I remember him holding me in the beginning of D-day when I was yell/asking him was it worth it?? Was she worth it??
Always answered with a no and at the time I remember thinking what a weak coward I married.
But he was softer maybe weaker, vulnerable at the time I don’t know.
But while Charles is no doormat to everything I say or his reactions to me, I can see him being tired, weary, and everything but soft.
He is putting up possibly new walls I can see it in his face. I think it’s sad our story didn’t go in his favor and I think he is realizing that now.
That optimism is not going to fix us. Nor his attempts to be the man he should have been before he became a homewrecking slut.
Our dynamic is forever changed and I just think he hasn’t come to terms with that in addressing who we are now.
And what we want in the future he claims that what he wants now is the same as before..
NH screams Bull$#*€
But to be clear I feel for the guy he won’t get a devoted wife as long as he stays with me. I am more concerned about my life and my future his well just keep bringing home money that’s great you do your thing I do mine…
I see now how couples lose their sparkle for each other and you play your role.
Because Charles is the spouse of my youth and we made this bed and now we lie in it.
Do I think us divorcing and moving on with different people I will find intense joy?
No I do not.
I don’t have time to be including someone else in my life good grief poor Shane.
What I do have time for is being with my kids and enjoying myself.
What I have come to accept is that the love story I thought I had null and void.
In my eyes I never had a love story it was all A big mistake and lie. I am sad I wasted 15 years with Charles he was one of my biggest mistakes of wasting my life.
I don’t plan on making that mistake again and I am not just referring to marriage I am talking about relationships.
What I accepted from Charles I was worth more than that.
I am grieving that part of my life and finding my way
Back to the title I do I think I have killed some pieces of him never to return actually he killed those pieces.
I can do nothing to him really for him to change but I see it in his face and his eyes.
No hope for anything better that this is his life now he put himself with mediocre once he cheated.
It’s easy to cheat it’s harder to stay faithful hell I could have cheated but didn’t.
He will not be more than my husband he is not my love nor I am no longer looking for a love.
I miss being in love with Charles but knowing it wasn’t real gives me the nudge to push myself further into what not wasting my life looks like.
Charles had a life many men envy and he lost it because he became a slut.
I think knowing that is the best consequence I have seen for Charles through all of this.
There is no bringing back the devotion I had for him.
No reconciling will do that.
I work hard for this family and anyone can see that especially when they see how my children act and love.
Charles is lucky to be apart of it.
They know I love their father it’s just different and I hope they find a love that is real and genuine. Not marry someone like their Dad.
Charles cost us our marriage, but he really set me free from all the burden and guilt that came with being married to him.
And now as I am healing as I get stronger I want to be better than I was yesterday to myself to our kids.
Charles isn’t a curse no more than he is a blessing to me.
He is a lifelong mistake that I am going to have to make amends with.
But don’t get me wrong there is a bright future for NH
So bright I got to wear shades😎😎😎😎😎 LOL