I still mourn for him and other things..

I still mourn my husband guys.. I know he was a lie, but even so I remember how my marriage used to feel.

And I still cry.. the only thing that wakes me up in this state is kind of like that Divergent girl in the SIMS she sees her reflection and says “this isn’t real” and wakes up.. well I do the same. Charles the love of my life wasn’t real,

Sometimes memories get the best of me because I remember truly loving him. I remember smiling at him and remembering how I felt when he came back from Iraq. How good it felt to see him after a long day with the kids, or just life in general. I miss that feeling.

I love him yes but truly do I believe he is the one for me no, but on to other things.. because finding any kind of love besides Christ’s right now seems like trying to hold water in my hand.

The job didn’t work out not because of them rejecting me I didn’t apply he was going to interview me before but things didn’t work out and well I’m okay 10hr days is nothing I really can do anyway. Thank you for your prayers they were answered ❤

Then I applied for Safeway interviewed and got great feedback about my personality and it was pretty cool. An ego boost to say the least.. They have good benefits after awhile. Which is something I would like to have and establish my own financial goals. Just not sure Safeway is the way to go 5 days a week working nights.

I told them I would give them my response on Monday but I don’t think I can work 5 days. I think only 3 would be best for me. Why 3? I just think it’s enough time away from home and I’m spending more nights with the kids. But I’m still unsure of what to say on Monday. No definite answer just yet.

I told my brother what happened. He is doing his thing making his dreams come true and I wanted to share my passions and why.

My passion to help others in our position as the faithful spouses, betrayed whichever.. my blog.

He thought it was neat about this space I have here and I felt good that my brother knew. For about a year he knew I was unhappy and wanting to leave. He now understands why.

As for me moving out of my bedroom seems problematic..

Because goodness what the hell we have projects that take up alot more of our time like the girls bunkbeds..

We are making this

okay he is making this.. I’m just figuring out how the girls’ room needs to be put together and what to do about that..

It’s going to be white though.

Space saving and economical

The kids really love school and I’m happy for them not being a homeschooling Mom is strange, but if they are smiling after school.. so am I

I love preparing snacks for them when they get home and asking about their days.

So there’s NH in a nut shell

Still jobless, still in mourning in a sense, still a mom, still a wife.

But is it strange that I feel better than ever.. maybe because I worked out for 5 min yesterday and it just about killed me..

I thought I would do this because it was exercise lying down.. Yeah right up my ALLEY!! Lying down feels so good..

anyways so I attempted this with Charles cheering me on from the couch.. I didn’t go to the website after I pinned it. Just thought looks light enough for me.

This was not light at all and this stuff always wanted to keep my legs off the ground.. good grief..

my body wanted to die.. I did like 1/8 of this workout yesterday and nope not doing it again..

Not anytime soon anyway.. 🙂

So there’s that.. but I do feel stronger not physically but cheerier if that makes sense.

Even if I mourn a fake person. I know I’m also learning my dreams and learning about myself in the process. No longer is Charles a bigtime decision maker on my life. I don’t see him in my future, but I’m not a visionary in such things the only person I ever saw in my future even when I was younger was me.

Also I can’t even remember much of yesterday so I’m in no position to make any long term commitments to anyone. (wow maybe answer to the Safeway job position)

I am working on our home and just learning again. Taking charge of my house and finding out what helps keep my life in order.

I’m digging reading about home decorating.. hope to finish speed decorating tomorrow

I like a clean house and a decluttered home. I never really cared until now, and it makes me feel good making a house my space gearing it to my needs and wants.

Something I never did when I became married caused too much work and stress on my life oh and conflict too. Now I can probably paint my whole house orange and Charles will probably say I’m just glad you are still here with me.

Which his profession of waiting for me seems so Disney-esque.

The decorating also helps me to be more flexible because stuff is always going wrong and not flip the fuck out like I used too.

So there’s that. All good things all good things.

I think.. for now anyway..

***BRAGGING ALERT****

I organized my kitchen cabinets, and my living room, dining room, and kitchen counters, dishes are all still in a manageable condition.. even did the spice cabinet which was a total irritation for me.. Not anymore!! 🙂 And the family had homecooked meals and I have dinner ready in the crockpot for tomorrow..

This girl is on fire.. this week anyway..

Til Next Time

❤ NH

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