s, because while there wasn’t alot there between Charles and I, I knew we had each other’s backs..
But turns out I’m the only one who got that concept of marriage between him and i.
Wait now he gets it maybe?? Who the fuck knows.. or cares.. not me..
But I remember you guys and it hurts..
I miss my husband, because the guy I have now is so NOT him…
The guy I thought I married is so far superior to the guy I have now.. But that guy was a myth I guess? Because if I’m right my Charles the one I loved and always would be married to? That guy I made him up. He actually wasn’t him at all. That hurts too that I conjured up a husband when clearly I did not have the man I thought I married. which compounds the pain..
So what do I have? A man named Charles who is on my marriage certificate. I don’t know this person very well which makes living situations awkward. To think you know someone for 15 years and well jokes on me I don’t, didn’t whatever..
Yet here he is doing things for me, asking if I need anything done as if he’s new.. Well looky loo he is new! Which is discouraging and strange and dare I say it new.
The Charles I know now, is nothing of the Charles I made him out to be.
I still miss my husband dearly even if he was a myth..
Well off to get dressed get some shot records faxed and sign the boy up for school.