The man I see and in some ways I have killed him it would seem

I remember him holding me in the beginning of D-day when I was yell/asking him was it worth it?? Was she worth it??

Always answered with a no and at the time I remember thinking what a weak coward I married.

But he was softer maybe weaker, vulnerable at the time I don’t know.

But while Charles is no doormat to everything I say or his reactions to me, I can see him being tired, weary, and everything but soft.

He is putting up possibly new walls I can see it in his face. I think it’s sad our story didn’t go in his favor and I think he is realizing that now.

That optimism is not going to fix us. Nor his attempts to be the man he should have been before he became a homewrecking slut.

Our dynamic is forever changed and I just think he hasn’t come to terms with that in addressing who we are now.

And what we want in the future he claims that what he wants now is the same as before..

NH screams Bull$#*€

But to be clear I feel for the guy he won’t get a devoted wife as long as he stays with me. I am more concerned about my life and my future his well just keep bringing home money that’s great you do your thing I do mine…

I see now how couples lose their sparkle for each other and you play your role.

Because Charles is the spouse of my youth and we made this bed and now we lie in it.

Do I think us divorcing and moving on with different people I will find intense joy? 

No I do not.

Pshhhh…

I don’t have time to be including someone else in my life good grief poor Shane.

What I do have time for is being with my kids and enjoying myself.

What I have come to accept is that the love story I thought I had null and void.

In my eyes I never had a love story it was all A big mistake and lie. I am sad I wasted 15 years with Charles he was one of my biggest mistakes of wasting my life.

I don’t plan on making that mistake again and I am not just referring to marriage I am talking about relationships.

What I accepted from Charles I was worth more than that.

I am grieving that part of my life and finding my way

Back to the title I do I think I have killed some pieces of him never to return actually he killed those pieces.

I can do nothing to him really for him to change but I see it in his face and his eyes.

No hope for anything better that this is his life now he put himself with mediocre once he cheated.

It’s easy to cheat it’s harder to stay faithful hell I could have cheated but didn’t.

He will not be more than my husband he is not my love nor I am no longer looking for a love.

I miss being in love with Charles but knowing it wasn’t real gives me the nudge to push myself further into what not wasting my life looks like.

Charles had a life many men envy and he lost it because he became a slut.

I think knowing that is the best consequence I have seen for Charles through all of this.

There is no bringing back the devotion I had for him.

No reconciling will do that.

I work hard for this family and anyone can see that especially when they see how my children act and love.

Charles is lucky to be apart of it.

They know I love their father it’s just different and I hope they find a love that is real and genuine. Not marry someone like their Dad.

Charles cost us our marriage, but he really set me free from all the burden and guilt that came with being married to him.

And now as I am healing as I get stronger I want to be better than I was yesterday to myself to our kids.

To God.

Charles isn’t a curse no more than he is a blessing to me.

He is a lifelong mistake that I am going to have to make amends with.

But don’t get me wrong there is a bright future for NH 

So bright I got to wear shades😎😎😎😎😎 LOL

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9 thoughts on “The man I see and in some ways I have killed him it would seem

  1. Wow….you have taken the words right out of my brain. I just wonder if they truly realize what they have lost in us. I see it in my husband’s face too, and I am sad for both of us, that this is the life we are now stuck with, to try to make the best of a mistake we both regret. Him, the affairs, me, the entire lie I thought was a marriage. Do they realize that no matter what they do, they will never get 100% of us like they used to? I am scared for our future though, once we are empty nesters and have to spend every moment together. Will our marriage finally die the slow death it has been doing for a long time, making staying together the second biggest mistake I ever made?

  2. Oh your has resonated with me quite a bit. Never 100% of me will go to my husband again because he broke me. I’ll never give anyone but myself all of me. That’s because I deserve it and you deserve all of you to yourself too! We need to be comfortable in our own skin and like who we are and if this is what we need to do, then we’ll do it to get what we need.

  3. My life is in a tumultuous wind…but aside from an act of God I could not be where I am at to a degree…but I have a release from the fight. It’s been 3 years almost to a T since his affair BUT a little less than 2 since the knowledge…all the sudden through all the drama this summer it’s like the Lord just showed me the reality of the situation in such a beautiful and freeing way…DO I TRUST HIM? NO…and when I fight and try to trust him or even try to build trust or put energy into our relationship I DO NOT have peace…it brings confusion, fear, torment, and sucks the life out of me.
    When I took that equation out and stopped putting energy into trying to fight the fruit was love, joy, peace, clarity…my long time friends and family are saying “You’re back!” You’ve been gone for so many years and now you’re coming back!”
    About a month ago I told him I Didn’t feel safe with him sexually, that I felt dirty and I can’t continue trying to figure out if I’m feeling this way because he’s doing something or because of what he’s done. The final fact is, is that I have to deal with the fall out, and my heart has no trust…I’ve fought for it for 3 years (as the struggle came before I even knew, I just wasn’t clear on what was going on). Finally I’ve just looked at “I DON’T TRUST HIM.” and that is ok…and not only ok I really don’t think trust is coming back. It’s been about a month since I’ve asked for no physical touch…he’s been on the couch and has tried to touch me a few times and I have to continue to walk in authenticity and respect for myself, God, and him as well. By God’s strength he will help me to not disrespect how he created sex to be…to be honored and cherished and be beautiful. But we are looking at a legal separation…I need a job and to be able to be independent so that we can proceed. Right now he’s sleeping on the couch. We are waiting to meet together with the pastor of our church and my counselor (our marriage counselor) and have the church help us in the process of separation…they have attorneys, mentors that have walked through divorce in a God honoring way, divorce classes, etc…so we know what we are doing before we do it and we walk in wisdom. BUT the real kicker is I feel free, I feel alive, I feel joy and peace not under some heavy awful oppression. I am so thankful for where the Lord has me. Hard to put words to it.

      • Well lovely…I can’t tell you for you…but we’ve had similar journeys and I think at some point you will get CLEAR. Give yourself time to heal…and you will look back and not regret trying either way it goes. I don’t regret trying…my husband does NOT get it at all. He keeps coming after me physically, his mom says she feels “god” is moving her to our state to “help” us. Oh my word.
        I have not been posting because I don’t want to talk about where I am at right now with “everyone” I feel what I’m going through is a work of God and it’s sacred…I don’t want to put to many words to it. I just want to wait on him and see what He does.
        But also my baby boy got into my meds this summer just days after my last post and had to go to the ER again and stay at the hospital. It was AWFUL!!!!! He was sitting right next to me while my other boys were in their 1st karate class. I took my eyes off of him for just seconds (no joke seconds, sitting RIGHT BESIDE ME) and he took 3 doses of 2 of my medications!!! 3 empty slots in my pill organizer 😦 I was horrified…but because of it being the 3rd incident in such a short span of time they were mandate to report me to social services…so I have been assigned a case worker and in home parenting counsel classes…the case worker and counselor have both said that the hospital was over kill in reporting me. The counselor has seemed really taken back that I was reported…it doesn’t make sense to her. But so far even though it is AWFUL and embarassing it is showing me that I’ve wasted energy in what is not real…and that my kids need that energy from me. That GOD wants that energy focused on him and re-prioritized on what HE WANTS!!! I’ve been validated by the most scariest people you’d ever want in your life…social services…if social services says I’m a good mom and they don’t know why they are in my life…well,thank you Lord. God has been working freedom out of tragedy.

      • That is terrible about the meds!!
        Glad it’s all situated out and pshh were you worried of course social services gave you a A+ in the Mom department 😊😊😊
        Completely understand about not blogging and keeping what’s going. On between God and you it’s great to hear from you and thanks for the reassurance that if I keep plugging along the answers will be CLEAR❤️❤️❤️ and I will not regret trying or leaving

      • It’s been just shy of 2 years since the knowledge of the affair for me…so I think it just takes time for our minds to say “UH, YEAH…I’m clear on this.” For me it’s pretty clear there is no life in our relationship. Please keep me in your prayers when you think of me ❤
        thank you for your kind and encouraging words.

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