An email to Charles and I’m moving out of my bedroom

I hear you walk around in the morning.. I was up long before you.
I like the couch.
Prayed for you this morning, good things.. I mean them.
asked God for forgiveness for belittling your life and praying terrible things for you.
I looked up the Grace Card.
thought about you while I hear you pace our home getting everyone up in the morning.
I think that you have much to give to the world and you already have by having our children and raising them to be for God.
I know I’m not healing well. I know there is so much pain and grief associated with you, this marriage.
I thought about us and how if you ever needed anything in the scope of help, if I could I would help you.
I also think about Genesis 50.20 New International Version
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
I don’t know how to extend grace to you or anyone really.. The best I have is our kids, and even then.
 
We do want the same things in a sense, but they are so basic that everyone wants those things. 
 
You keep bringing up when I wanted to kill myself and how sad I was after I married you in the early marriage. I wish you would have been honest with your feelings and with me then. 
I do not believe God brought us together. We were not following him then and I think he has shown by our 4 kids that He can turn our mess into something beautiful. All of them are such miracles.
I pray God will let me get this job and if not this job a means to support myself without you. 
I want to move out of our bedroom. 
You can keep the room downstairs for all your music equipment and yourself. 
I want to be close to the children and have my own bed.
Will you help me do that? 
I will stay on the couch until we can afford one. 
If we come together that’s great, but I cannot wait for this to get better any longer. I’m sure you can’t either. 
What we are doing is not working, 
I have seen this pattern before and I’m not just going to sit idly by and think you will get better. This marriage will get better it hasn’t. 
If you have any suggestions or solutions I am willing to go to counseling, bible studies, books. But I will not do anymore date nights 
But I think you are right we are getting no where. 
If you do not like the living arrangements and cannot tolerate what I’m doing then I am fine to petition the dissolution of our marriage in October, so you do not have too. 
Many times I forget your heart is broken too. Broken over Kendra, and broken over me. .
I do want good things for you.
I think of the movie quote from the Grace Card
“I promise to pray for you every day, ask your forgiveness, grant you the same, and be your friend always.”
 
I would like that for us. 
Because even if I don’t think you are a good friend to me. I realized after reading this that I treat you as a friend. 
I trust you with so much of my life, our kids lives. 
I want to help you when I can. 
I think you deserve food you like to eat.
I want great things for you. You have talent to share with the world.
I say I don’t believe in you, but I do.. I just don’t believe anything you see about us, or me anymore. 
You are a talented musician, you are creative and can fix everything except my broken heart. 
I believe those things about you. 
I pray for you with a sincere heart, I give you updates on my life and how I feel. 
I believe you want to be a great father even through the wreckage you caused, that you would want to be the standard of how our children should marry instead of the opposite. 
and just because I do not know you doesn’t mean I am not your friend. 
 
I cannot promise to be your wife, or hold you in esteem as a husband. 
 
But I can promise my friendship to you. I will be with you if you need me during hard times, and sad.or even happy times.
Ask forgiveness when I’m being a terrible friend and grant the same to you. 
 
I know I will always be a loyal friend to you because you’ve been in my life so long. We achieved many milestones together that I can never do again with anyone else. 1st child, first house, first marriage
I have no plans to backstab you, be dishonest, or harm you. We like the major same things God, our kids. 
 
I should never have changed who I am because of all the pain, but it has.. it has also strengthened me. 
 
I would like your help in moving out of our bedroom. If not I understand. 
 
Your friend 
NH
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4 thoughts on “An email to Charles and I’m moving out of my bedroom

  1. You are handling this all as maturely as possible. No one can fault you for trying…. and taking the steps YOU need to take in order to heal. There is no rule or formula that dictates who will reconcile, who will divorce, who will recover in 2 month and who will still be burdened 2 decades later. The important thing is that you are taking care of yourself and your children. You are a gracious wife and your children should be extremely proud of you. I hope that if I am a mother someday I can demonstrate the same strength and courage as you. xoxo

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